Personal Change

“Stop caring what other people think”

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For many years, I tried to not care what other people think. Left and right, I’d heard this is the way to go.

“Who cares about other people’s opinions? Fuck em.”

I tried. I put on a brave smile when somebody criticized or outraged me. Or I argued back. Or I pretended like nothing happened.

Of course, something had happened. I experienced a reaction, often a nasty one. Pretending otherwise was like pretending that a wasp sting doesn’t hurt.

The criticism or the outrage stung. But what really bothered me was realizing that I couldn’t stop myself from reacting… that I cared what other people thought… that this made me susceptible and weak.

Then one day, I figured out if I kept going this way — trying and failing to not care what other people think — I’d just spend my life in self-hate.

So I stopped trying.

And I started diligently avoiding other people’s opinions. I started to close my eyes, cover up my ears, and turn around to not see.

Of course, this does not mean I have completely separated myself from the human race. Or that I never take feedback.

But when I suspect I might be negatively influenced by somebody else’s opinion… I don’t steel myself to not care. Instead, I work to avoid hearing or seeing that opinion. And I find I have fewer problems.

If you too have been bravely trying to not care what other people think, without success, then ignorance might be worth a shot.

It’s like watching a movie. You know a disgusting torture scene is coming up. So you close your eyes. You hear other people in the audience gasping, groaning, and dry heaving. And you wonder what all the fuss is about, because your own stomach is fine.

Not everybody has this problem. If you do have it, I guess you know. But an easy way to figure it out is to ask yourself:

Was there any time today that I changed course, either because of what somebody said, or what I expected they would say?

Psychic pain can be just as real as physical pain. Sometimes more so. And trying NOT to think of pink elephants is a sure way of having a parade of them stomping through your head.

As I’ve written before, much of our psychology has moved to the cloud. That’s good for staying on top of the latest memes and outrage news. But it’s bad if you want some peace of mind, or the freedom to explore the world on your own terms.

Ignore other people and their opinions… and you’ve got a shot. Try to stop caring, once you know what they think… and you’ve got a fight on your hands.

Ok, enough anti-caring propaganda.

Now for some marketing:

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Suggestion: “Play rabbit” in your copy and one-on-one dealings

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Rabbits can pretend to be healthy even when sick. They can mask it so well that they go from looking perfectly normal in one second to dead on the floor the next.

In other words, rabbits can cover up their neediness.

​​Neediness is when you feel threatened, and you enter survival mode. All of God’s little creatures, including you and me, experience neediness now and again, whether real or imagined.

The next time you feel needy, I’d like to suggest that you “play rabbit.”

​​In other words, suck it up and cover it up. Because being seen as needy makes you also look weak, vulnerable, and desperate. That’s not the profile of someone that people want to shake hands with, in business or in private.

I was reviewing a Frank Kern VSL today. It was for a big launch he did a few years ago for his Inner Circle coaching program.

​​I don’t know whether Frank was desperate for this launch to succeed. The VSL certainly doesn’t make it seem so.

Except for some fake urgency (a timer above the VSL), there’s not much pressure to buy. No “You need this NOW.” No “You’re at a fork in the road.” Instead, there’s just a voluptuous, sleepy-eyed seductress of an offer, lazily smiling at you and showing off her many attractions.

I’ve written already about my 3-sentence method for applying for copywriting jobs. It involves no friendly banter, no big life story, and certainly no explaining or apologizing.

Back when I applied for copywriting jobs, this method worked great. And one big reason is that I didn’t look needy, regardless of how I felt. (By the way, if you want more on this, I wrote up this article about it.)

My point is that, in your copy and in your one-on-one dealings, don’t telegraph your neediness and vulnerability. If anything, do the opposite. Play rabbit. Don’t let anyone know what’s going on inside your beating little chest.

But perhaps the above examples didn’t convince you. So let me leave you with the words of the godfather and midwife of modern advertising, Claude Hopkins.

For his first advertising job, Hopkins had to sell 250,000 carpet sweepers. I don’t know what a carpet sweeper is, but apparently it was an important but unsexy household product.

So Hopkins wrote a straightforward letter to dealers. It outlined why his product is unique. It listed conditions in case the dealers wanted to sell it.

Take it or leave it.

So what was the result? From Hopkins himself:

“I offered a privilege, not an inducement. I appeared as a benefactor, not as a salesman. So dealers responded in a way that sold our stock of 250,000 sweepers in three weeks.”

One last point:

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Trolling for productivity

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Last year during the U.S. Open, Russian tennis star Daniil Medvedev started getting booed by the crowd.

Earlier in the match, Medvedev had tossed his racquet in frustration. He also threw a towel that one of the ball children had handed him.

The U.S. Open crowd, which loves fair play and sportsmanlike behavior almost as much as it likes bullying a man when he’s down, smelled blood. Medvedev was losing, and in poor style. So the crowd booed and heckled him after every lost point and at each changeover.

And then, like a Russian phoenix feeding off the fire of righteous pride, Medvedev turned things around and won the match. In his post-match interview, as the crowd sat stunned, Medvedev started his trolling:

“Thank you guys, you gave me the win. Without the energy you are giving me, I would lose. [At this point, the crowd booed loudly. Medvedev closed his eyes and made motions that seemed to say, let it rain on me.] Thank you guys. You gave me energy for my next five matches. The more you do this, the more I will win for you.”

A beautiful moment in sports, don’t you think?

Now with that out of the way, let me give you a productivity tip:

Whenever you’re faced with an overwhelming and unpleasant task, rather than biting down on the bit and trying to bully your way through the work… rather than visualizing success and hoping the universe will manifest it for you… rather that sitting paralyzed and hoping things will be better a little later… just ask yourself the following question:

“How can I get this done and also enjoy the process?”

… and then write down the ideas that pop up in your head.

​​I’ve done this a few times since I found out about this technique earlier this year. And each time — for example today, with this very post — I find it works. I get the task done, and I enjoy the process along the way.

Your brain is a powerful tool. And when you ask the above question, your brain can take a seemingly awful situation and reframe it in a positive way. It can spot things you wouldn’t have spotted before, which energize you or even make you enjoy your unpleasant task.

And then, in your post-match interview, when you’re being interviewed about your unlikely success, you can troll all the obstacles that once lay in your way:

“Thank you to the papercuts… the rug burns… and the alarm clocks. You gave me the win. I will go forward and keep winning — just for you guys.”

And now for the climax:

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How dirty is your underwear right now?

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Seriously, how dirty is it? I’m asking because it’s a personal question and borderline insulting. And if my guess is right, it got your attention. Here’s why I need it.

I’ve been thinking about pattern interrupts and how to do them. Here are a few examples, in case you’re not familiar with this term, of what I mean by “pattern interrupt”:

1. Tony Robbins once threw water in a woman’s face. Repeatedly.

​​She was trying to talk through her marriage problems with Tony. But each time she started talking about her husband, she started to get negative. ​​So Tony threw water in her face, shocked her, and got her laughing.

​​”What is wrong with you?” she asked each time he did it. But she stopped being negative when talking about her husband.

2. “Coffee’s for closers only.”

​​You might know this famous scene from Glengarry Glen Ross. Alec Baldwin comes in to give his “Always be closing” speech to a bunch of real estate salesmen… but they aren’t taking him seriously.

​​So when one of them goes to get a cup of coffee, Baldwin stares and says, “Put that coffee down. Coffee’s for closers only. You think I’m fucking with you? I am not fucking with you.” The salesman puts the coffee down and starts to listen.

* Shooting the apple out of the pig’s mouth.

​​In the first Hunger Games movie, Katniss is supposed to show off her archery skills to a bunch of rich sponsors. But she misses the target. The sponsors laugh and start chatting among themselves.

​​Katniss next hits a bullseye… but the sponsors aren’t paying attention any more. ​​So she turns towards the sponsors, takes aim, and shoots an arrow through the apple stuck in a pig’s mouth in the middle of the banquet table. All the sponsors shut up and look at her.

I bet there are a bunch of different ways to create an effective pattern interrupt. The three situations above all do it. And though they might seem very different, I think they share a common element:

They cross private boundaries, whether physical or of personal sovereignty. They are intrusive, threatening, or borderline insulting.

So if you too need to get somebody’s attention, and change their set ways of thinking, try such a “personal sovereignty” pattern interrupt. Just make sure you have a good reason for doing so — otherwise you might get slapped in the face.

Anyways, since I still have your attention:

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A scary story for Halloween

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It being Halloween today, I want to tell you a scary story from my own life:

Many years ago, I had an ill-advised one-night stand with a friend of a friend. The next morning, as I was leaving the girl’s house, she told me she was flying home for two weeks. She lived in another country.

“Thank God,” I said to myself. “I won’t have to pretend to want to see her again.” So I told her to have a safe flight and I walked out of her life.

Or so I thought.

Because about six weeks later, I got a text message.

“Hi Bejako. It’s A. [Common friend] gave me your number. Could we meet? I have to talk to you and I’d rather do it in person.”

I could clearly hear a baby wailing somewhere nearby. Images of a shotgun wedding fired in my head.

We agreed to meet that evening in a cafe. I was there on time, she was not. With each passing minute, life drained out of my body and by the time the girl arrived, I had sunk so far in my chair that just my eyes were above the level of the table.

She sat down. She ran on for a few minutes, chipper and chatty.

I eventually collected enough strength to speak. “So what did you want to talk to me about?”

“Yeah…” she said with a bit of embarrassment. “I guess we should really get to it.”

It turned out she had started working with a life coach. And as part of her transformation, she was supposed to contact people from her past — such as one-night stand partners — and ask them,

“Do you have any feedback for me?”

That was it. No pregnancy. No marriage. No on Golden Pond.

At this point, I brightened considerably. I told her my feedback was she shouldn’t scare people like that. I also ordered four drinks in about 15 minutes and — lesson never learned — even tried to take the girl home again.

So what’s my point?

Well, for the past few days, I’ve been writing about ideas taken from NLP. And the scary story above popped up in my head when I read one such idea:

“Failure is only feedback.”

This is a way to reframe an instance of rejection or failure… take the sting out… and maybe even get something useful out of it.

Whenever I practice this approach to life, I always come out amazed and amused. Thing is, I often forget.

So I wanted to remind myself, and maybe you, to treat failure as feedback. And no better way to remember something than to tie it to a scary story.

And now for something even more scary:

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How to make $75 million with an email newsletter

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News broke today that Morning Brew was acquired by Business Insider.

Morning Brew, as you might know, is a daily email newsletter started a few years ago. The insight behind it was to take business news — a boring topic, thanks for nothing, Wall Street Journal — and make it more millennial-friendly.

Well it worked. Business Insider paid $75 million for a controlling stake in Morning Brew. Not bad for an email newsletter.

I bring this up for reasons one and two.

Reason one is that it fits my post from yesterday. That’s where I suggested that if you take a dry but useful topic and sexy it up, you can become a star. Or in the case of Morning Brew, you can earn yourself a $75 million buyout in about five years’ time.

Reason two has to do with my current romp through NLP axioms. The axiom I have in mind is,

“The past does not equal the future.”

In other words, even if a shadow has trailed you all your life — I mean a phobia, or some limiting belief, or just “how you are” — that doesn’t mean you cannot change, and change quickly.

That, in theory, is what NLP is all about. Of course, there are also other ways to effect change quickly.

For example, a few months ago I listened to an interview with Alex Lieberman, the founder of Morning Brew. Lieberman said how he can’t see any reason to sell his company.

Well, $75 million later, he found a reason.

“The past does not equal the future.”

Human brains love patterns and trends. But that’s not how the world works much of the time. Things can stay the same, day after day after day, and then suddenly — your tomorrow can be different.

Speaking of a different tomorrow:

I have a daily email newsletter. Its current valuation is -$39.17, which is what I’ve paid for the software to send the emails.

The insight behind my newsletter is to take the boring topics of marketing and copywriting and sexy them up. If you’d like to get on this rocket ship before it shoots to the moon, click here to subscribe.

Tony Robbins leaves clues

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In a recent post, I used the phrase, “Success leaves clues.” I didn’t realize somebody had colonized my mind and those words were not my own.

This phrase, as far as I could find, goes back to Tony Robbins. It makes sense he would say it. After all, the idea of success leaving clues is basically the central idea of neuro linguistic programming — NLP — and NLP is where Tony Robbins got his start.

I’ve been curious about NLP for a long time. Unfortunately, from what I see, the field is filled with blowhards and snake oil salesmen.

​​The first, the blowhards, are people who use fancy words like “Primary Representational System” to impress their seriousness and authority on you.

​​The second, the snake oil salesmen, make ridiculous claims like “if any human being can do anything, so can you.”

That’s a shame, because NLP is interesting and in my experience works. The reason I know is that I’ve gone through and applied Tony Robbins’s Personal Power, which is pretty much NLP for the masses.

And that’s my message for you for today:

If you can take a dry, inaccessible, but useful topic, and simply sexy it up without venturing into snake oil territory, you can become a star. (Maybe not Tony Robbins, but you know what I mean…) The good news is that right now, there are more such dry but useful topics than ever.

Let me leave you with a quote from the book Positioning by Jack Ries and Al Trout. This is basically what I’m trying to say but more concise — just swap “blowhardness” for “poetry” and “credibility-destroying hype” for “creativity”:

“For many people or products today, one roadway to success is to look at what your competitors are doing and then subtract the poetry or creativity which has become a barrier to getting the message into the mind. With a purified and simplified message, you can then penetrate the prospect’s mind.”

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Persuasion world: Men wanted for hazardous journey

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A few days ago, I was talking to a successful copywriter. He said he had studied Dan Ferrari’s sales letters in detail.

(Dan, as you might know, is another successful copywriter, with a string of big-name controls.)

So I mentioned a presentation Dan once gave, where he broke down one of his most successful promotions. I offered to send successful copywriter #1 this presentation.

But he seemed reluctant. It seemed he had gotten what he wanted from Dan’s sales letters alone… and he didn’t want or need to hear Dan’s take on it.

And you know what? I can understand.

I liken it to going to see a movie versus reading a review of that same movie. The review might be good, might be bad… but even if it was written by the director himself, it’s certainly going to be a very different experience than seeing the real thing.

It won’t stimulate the same random pathways in the brain. It won’t trigger the same emotions. And it won’t allow for much independent thought.

This applies to you too. Right now, you may be reading books… going through courses… skimming emails like this one. Fine. They can give you the lay of the land when you’re new to a topic.

But the map, as they say in NLP, is not the territory.

Somebody else’s second-order interpretation of what persuasion is all about can only take you so far.

​​The good news is there’s a whole wild and dangerous world of TV shows, movies, current events, tabloids, political propaganda, real-life experiences, and yes, even books and articles, just waiting for you to start exploring and asking — why do I think this is compelling?

If you found this argument compelling, you might like my daily email newsletter. Not for any persuasion lessons it might contain… but rather as an example of content that you can dissect yourself. If that doesn’t turn you off, then click here to subscribe.

Rejection stings, this might help

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“You have to love yourself first. How else can you expect anyone else to love you?”

I knew a girl once who shared that bit of wisdom with me. I was young and naive and it sounded reasonable.

But then I lived a bit more. There were times when — not only did I not love myself — I didn’t remotely like myself.

And yet, other people loved me. My mom and my dad, of course. Friends and girlfriends, too. They didn’t know or didn’t care whether I found myself unlovable — they loved me.

Message received, loud and clear. So I concluded the following:

When somebody loves you, it says much more about them then about you. It says they are able and ready to love. All we know about you (not you specifically, you know what I mean) is that you are adequate.

Anyways, that’s a bit of personal philosophy I wanted to share with you. I’m not trying to depress you, by the way. Quite the opposite.

Because I believe it works the same the other way. If somebody does not love you… well, it says more about them than it says about you.

But this blog is about marketing and copywriting. So let me tie it up:

I bring this up in case you’re hustling, in business for yourself, or trying to flush customers or clients out of their hiding places. If that’s you, then you know (or soon will) that rejection is part of the game. Leads dismiss you. Customers and clients leave you.

I’ve been rejected thousands of times, personally and in business. It still stings. But little logical reminders, like the one above, can help.

Can help what?

They can help you go out there and get rejected again. They can help you keep working. Which is how you find success eventually — and even self-acceptance, if you haven’t got it now.

Now for something less fuzzy:

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How to write slowly

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“In ten hours a day you have time to fall twice as far behind your commitments as in five hours a day.”
— Isaac Asimov

It took me about two hours to finish this post.

I didn’t spend most of that time writing. Instead, I looked over notes for topics I meant to cover but didn’t… I read articles searching for inspiration… I picked up and then put down a book.

The trouble of course was that I had a large block of free time today.

I finished with client work some time earlier… I have a client call later tonight. In between, the only thing I have to do is to write this daily post.

Hence, two hours. To write about 300 words. You might know this as Parkinson’s Law:

“Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion.”

It’s a problem in my life. And it’s one of the reasons I’ve decided to overbook myself with work — about three times the usual amount — for the coming month.

Because according to marketer Ben Settle, writing lots of words under intense deadline pressure will make you a faster writer. Permanently.

I’ll let you know how it works out. (Although there’s no need to wait for me. It’s something you can try yourself right now.)

Anyways, I’ve long collected copywriters’ advice on how to write faster.

So far, I’ve got direct “how to write fast” tips from Ben Settle (above), Dan Ferrari, David Deutsch, Colin Theriot, and a few others. I’ve also connected some ideas I read from people like Gary Halbert and Gary Bencivenga to the topic of writing faster.

So here’s my offer:

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