Dan Kennedy

“My chief asset consisted of a cat who licked stamps”

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A few days ago, a reader of this newsletter wrote in with a problem.

He’s an expert in his field. But he feels sick telling his mess-to-success, rags-to-riches origin story. He hates hyping it up and repeating it over and over, even though it’s all true.

I can understand. So here’s an alternative. Take a look at the following background story from Dan Kennedy:

I often tell the story, when I went through a divorce and went broke I started over in info-marketing and my chief asset consisted of a cat who licked stamps.

My wife abandoned the cat and left the cat behind. We quickly came to an agreement that, if it was going to get fed, it had to do something other than hiss, and snarl, and scratch, and bite, which were unattractive attributes of this little monster.

We arrived at a working relationship where it sat on the coffee table, I sat facing the TV at night stuffing my envelopes and getting my mail ready. It sat facing me, and I took the strip of stamps and held it out and the cat licked them and then I did all my stamps.

I kept a little bowl of water there so the cat could, you know… I’m sure all that glue … but they’ve got nine lives! All the glue probably didn’t kill it, its personality probably did.

That’s the end of Dan’s story. In the presentation he gave, he moves on and talks marketing.

So what’s my point in bringing up this story?

You might think it’s humor. And yes, humor is a big part of the story above. If you can be funny like Dan, you are that much ahead of the rest of us.

But there’s something else to Dan’s story. Because it’s certainly not rags-to-riches, is it?

No, something else is going on. I’ll spell it out in my email tomorrow (click here if you wanna get it), and I’ll tell you how it’s relevant for your sales copy… or for your in-person, nose-to-nose, toes-to-toes origin story. Whether you are funny or not.

A little direct response gem, or a dirty trick?

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Once upon a time, deep in the direct response mines, I found a little gem in two sales letters from Gary Bencivenga.

It reminded me of my childhood tennis coach, who claimed he would wear the same t-shirt four days in a row. One day, the standard way… next day, inside-out… third day, front-to-back… fourth day, you get the idea.

Well, Gary’s two sales letters did something similar.

The first sales letter ran with the headline, “Do you make these mistakes in job interviews?” The offer was a book, Interviews That Win Jobs, for $49.95.

But typical to good DR marketing, Gary’s sales letter also offered several bonuses. Bonus one, How to Answer the 64 Toughest Interview Questions (“selling nationally for $49.95!”)… bonus two, Red Hot Cover Letters… bonus three, Get a Job NOW!… bonus four, Negotiate Your Best Compensation Package.

Then there was a second ad of Gary’s I found.

The headline read, “Job hunting? How well can YOU answer these 64 toughest interview questions?” The offer was a book, 64 Toughest Interview Questions, for $49.95.

But typical to good DR marketing, Gary’s sales letter also offered several bonuses. Bonus one, Interviews That Win Jobs (“selling nationally for $49.95!”)… bonus two, Red Hot Cover Letters… bonus three, Get a Job NOW!… bonus four, Negotiate Your Best Compensation Package.

I don’t know. Maybe Gary wore the other two bonuses inside-out and front-to-back also. I just haven’t found those ads yet.

My point being, if you hit upon a hot market, you can use and reuse your main offer and your bonuses to blitz your market. This way, you can often get more of a response than you would with just one ad and one offer.

And if you don’t use Gary’s trick all at once, you can do what Dan Kennedy calls a reverse:

When your offer starts to flag, take the free bonuses and make that the paid system you’re selling… and take the old system you were selling and break it up into free bonuses.

But maybe you don’t think this is a little gem. Maybe you think it’s a low-down dirty trick… selling people what you used to give away for free… and giving away what you used to charge for.

But what to do? Such is human nature. You have to play these kinds of games if you want people to value what you’ve got. As a clever Spaniard once wrote:

“And as all men know, what costs but little, that we rate but low.”

Here’s something I suspect you will rate but low:

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Copywriting: a business or a job?

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I was out of clean underwear, and things were looking bleak.

I was staying in an Airbnb apartment. I put my clothes to wash earlier in the morning.

But halfway through the cycle, the washing machine got stuck. It blinked stupidly. Even though I talked to it and comforted it, it wouldn’t spin or finish the cycle. My clothes, including all my underwear except what I had on, were stuck inside.

I wrote to the owner. “Oh, that’s too bad,” she answered. “My husband will come after work to take a look at it. If he can’t fix it, we’ll call the repairman.” It was 10am.

A few hours passed. I walked by the washing machine and spotted that the floor was wet. The washing machine was leaking somewhere. Water had pooled behind the machine, and was running along the wall all across the room. It even reached the next room, with the hardwood floor.

I wrote to the owner again. “Oh my God!” she said. “I’ll call the washing machine repairman right away!”

The point being, incentives matter. And on that topic:

Today I got paid the second 50% of the biggest copywriting project I have done to date. And so I did a debrief for myself, to see how the project went, and what I could learn from it.

My conclusion was this: I did a good job. I put in a lot of work, I gave the client much better ideas than they had initially, and I delivered solid copy.

And yet:

Will the client actually get value out of my copy? Will they simply send some cold traffic to it, and have the copy make money out the gate? And if not, will they know what to fix and tweak and test?

If I’m being honest with myself, I know there would be a bunch of things I’d have done differently if there were was some revenue share at stake on this project.

I would have taken more control of the project to put this copy into action sooner… I would have pushed back harder against client ideas that I thought were suspicious… I would have insisted on being involved in the project even now, after I’d delivered the copy.

Royalties are a good system. I’ve told my clients this for a while. And if you’re a copywriter, maybe you can do the same, using the same argument I’ve just given you.

And if you need an argument to bite the bullet and actually make this suggestion to your clients, and to even insist on it, then remember Dan Kennedy. “Copywriting is a business,” says Dan. “You have to get paid on the back end, otherwise you just have a job.”

That’s all the motivation I have for you for today. Now for the sales pitch:

I write an email newsletter. Sometimes I talk about the business of copy, other times I talk about copywriting itself. If this is the kind of thing that floats your lancha, you can join the newsletter here.

Crank positioning

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Yesterday, Ben Settle sent out an email with his interview with Ken McCarthy. And in the first part of the interview, Ken says the following:

So my positioning was, I wanted to be the honest broker of information on internet marketing.

And I also wanted to be the guy that you could trust on innovation issues. That if he said something was worth looking at, it was worth looking at. Not worth mortgaging the farm for, but worth taking a look, worth carving a little time out of your week and making sure that you were conversant with it.

And then I also wanted to be seen as a guy that stuck to the fundamentals, and valued the fundamentals, and drilled the fundamentals. Because the fundamentals really are, at the end of the day, what’s going to get you through everything.

I think there’s a fine line, running from Dan Kennedy, through Ken McCarthy, to Ben Settle, following this type of “honest broker” positioning. Dan and Ken and Ben all follow the three points in the quote above.

But there’s another positioning ingredient shared by all these guys. The best way I can describe is they are all cranks, in the various meanings of that word. For example:

“Being offended… hopefully you will be, at some point. I sort of pride myself on it.” That’s from the start of a Dan Kennedy seminar.

Or Ken’s current quest to prove corona is history’s biggest misinformation campaign.

Or Ben’s strategy of repulsion marketing. Ben mocks, shames, and drives away the many potential customers he does not want to serve.

All three of these guys also make a point of being low-tech, both in their marketing and in their private lives. You can only contact Dan Kennedy by fax. Ken started a recent email with, “Let me be clear: I loathe Facebook.” And Ben prides himself on ugly website design and on plain-text sales emails.

It is all just a coincidence?

I don’t think so. Rather, I suspect there’s a certain personality type that gets drawn to “honest broker” positioning… or perhaps the crank persona gives more credibility to people who adopt this position, and that’s why we hear of the cranks.

In any case, this might be something to keep in mind, if you too are looking to position yourself in your market.

On the one hand, this is probably not a position you can hold unless it matches your own personality on some level.

But if you already feel you are the honest broker of information in your market… or, on the other hand, if you have the personality of a crank, and you want to profit from it… then you might consider adopting the other half of this system.

​​With both parts in place, you can be the crusty but credible grouch, spitting and cursing (and making sales) in a marketplace full of crooks and idiots.

But if crank positioning doesn’t suit you, don’t worry. There are lots of other ways to position yourself. This is something I discuss on occasion in my newsletter. In case you’re interested, here’s where you can join.

Do copywriters have to be funny?

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“That’s the face of every married guy ever.”

Sam Kinison was a former Pentecostal preacher turned standup comic. He was a stout man, with girlish shoulder-length hair, and in the video I watched of him today, he wore a black trench coat on stage. He started off his set in a sweet and quiet tone:

“I’ve been going around the country trying to get as many people as I can not to get married. I’ve been married and I’m just trying to help. Anyone here never been married?”

A guy in the front row raised his head.

“You never been married?” Sam said, his eyebrows rising up innocently. He walked over to the unmarried guy. “Ok, just promise me this.”

“If you ever think about getting married,” Sam said, “remember this face.”

And he started screaming — AAAAAAARRRH AAAAAAARRRH AAAAAAARRRH — the patended Sam Kinison “I’m in hell” scream, right into the poor unmarried guy’s face.

“That’s the face of every married guy ever,” Sam concluded, back in his normal sweet voice.

In my email self-critique yesterday, I criticized myself for missing an opportunity to be funny.

But do you have to be funny if you write copy?

As Dan Kennedy likes to say, you only have to be funny if you want to get paid. Dan even wrote a book all about it, “Make ’em laugh and take their money.”

From what I’ve seen, a few rare individuals can be funny just by being who they are. By being unfiltered or obnoxious or polarizing. Sam Kinison was apparently one of these. According to his brother:

“With Sam, what you saw was what was there. He didn’t exaggerate for the stage.”

But what if you don’t have such an unfiltered personality?

Well, here’s what humor writer SJ Perelman once said. Perelman was asked what it takes to be a comic writer. He responded:

“It takes audacity and exuberance and gaiety, and the most important one is audacity. The reader has to feel that the writer is feeling good. Even if he isn’t.”

In other words, you can fake it. Fake it till you make it… or at least fake it until you’ve finished writing that email or VSL lead or seminar stump speech that’s been sitting and looking at you for days.

And if faking it isn’t working, then go on YouTube and watch some Sam Kinison screaming… or Bill Burr ranting… or Eddie Murphy grinning.

​​These guys will make you feel good for a few minutes. They might even give you some audacity. Just remember this face — AAAAAAARRRH AAAAAAARRRH AAAAAAARRRH

Slow readers of the world, unite and take over

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It’s one of the most upsetting ideas I’ve read recently:

James Altucher wrote a few weeks ago that we each have maybe 1000 books left in us to read, for the rest of our lives.

The math checks out: 20-30 books per year, for about 40-50 years more of living and reading.

That’s a depressing thought to me. Books are one of the main ways I get any ideas and insights. But it gets worse:

Because when I read, I’m as slow as a tortoise after lunch.

Last year, I read only 10 non-work related books (“Le Morte D’Arthur” took me 5 months to finish) and maybe another 7 work related books (some of which I was reading for the second time). And that’s in spite of taking time out to read every day.

By Altucher’s calculation, at this rate, I will only read 799 more books by the time I croak at my pre-appointed moment of 87 years young.

That’s depressing.

But wait, you might say, surely there are ways to learn to read faster?

I guess there are. But I am resistant to them. For a long time, my only justification was stubbornness.

But then I thought about why I rarely get any value out of “Cliff’s notes” summaries of books, even ones I’ve put together myself.

And that’s why I want to leave you with a throwaway (but valuable) idea that Dan Kennedy shared once during a seminar.

This idea might make you feel better if you too are a slow reader like me.

And if you are not, and you whiz through text, or you have clever hacks to condense and speed up content so you can consume more of it faster, it might make you consider slowing down.

Anyways, here’s the idea. At the start of a seminar DK once gave on being a more successful copywriter, he said not to worry about taking notes.

Kennedy said that if you come away from the seminar with 20 pages of notes, then he has failed. But if you come away with three or four things you are determined to change, then he has succeeded. And he summed it up with the following insight, which I want to leave you with:

“You don’t get value out of what I say, but out of what you think of when I say it.”

Here’s a final warning:

If you are focused on getting the most quality reading done for the rest of your life, it probably makes no sense to read much stuff on the Internet.

But if you don’t heed this warning, then you might like to read the email newsletter I write each day. Think about it carefully… and if you so choose, go here to sign up.

Snowflake positioning

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Over the past year, over a half dozen “Bencivenga baseball” A-list copywriters have put out courses and coaching programs.

And in case you’re wondering, a “Bencivenga baseball” A-lister is somebody who attended Gary Bencivenga’s farewell seminar… and got to sign the souvenir baseball that marketer Brian Kurtz passed around.

(Not everyone there got to sign the baseball. Some people at the seminar only looked at the baseball in longing as it made its way around the room. In order to sign the baseball, you already had to be well-established back in 2005… back before copywriting became a thing in the mass mind.)

Well, now copywriting is a thing, and these A-list copywriters are rightly taking advantage.

So they are putting out “how to” copywriting courses, and creating coaching offers where there were none before.

The thing is, all of these guys and girls have been successful copywriters for the past several decades…

They all wrote for many of the same companies…

And it’s very likely that much of what they will share in their courses and coaching will be similar.

Maybe you see where I’m going. Imagine you’re a newbie entering this field. Imagine you’re looking for somebody to follow. There’s not a tremendous lot to separate these A-listers from one another.

So is this a classic fail of market positioning? And should these A-listers know better?

Maybe. And maybe not.

I’m sure they will all manage to fill up their coaching spots, and sell good amounts of their courses.

Because, while the best positioning is to be first… and while it’s hard to be first for everyone… it’s easy to be first to somebody out there.

New people are constantly entering every market.

Some of them will find you first, before they find anyone else in the space.

You don’t need anything else but to be you… a unique snowflake.

It might not be inspired… and it might not be in your control.

But as long as you’re competent… and as long as you’re putting out some kind of marketing… then by chance, for a few people, you can become their Crest, their Fed Ex, their Dan Kennedy.

Speaking of which:

Are you new to copywriting? Maybe you will like my daily email newsletter. It talks about copywriting and marketing, and also about how to succeed as a copywriter. You can sign up here.

Hidden gold inside crap online properties

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Last week, I wrote about about my plans to start rehabbing distressed online properties. To which a reader named Josh wrote:

“It seems like the only enduring ‘property’ aspect of a ‘web property’ is its rank on the Googles. The other aspects — web design, copywriting, product development, etc. — are all ‘disposable’ parts in the sense that an underperforming site will likely need a clean sheet in those areas.”

Actually, I can think of a half dozen “gold” assets that a crap online business can have. Each can be worth many times what you pay for that business.

I shared three specific such assets with my email subscribers. But even if you have no interest in flipping blogs and online stores… this is something you should think about.

Because if you have a business, chances are you have too unused assets.  Don’t leave those assets unused, and don’t wait for a hostile private equity takeover. As Jay Abraham says, get everything you can out of all you’ve got.

But what if you got no business? What if you’re a lowly copywriter looking for work?

In that case, your chances of getting hired (or rehired) are much better if you know a bit about marketing.

Like Dan Kennedy said in that quote I shared a few days ago… you don’t need to be brilliant. Just know enough to pull out some hidden value from your clients current business… and you will look like a genius.

But maybe you’re wondering what gold assets a crap business could possibly have. Like I said, I only shared this with my email subscribers. If you’d like to get on my email newsletter, here’s where to go.

In the land of the warm-bathers, the November swimmer is a hero

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One morning in late November, I decided to go swimming in the sea. I got to the shore, stripped down to my swimming panties, and started to hop on the cold stones towards the water.

An old woman walking her dog stopped to watch, mouth agape.

“You’re going in?” she asked.

“I am,” I said.

“But it’s cold!”

“We will see.”

I got in the water, swam a minute or two, and got out. The old woman was still there. She was thrilled I had survived. “You are a hero!” she shouted, clapping her hands.

I shrugged it off. “It was nothing.”

It really was nothing. The water wasn’t cold at all. It was probably warmer than the Pacific Ocean in California gets in July. Only the locals in this country, who refuse to get in the sea unless the sun has brought it to a low boil, could crown me a hero for going for a swim now.

Which connects to something I read today in a Dan Kennedy sales letter. The sales letter is selling a course on how to become a more successful copywriter.

At one point of this sales letter, Dan gives the reader reasons NOT to buy his course. One reason he gives is that you really don’t have the chops to do decent work, and to deserve a decent wage. In that case, Dan says, maybe you should stick to only the smallest clients, and only the most limited projects.

Has that thought ever crossed your mind? If it has, I want to leave you with what Dan writes next:

“You should remember copywriter John Francis Tighe’s favorite admonition: in the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. You need only know more than the client and enough to produce results he could not get on his own. You do not need to know more than every copywriter, most copywriters. If that governed, there’d never be more than one working copywriter, period.”

Check it:

If you want regular copywriting tips, which occasionally touch on the business of copy, you might like my email newsletter.

Zoolander-safe direct response levers

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Maybe you know the graveyard scene from the absurd comedy Zoolander:

Derek Zoolander, a really really good-looking male model played by Ben Stiller, meets former hand model JP Prewett, played by David Duchovny.

They’re meeting in a graveyard at night. Because Duchovny has a dangerous secret to reveal… male models committed all the biggest assassinations in history! And Derek is next in line.

“But why male models?” Derek asks.

“Because they are perfect,” Duchovny says. Male models are in peak physical condition… they get access to the most exclusive locations… and they don’t think for themselves.

Derek ponders on this for a minute. And then he scrunches up his forehead, pouts out his lips, and asks,

“But why male models?”

Don’t judge.
​​
Because for years, I was asking one question in the same stupid way. And then earlier this week, I heard a marketing talk by Dan Kennedy.

The subject was segmentation. It’s not a complicated concept:

You have your audience or your space of prospects. But instead of marketing to everybody… you market to only a segment of the whole.

“But why segmentation?”

Lean in Derek. I’ll tell you the explanations I’d heard for years.

Segmentation is the only way to make expensive direct mail work. You only pay to mail to people who are most likely to buy your offer.

“Ok, go on…”​​

Segmentation is also a smart way to avoid pissing off your email subscribers. Don’t send them stuff they don’t care about, and they won’t unsubscribe.

“I see…”

But I didn’t really. I kept pondering on this many times over the years.

And like Derek Zoolander, each time I scrunched up my forehead, pouted out my lips, and asked once again,

“But why segmentation?”

Well, it finally clicked. Or rather, I heard Dan Kennedy explain it, and it pierced my thick male-model skull.

The real reason you segment is to increase response.

Because when you segment your list, you know something extra about the people you are writing to. You can take that extra info and stuff it into your message.

For example:​
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R​ather than mailing out a sales letter with the headline, “How to increase your IQ by 30 points in the next 90 days”…

Your headline can read, “How beautiful but dimwitted male models can get equally beautiful brains before Milan Fashion Week 2021.”

When you segment, your message becomes more targeted. Your copy becomes more specific. And your response becomes more up.

This is just one of the many simple direct response levers that even Zoolander could pull to make an unprofitable campaign profitable… or to make a worthless business worthwhile.

Which brings me to my offer of partnership and investment opportunity from yesterday. In case you didn’t read it, you can read the archived version here.