Direct Marketing

Obnoxious writing, or, the harsh mathematics of direct response

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Amazing. Free. New. Breakthrough.

Fascinating. Shocking. Secret.

Now.

I’ve started keeping a list of highly inflammatory direct response words.

You can see some of them above. There’s no sense in me sharing the rest. Everybody who is in this business has to pluck these words up for him or hoyself. And then comes the hard part:

You have to actually use them.

I say “hard part” because chances are you are a little like me.

Maybe you find typical direct response writing obnoxious.

Maybe you say, I would never read this, much less buy this “easy genius opportunity.”

Maybe you think you can be the one to talk to people modestly and simply… and convince them with your earnest speech to listen.

Maybe you can.

I certainly cannot.

After years of writing copy for money, the harsh mathematics of direct response is slowly dawning on me.

A typical sales letter goes out to thousands or hundreds of thousands or millions of people.

If only 98 out of 100 of those people look at your sales letter and say, “Ugh”… then you’ve done good, as long as the remaining 2 buy.

And if a measly 95 out of each 100 people think your writing is obnoxious and repulsive… while those remaining 5 didn’t notice, because you put them in a drooling trance… then you’ve got a ticket to ride.

Speaking of repulsive, maybe that’s what you should focus on the next time you write copy.

​​Rather than trying to appease people who are offended by ugly, hard-hitting, direct response copy… maybe you should actively aim to drive them away. Because as marketer Ben Settle reports:

“In fact, I have found the more I repel the people I don’t want, the more I automatically turn on the people I do. And the more I do this, the more my sales go up. The less I do it, the less my sales go up.”

In closing:

I have an email newsletter. If you are just looking for “swipes,” then subscribing to my newsletter won’t do you any good. Save yourself the effort. However, if you are a business owner who wants to hear what’s working now, at least with the clients I work with… or if you are a copywriter who is interested in those genius secrets of the business… then you may get some value out of it. Here’s where to go to subscribe.

A completed sale: more like a male or a female orgasm?

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A few weeks ago, I opted in on a website for an ebook on buying a sailboat.

I can’t sail, by the way. The only time I’ve ever been on a sailboat was a one-hour episode on a dinghy in Tel Aviv… which ended with my friend and me running the boat onto a crowded beach.

But back to marketing:

I opted in. I then got an email with the ebook. The content was fun, well-researched, and informative. I was ready for more.

But more never came. Until two weeks later, when a second email arrived.

By that point, my sailboat-buying forest fire had cooled to a well-controlled stovetop flame. I couldn’t even remember the sender’s name any more. I barely skimmed the second email and didn’t click any of the links.

You see my point.

In the strange world of direct response marketing, perhaps the strangest thing is the value of recency.

​​The more recently somebody expressed interest in something, the better a prospect they make. So far, that might make sense.

But where it gets strange is this holds even when somebody just bought.

So for example, had I bought a book on getting a first sailboat… that would actually be the ideal time to offer me a second book, on pretty much the same topic.

Maybe this seems strange because marketing has been a male-dominated world. On some Freudian level, maybe we men compare it to our own experiences of satisfaction in another field. Because the male orgasm leaves its owner sated, at least for a while.

But it seems to me a completed sale is more like a female orgasm. From what I’ve seen in my limited sexual experience, that event makes its owner immediately eager for more of the same.

Maybe this is something to keep in mind if you’re scheduling your followup campaign. It might require getting out of your own head a bit.

To help you out, here’s a related, somewhat politically incorrect quote from an ancient book I’m reading:

“I have again and again heard ladies, who come to visit us, say that all other delights in the world are but toys in comparison with that which a woman enjoyeth, whenas she hath to do with a man. […] I have heard say that one cock sufficeth unto half a score hens, but that half a score men can ill or hardly satisfy one woman.”

If you like sexual analogies, you won’t like my daily email newsletter. Otherwise, you can try it out here.

Zoolander-safe direct response levers

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Maybe you know the graveyard scene from the absurd comedy Zoolander:

Derek Zoolander, a really really good-looking male model played by Ben Stiller, meets former hand model JP Prewett, played by David Duchovny.

They’re meeting in a graveyard at night. Because Duchovny has a dangerous secret to reveal… male models committed all the biggest assassinations in history! And Derek is next in line.

“But why male models?” Derek asks.

“Because they are perfect,” Duchovny says. Male models are in peak physical condition… they get access to the most exclusive locations… and they don’t think for themselves.

Derek ponders on this for a minute. And then he scrunches up his forehead, pouts out his lips, and asks,

“But why male models?”

Don’t judge.
​​
Because for years, I was asking one question in the same stupid way. And then earlier this week, I heard a marketing talk by Dan Kennedy.

The subject was segmentation. It’s not a complicated concept:

You have your audience or your space of prospects. But instead of marketing to everybody… you market to only a segment of the whole.

“But why segmentation?”

Lean in Derek. I’ll tell you the explanations I’d heard for years.

Segmentation is the only way to make expensive direct mail work. You only pay to mail to people who are most likely to buy your offer.

“Ok, go on…”​​

Segmentation is also a smart way to avoid pissing off your email subscribers. Don’t send them stuff they don’t care about, and they won’t unsubscribe.

“I see…”

But I didn’t really. I kept pondering on this many times over the years.

And like Derek Zoolander, each time I scrunched up my forehead, pouted out my lips, and asked once again,

“But why segmentation?”

Well, it finally clicked. Or rather, I heard Dan Kennedy explain it, and it pierced my thick male-model skull.

The real reason you segment is to increase response.

Because when you segment your list, you know something extra about the people you are writing to. You can take that extra info and stuff it into your message.

For example:​
​
R​ather than mailing out a sales letter with the headline, “How to increase your IQ by 30 points in the next 90 days”…

Your headline can read, “How beautiful but dimwitted male models can get equally beautiful brains before Milan Fashion Week 2021.”

When you segment, your message becomes more targeted. Your copy becomes more specific. And your response becomes more up.

This is just one of the many simple direct response levers that even Zoolander could pull to make an unprofitable campaign profitable… or to make a worthless business worthwhile.

Which brings me to my offer of partnership and investment opportunity from yesterday. In case you didn’t read it, you can read the archived version here.

I’ve forgotten dozens of unique and phenomenally effective ideas

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“All great advancements in businesses come from outside the box, not inside the box. I get to do it. What I get to do as a consultant, I get to go over and work with industry A. And because everybody’s myopic, while I’m over there I notice something that’s phenomenally effective. Hardly anybody else outside their business is doing it but could be doing it. I borrow it from industry A and I take it over and I teach it to industry B. And while I’m over there, I notice something they’re doing that hardly anybody else is doing but could be doing. So I borrow it from industry B and I take it back and I teach it to industry A. It’s a disreputable way to make a living, but I’m a high school graduate.”
– Dan Kennedy

A couple weeks ago, I wrote how copywriting has given me a great business education. It’s allowed me to look behind the curtain at dozens of successful enterprises.

Unfortunately, unlike Dan Kennedy, I am much more than a high school graduate. In the 25 years I spent in the school system, I became an expert in passing tests. It never occurred to me to think of how I could apply what I was learning to real life.

This short-sighted behavior has followed me around like a hungry dog. Example:

Since I started writing copy for money, I’ve worked in dozens of different industries. Like I said, it’s been a great education. But I never did anything with the phenomenally effective things that were unique in each industry. I never even wrote them down. And I’m sure I’ve forgotten most of them.

So I’m telling you now, to keep you from wasting opportunities like I did:

Start a list right now. When you come across a good idea in a specific industry, put it on your list. And think about how you could use it in other places.

I started such a list just a few days ago.

​​I kicked my list off with a few profitable things I’ve seen in ecommerce and real estate, two industries I’ve been writing a lot for. And — better never than late – I’ve already got a good business idea out of it. If you like, I will tell you all about it in my post tomorrow.

Or you can get that same post, ahead of time, if you are subscribed to my email newsletter. Here’s the optin page.

A time to profit on YouTube

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“The wind goeth toward the south, and turneth about unto the north; it whirleth about continually, and the wind returneth again according to his circuits.”
Ecclesiastes 1:6

In March of 2019, one of my clients wrote to let me know about new changes in Facebook ad standards. Clickbaity, fear-laden, “punch-em-in-the-gut” landing page copy was out. Facebook had even started rejecting ads that had the word “you.”

In other words, the usual exploding ammo had to go back into the gun safe, to be replaced by rubber bullets.

But a few days ago, the same client wrote me with the following message:

“We’ve recently noticed a rise in more aggressive video angles on YouTube. These generally surround very broad health, wealth, and relationships angles or products. Looking to try one ourselves with an existing product already selling well on YT. As there are no disapprovals on YT atm, we want to go aggressive with this one.”

The client also linked to an example of what he had in mind. Here’s how the video starts:

“When my wife felt I can no longer provide luxury for her, she left me and it broke my heart.”

The narrator says his business crashed, his whore wife left him, he was desperate… and then got a feng shui bracelet. It’s got a special Pi Xiu design, which strongly attracts money and success.

Everything’s turned around now. Business is blooming, the guy feels great, and he’s got a new girlfriend, too. She says she loves him for who he is. You too can get the same bracelet for $19.95.

Ridiculous, right? Well, get this:

This video has 4.5 million views on YouTube. And it ain’t from going viral.

One thing I should point out:

Whoever is running this offer is not linking to this video from a more tame YouTube ad. This entire 5.5-minute melodrama is running on YouTube.

My theory:

YouTube is plucking up that which it has planted. They’ve got tons of users and engagement. They want to ramp up ad sales, so they are making it easy for advertisers right now.

This will last for a while, then they will clamp down. Much like Facebook, who got there sooner, did last year.

As a wise man once said, to everything there is a season. Right now, it is a time to shock, puzzle, and profit on YouTube. And rejoice in your own works. For who knows what will come after?

More wisdom:

It is also a time to subscribe.

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A pound of flesh for a direct response product?

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15 years ago, a friend and I had a clever business idea, a type of modern indentured servitude:

Say you go out and find a 9-year-old Novak Djokovic… or Leonardo DiCaprio… or just some cocky and overachieving little shit.

He’s clearly talented, odds are he will go far. But right now, he’s poor.

So you offer to lend him (or his parents), say, $30k. In exchange, you get a share of his future income.

15 years ago, both my friend and I were jobless, penniless, and spent our time inventing ways we would never have to work.

In other words, we were classic small thinkers.

And with our small-thinking mindsets, we were sure that our idea, brilliant though it was, would never fly in the real world.

Well, my friend wrote me a few days ago. “Remember that idea we had 15 years ago? It’s real now.”

It’s called an “income share agreement.” Right now, it’s mostly limited to certain universities.

Can’t afford to go to Purdue University? No worries. You don’t have to pay or even take out a loan. You go for free… but Purdue takes a cut of your income for 10 years after you graduate.

(If you’re ever unemployed and not paying any money to Purdue after graduation, I believe they get a pound of your flesh. Or maybe your liver.)

I spent the better part of tonight walking the dog around the neighborhood and thinking how this would look in a direct response business.

“Get our longevity-boosting telomere supplement for FREE for life… but we get a share of your social security check each year. Or a pound of your flesh.”

Mostly I concluded, like I did 15 years ago, that this “success share” system could never fly in direct response.

Small-thinking mindset still.

Because I realized it already is happening in one market that I know. Maybe it’s a sign of things to come. I’ll tell you about that in my email tomorrow.

What, you’re not on my email list? Dangerously small thinking. But it can be fixed. Here’s the optin.

Easier, more powerful prospecting: Thinking like Jay Abraham

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Back in 2006, Jay Abraham, aka “The 9 Billion Dollar Man,” interviewed Michael Fishman, aka “The World’s Greatest List Broker.”

I randomly came across a transcript of this interview a few days ago.

The interview was messy. Jay Abraham had to keep running to the toilet to pee. And he was talkative. For much of the interview, he riffed ad hoc while Michael, who was supposed to be the one sharing his expertise, just kept saying “um-hmmm.”

And yet, while it’s messy, this interview is pure gold.

It’s gold because of the unique insights Michael Fishman has about the psychology of direct response buyers. But the thing I want to share with you today is something Jay Abraham said, right at the end.

Because the whole purpose of this interview was to create a kind of calling card for Michael Fishman. A thing that demonstrates his knowledge and insights, that he could use to drum up new business.

So at the end, Jay Abraham, who might be world champion at spinning up lucrative business ideas, gave Michael two pieces of advice on what to do with the interview.

The second and I suspect less valuable piece of advice was to find potential clients, write to them and say, “A lot of people told me this tape opened up their eyes and made them a bunch of money, thought you might like it.”

This is good. It’s what many businesses, including many direct response businesses, are doing in essence.

But I think it pales in effectiveness to the first piece of advice that Jay gave Michael.

And that was for Michael to go to everybody he knows… ask them to make a list of people they would like to send this tape to… and then to send it, along with their letter of endorsement.

The mathematics definitely checks out. Because if you know a 100 people… and they know a 100 people… suddenly that becomes a very big space. One that you might have a hard time exploring on your own.

Just as important, the psychology checks out. Because there’s a huge wall in the human mind between “known” and “unknown.” And you want to be on the “known” side.

There’s a broader lesson here too. But I saved that for people who are subscribed to my daily email newsletter.

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Why I didn’t collect my $10.5 million

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Today I found a tantalizing email in my spam folder. The sender was Mrs. Mary J. Parker. The subject line read:

“FROM THE UNITED NATIONS POLICE (UNPOL)”

The email explained UNPOL was contacting me because of some money I’d wired to Nigeria.

This is a bit embarrassing. But a while back, I got another email. It described a unique opportunity to help somebody and get rich at the same time. At least that’s how it seemed.

I wired the money as that first email asked. And I waited to get rich. But I never heard back from anybody, or saw my money again.

Anyways, the email from Mrs. Parker informed me that a bunch of organizations, including “Scotland Yard Police, Interpol, Federal Bureau of Investigation, (FBI) United States of America, the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC) of Nigeria and all the African Crime fighter leaders” have been working hard to capture the fraudsters who grabbed my money and the money of other people like me.

These law protection agencies caught a bunch of these “Internet rats.” They retrieved billions of dollars.

And now, to make it up to me, they wanted to send me $10.5 million so I could start a new life. All I had to do was furnish a certain Dr Richard Kelly with $450 and also my correct and valid details.

Now here’s something that might shock you:

I decided to pass up this offer. Even though I’d previously wired money to unknown persons in Nigeria. And even though $10.5 million was on the line. Why I did this is the subject of this post.

Let me set things up by telling you about two direct mail campaigns. The first campaign was written by Gary Bencivenga. It made a generous offer:

Six free issues of Boardroom’s Bottom Line/Personal newsletter, plus a premium book. All for free, no strings attached.

It was such a generous offer that Gary thought it needed a reason why. So he used the idea of a survey.

“Fill out this survey,” Gary’s letter basically said, “and send it back to us. As thanks, we’ll send you six free issues and the book.”

This campaign was a massive success. A bunch of people sent in their surveys and got their trial six months of Bottom Line/Personal.

The trouble is, they didn’t subscribe much when the trial expired. And those who did subscribe didn’t buy much of Boardroom’s other books or offers.

But a control is a control. And so this survey offer kept running.

Until the second campaign. Which was was also written by Gary Bencivenga. And which also made the same generous offer.

But instead of using the free survey, the second campaign sent a 64-page booklet, titled The Little Black Book of Secrets.

This booklet had the most interesting secrets from different issues of Bottom Line/Personal… along with occasional calls-to-action to get your six free issues + bonus.

Result?

The second campaign pulled in only HALF the number of responses of the survey campaign. But twice as many of those people actually paid to subscribe when their trial ended. Plus, these non-gimmick customers bought way more of Boardroom’s other products.

In the long term, the second campaign was the winner, and became the new control. Which brings me back to the email I got from UNPOL.

The people at UNPOL did right by giving me a second opportunity to wire money to Nigeria. That’s standard direct marketing — it’s called having a back end. But here’s the thing:

I’m a greedy and opportunistic person.

Sure, I liked the big promise of being able to get rich quickly. That’s why I wired my money over the first time. But my interest was fleeting, and I’ve already moved on. That’s why I didn’t reply to Mrs. Parker’s offer today.

It’s pretty much the same as those people who filled in a 2-minute survey to get something free from Boardroom. Because hype and impulsiveness can get you lots of buyers… but those buyers can make a wobbly foundation for your business.

As Michael Fishman said once:

“Your selling copy in the prospecting process can actually impact the longevity of a customer with the company. So what I mean by that is if you make very, very big promises for a self-help product, a health or investment product… if you make very, very big promises for that about quick results and overnight success, etc… the kinds of people that will find that believable and ultimately will buy turn out to be folks that are not very committed in the long run to your company.”

But you’ve stuck with me for over 750 words now. Do you feel yourself becoming a bit committed to reading my stuff for the long run? In that case, you might like to subscribe to my daily email newsletter. It’s free, now and in six months’ time. Here’s the optin.

Tall Chinese boys and the Zappos case study

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I often wonder why teens seem to be getting taller, even in countries that are not famous for tallness — like Italy or China. Today I found a potential answer.

According to a study published this month in The Lancet, it comes down to nutrition. Improving nutrition is why Chinese boys became 4 inches taller in 35 years, and went from 150th tallest on the list to 65th. Meanwhile, boys in the UK got only one inch taller during that time, which dropped them from 28th place to 39th.

Dr Andrea Rodriguez Martinez, the lead author of this study, concluded by saying:

“Our findings should motivate policies that increase the availability and reduce the cost of nutritious foods, as this will help children grow taller without gaining excessive weight for their height.”

It was the bit about “increasing availability” and “reducing cost” that got my attention. It reminded me of a case study reported in Jonah Berger’s book the Catalyst, about the online shoe retailer Zappos.

In their early days, Zappos was limited in how low they could cut their prices — Nike didn’t want their cool new sneakers being sold cheap.

But even if Zappos could offer lower prices than in retail stores, people would still be wary of buying shoes online.

So what Zappos did instead was remove roadblocks to buying. They offered free shipping instead of lowering prices.

It could have been disastrous for the company… but it was not. Zappos went from struggling ecomm startup to a $1.2 billion buyout from Amazon.

So my message to Dr Rodriguez is, instead of pushing for food voucher programs… advocate for more vending machines selling expensive but delicious dehydrated zucchini chips. And watch those kids shoot up in height rather than width.

But it’s unlikely Dr Rodriguez will listen to me. Maybe you will.

So my message for you is that free shipping makes any offer more enticing… and that price is often not the main objection that you need to address. Rather than trying to compete on price, ask yourself why your prospects are not buying already — and then remove that roadblock directly.

Let me give you an example:

I write a daily email newsletter. It’s free, so I can’t cut its price any lower without paying you to sign up. But the fact is, you can subscribe to it and if it’s not right for you… you can unsubscribe any time with just one click. No risk. No hassle. So why not try it out? Click here to sign up now.

The biggest and baddest dog in the direct response junkyard

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Two days ago, I set up an A/B email test and the results came back conclusive:

Version A made three times as many sales as version B — and this wasn’t a statistical fluke.

So here’s the background of the test:

The subject lines of the two emails were the same. The body copy was the same. So was the copy on the landing page.

There was a difference between the the two funnels…

But it’s so obvious that you will probably roll your eyes when you hear it.

The difference came all the way on the order page — funnel B had a $59.99 price point, while funnel A was only $39.99. That’s why the number of sales (3x) and revenue (2x) in funnel A were so much higher.

You might think this is one of those “dog bites man” pieces of news.

And it is.

Except in the world of sexy direct response copywriting techniques, people often forget about the tendency of dogs to bite.

Fact is, your offer is the biggest and baddest dog in the direct response junkyard.

And from what I see, few businesses give enough thought to this big bad mutt — the fundamental promise of it… the price… the name… the format… the bonuses.

That’s not just an opportunity for business owners. Copywriters too can profit by pushing back on a mild and toothless offer — thanks to the win-win-win nature of the direct response game.

But let’s get to business:

I have a daily email newsletter. It’s about direct response copywriting and marketing – the sexy as well as the profitable. If you’d like to sign up for it, click here.