Copywriting

Unmasking the real Ellen (and everybody else in your life)

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“Thanks very much. This is exciting, isn’t it? This is really great. I’m happy. You seem like a great crowd. Of course, you never know. Never can tell.”
— Ellen DeGeneres, One Night Stand

A few days ago, I watched a bunch of episodes of One Night Stand. That was the half-hour standup show that ran on HBO in the early 90s.

One of the One Night Stand specials from 1992 was Ellen DeGeneres. I’d never seen her standup before. In fact, I’d never seen her talkshow. I only knew her as the TV “Queen of Nice” who was unmasked as being a bitch in real life.

Whatever. I was surprised I liked Ellen’s 90s standup. Here’s a bit about her going for a mud bath:

“You submerge in mud. You’re naked. They always want you to be naked to be rid of stress. Ever notice that? To me that’s more stressful actually. You’re naked around people you don’t know who are naked… and you have no pockets. You don’t know what to do with your hands. [She does a little pantomime of covering her crotch, crossing her legs, crossing her arms.]”

After watching Ellen’s One Night Stand, I found it very credible that she is not a nice person in real life.

In her comedy special, Ellen is very smiley, blonde, and cute. But she doesn’t hide her snarky, judgmental nature. Or who knows, maybe I’m just reading into it, since I know the stuff that’s been said of her recently. But I don’t think so. Because there’s this general truth:

People are often talking about themselves, regardless of the apparent topic of conversation.

And all you have to do is to be aware of this fact. You can then get a lot of useful information without asking any prying questions. Maybe, if you’re curious, you can even go look over this post and find out things about me. Stuff I didn’t mean to reveal. You never can tell.

Anyways, if you want more advice on figuring out the true nature of your friends, family, and sales prospects, it’s stuff I occasionally talk about in my email newsletter. If you’d like to try that out, and see if you find it entertaining and educational, click here.

The silent killer of effective sales messages

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In the next 59 minutes, 100 marketers will suffer a devastating defeat of their marketing message…

… and for half of them, this defeat will come even though their message kicked off with a big promise or a really scary warning.

Today, I want to give you an example of a powerful and undercover copywriting technique. It comes from a Clayton Makepeace sales letter, which I guess ran about 20 years ago.

Clayton’s sales letter had the headline “Cholesterol’s Evil Twin.” And the sales argument went like this:

Fact 1: Only half of people who die of heart disease have high cholesterol.

Fact 2: The other half have heart disease because of inflammation.

Fact 3: Serious conditions like arthritis and diabetes set off inflammation.

Fact 4: Less serious conditions like skin rashes or gum disease also lead to inflammation, which could have dangerous consequences…

Fact 5: And even less serious, everyday conditions, like a splinter or an in-grown toenail… “could trigger an inflammatory response capable of turning plaque into a deadly heart or brain bomb!”

So there you go. An in-grown toenail can make your heart or brain explode.

Pretty wild, right? And apparently, effective, since this sales letter mailed in huge numbers. But here’s my guess:

Had Clayton said this in-grown nail thing at the start of his message, he would have just gotten a roll of the eyes in response. It would have made the rest of his message hard to swallow.

So let me take a page out of Clayton’s book. And let me make a modestly outrageous claim to finish this message:

Beware of putting your most dramatic promise or your scariest warning first. Even if you’ve got facts to back it up. Because the right claim delivered at the wrong time can trigger a defense response in your reader… capable of turning your entire sales message into a deadly marketing flop.

Speaking of deadly marketing:

I write an email newsletter. Deadly copywriting and marketing brain bombs. If you’d like to try it out, here’s where to go.

A-ha moment that makes millionaires out of creative workers

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HER: Started at age 28 with a net worth of $88k. Worked first as a writer. Then as a photographer. Each year, managed to save a bit more. Now, 10 years in, makes a steady six-figure income, still doing consumer photography. Net worth is $1M+.

HIM: Started at age 34 as a freelance artist. Net worth of -$39k. (Yes, $39k in debt. Lots of fancy trips and partying, and not a lot of income.) Switched to a salaried position while continuing to freelance. Now, five years in, has a net worth of $673k.

A few days ago, I read the financial independence journey of a husband and wife team. Their stats are above.

How did a photographer make a million in 10 years? And how did an artist go from -$39k to +$673k in 5 years?

Well, it was some of the usual. Work and budgeting and avoiding foolish financial bloodlettings.

How depressing. Was there anything else? Anything more inspiring? Yes. From the wife:

“I was exercising the same skill set, but applying it to an industry where they valued it and paid much more for it. This was the a-ha moment that really helped propel my professional life forward, (and later helped my husband as well).”

I’m telling you about this a-ha for two reasons:

First, because I think this idea is genuinely powerful.

I once heard marketer Greg Rollett say how he sold Internet marketing advice to broke musicians… $27 at a time. Then Greg took the same information, repackaged it so he was selling it to lawyers. He made $2700 now, for the same product. And my guess is he actually sold more units at $2700 than at $27.

So whether you’re a copywriter or a marketer, evaluate whether there aren’t people who would pay you 5x, 10x, or 100x for the exact same work you’re doing now.

That’s reason one.

Reason two is that the above story, about the husband and wife team, was part of presentation I gave last night.

The background is that, over past year, I wrote daily emails to two large lists. With each email, I promoted various affiliate offers and in-house products of the ecommerce company I’ve been working with.

Our best month in terms of email profit (not revenue) was over $70k. Typical days were between $1k and $2k. It all came from sending an email a day to each of these two lists.

And because this was secondary work, and there was a bunch of other copy to write as well, I had to make these emails as easy and quick as possible. Which is why I came up with a very streamlined process to stamp out these emails each day.

And when marketer Igor Kheifets asked me to speak to members of his mastermind, it was this process that I went through in detail. That was the presentation I gave last night.

So here’s the deal:

I’ll share the recording of this presentation with you, if you like, and if you take me up on my free GrooveFunnels offer.

In case you haven’t been reading my emails over past two days:

I’m trying to get you to sign up for free account to GrooveFunnels.

And if you don’t know GrooveFunnels, it’s a marketing funnel software like ClickFunnels. Except if ClickFunnels is an iPhone, then GrooveFunnels is a tin can with a length of string coming out the bottom.

So why am I pushing you to try it out? And why am I even willing to bribe you into signing up?

Well, I’m counting on some reckless person out there going one step further, either today or in the future.

Because GrooveFunnels is free for three sites if you sign up right now. But a premium lifetime license, for an unlimited number of sites, is not free.

In fact, the premium license is expensive. I know, because I bought one myself last week.

You might say I’m reckless or even foolish. After all, Groove is still a half-baked product, full of glitches and bugs.

It’s a gamble I am willing to take. My reasoning is that GrooveFunnels, while only functional now, will get good soon. And a premium lifetime license to Groove, at the price I got it at, is still a fraction of what just a year of ClickFunnels would cost me. But it’s not clear how much longer this will last.

Anyways, you don’t have to make the decision about a premium license now. Or ever.

Because you can sign up to GrooveFunnels for free, without a credit card. So look at it this way:

In the worst case, you do nothing with your free GrooveFunnels account.

In the best case, you get at least a 3-website license for a service that will one day rival ClickFunnels. This is potentially worth hundreds of dollars a month to you, when Groove starts charging a monthly fee.

And maybe you can use your free Groove sites to test offering your products or services to entirely new niches… ones that might pay you 10x or 100x what you’re getting paid now.

Or maybe you can use the simple email system in my presentation to promote some affiliate stuff in a new niche. (Groove will soon have an email service also, and you will get it if you sign up for the free account today.)

So that’s my pitch. Nothing to lose, and maybe something good to gain.

If you’re in, sign up for the free Groove account at the link below. Then forward me your confirmation email, and I’ll send you the email marketing presentation. Here’s the link:

https://bejakovic.com/groove

Conflict produced this legendary ad — do you know it?

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“We’ve spent a fortune,” screamed the red-faced exec, “but this damn thing still won’t sell! What the hell am I paying you people for?

The gray suits around the table hung their heads.

The time was 1911.

The executives at Colliers Publishing had heard an incredible idea. It came from Harvard University President Charles Eliot.

Eliot said any man could get a world-class education in 15 minutes a day, just by reading a few books. All the books could fit onto a 5-foot shelf.

So the Collier’s people asked Eliot which books exactly… and Dr. Eliot’s Five Foot Shelf was born.

Collier’s ran ads in their own magazine to get leads for the Five Foot Shelf. The ads talked about the joy and satisfaction of owning and reading great books. They featured the Harvard coat of arms.

​​And yet the damn thing wouldn’t sell. It looked hopeless. But it turned around, by accident.

Advertising man Bruce Barton had to fill some empty advertising space. So he flipped open one of Dr. Eliot’s great books and landed on a picture of Marie Antoinette in a rickety peasant cart. He ripped the picture out. And he scribbled the headline above it:

“This is Marie Antoinette riding to her death. Have you ever read her tragic story?”

According to Barton, Marie Antoinette outpulled the old “joy and satisfaction” ads 8-to-1. She kept running successfully for years, and helped sell hundreds of thousands of copies of the Five Foot Bookshelf.

This shows the power of a dramatic snapshot. This is a great way to start your sales letters, advertorials, and even emails.

Of course, that’s not the only good thing Barton’s ad has going for it.

The whole thing is full of copywriting and marketing tricks which worked in 1921… and continue to work in 2021. It might be worth taking a look and seeing how many you can spot.

And if you’d like to do that, I’ve tracked down a copy of Bruce Barton’s original Marie Antoinette ad for you. You can find it below. And if you’d like more occasional trips down 1911 marketing lane, you can sign up for my email newsletter here.

Split-brain persuasion

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Imagine a table in a science lab. At one end is a man dressed in jeans and a T-shirt, smiling and looking around. At the other end is a scientist in a white coat, holding a clipboard.

“I’ll ask you some yes-no questions,” the scientist says. “But don’t answer me in words. Instead I want you to point to YES or NO on this board here. And for each question, I will tell you which hand I want you to point with. Makes sense?”

The other man nods.

“Let’s start then. Right hand: are you at Caltech right now?”

The man points to YES with his right hand.

“Left hand: are you a woman?”

The man points to NO with his left hand.

“Right hand: is chocolate your favorite ice cream flavor?”

YES.

“Left hand: are you asleep right now?”

NO.

“Ok… here’s a more personal question. Right hand: do you believe in God?”

The right hand points to NO.

“Left hand: do YOU believe in God?”

The man’s left hand flies to point to YES. Because the left side of this man’s body, and the right side of his brain, are believers. But the right side of his body, and the left side of his brain, are atheists.

The crazy thing is, this experiment really happened. And so have many other related experiments.

They were all done on patients who had their corpus callosum cut. That’s the bridge between the two islands of your left and right brain hemispheres.

People with a cut corpus callosum do just fine in normal situations. But in a lab setting, you can tease out that they have two brains… two personalities… and two different consciousnesses inside their skulls and skin.

In a person with a normal corpus callosum, these two parts somehow merge. But my guess is these split-brain conflicts remain in all of us, just hidden beneath the surface.

Anyways, now that I’ve told you about the man who might be going to both heaven and hell, here’s the point of today’s email:

According to split-brain research, the right side of the brain responds to images, humor, surprise, and metaphors…

While the left side of the brain responds to facts, argument, consistency, and logic.

So you’ve got to both SHOW and TELL. Because you don’t want the two sides arguing with each other beneath the surface. It might sink your message.

And here’s another tip:

If you’ve tried and failed to persuade somebody before… even though you have a good point… then you don’t need better logic.

The left side is happy hearing the same sound logic over and over.

But you do need a surprising new presentation. It doesn’t have to be logical. It just has to be dramatic. How dramatic? Ideally, heaven-and-hell-type stuff.

Did you find this post enlightening? If you did, then use your left hand to click here and sign up for more ideas and images like what you just read.

Free sample: Why you are not “bombarded with information”

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Yesterday, I started reading a book called Metaphorically Selling. It looks promising, but…

The first chapter is all about the NEED for metaphor in sales and marketing. Here’s the gist:

“There is nowhere you can turn to escape the barrage of pitches vying for your attention and your disposable income. Twenty five hundred bids for our attention bombard us daily, from the television, the radio, the newspaper, the …”

How many times have you heard the same “bombarded with information” argument? I guess each marketing book, course, and seminar has to make it at the start, like a doctor putting a stethoscope around his neck to look professional.

I can tell you this:

This argument didn’t make me nod my head in agreement. Instead, it made me think of a talk that copywriter Richard Armstrong gave at AWAI bootcamp. Richard said:

“Nowadays it makes no more sense to say we are bombarded with information than it would be to say that a fish is bombarded with water. No, a fish is swimming in water. He’s living in water. He’s breathing water. To a very large extent, he’s actually made of water. And so it is with human beings and information.”

I probably heard Richard’s talk 3-4 years ago (it’s up on YouTube). I only listened to it once.

And yet, this one idea, that we are like fish swimming in an ocean of information, has stuck with me ever since. It pops up in my mind whenever I hear the cliche claim about being “bombarded by information.”

And if you take a moment to think about what I just said, you will find a recipe for messages that stick with your prospect for years… that pop up in his mind regularly… and that he shares with others, like I just did with you.

But if you don’t want to take the time to figure out the recipe, don’t worry. I’ll write more about it in a book I’m putting together. You can consider the above a free sample of that.

Anyways, the reason I watched Richard’s talk is because I read his own free sample book. And I was so impressed.

Richard is what you might call an A-list copywriter. His free sample book is a collection of his most successful and interesting ads. Along with his funny commentary.

And the best part? Richard’s free sample book is completely different from everything else out there.

Perhaps you don’t believe me. Or perhaps you’re curious. In either case, if you’re the type of person who wants to check things out for yourself, you can take a look at the link below.

But before you go, in case you’d like to take a daily swim in the ocean current that is my email newsletter, you can do that here.

And here’s the link to Richard’s free sample book:

https://www.freesamplebook.com/

They tried to bury this information… but I believe it

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Here’s a sneaky story about the things they don’t want you to know:

Back in 2013, the European Union wanted proof that online piracy hurts sales of movies, books, and computer games. So they had a big study done.

The 300-page study was complete in 2015. It was then used for a second academic paper by two European Commission members, which came out in 2016.

The conclusion of that second paper was that piracy hurts movie sales by about 4.4%. “Our findings have important implications for copyright policy,” said that second paper.

The thing is, nobody ever saw the original 2013 study. It was never published. Not nowhere. Not until 2017.

​​That’s when Julia Reda, the Pirate Party member of the EU Parliament, got her hands on the missing study. And she published the results on her blog.

“With the exception of recently released blockbusters,” the 2013 study said, “there is no evidence to support the idea that online copyright infringement displaces sales.”

Hold on a second…

So was the EU hiding this study… so they could cherry pick results that fit their desired “important implications for copyright policy?”

It sure sounds like it. Sneaky governmentses, right?

But here’s the bigger truth in all this:

I found out about this yesterday. An article about it was published in an online tech news site. It then went viral on a news aggregator.

But this story has been public since 2017… and yet we’re talking about it now, in the middle of 2021. There’s something there.

As you probably know, if a bit of information is scarce, we tend to value it more. “Long-lost study from 2013” piques our curiosity. But maybe not all that much, and not for all that long.

However, if that bit of information was suppressed, we tend to value it much more. “Long-lost study from 2013 that the government worked hard to bury.” That’s something worth discussing even years later.

“Fine,” you might say. “But I kind of knew that already. It sounds like the lead of every health VSL ever.”

All right. But let’s see if you knew this:

Bob Cialdini’s Influence lists a bunch of evidence that censorship doesn’t just increase desire for censored info…

But censorship also increases belief in that information. Even if you don’t actually see the information.

For example, I haven’t read the original EU study about piracy. Come on, it’s 300 pages. Who’s got time?

But I believe the conclusions. Why else would the EU try to censor it? I bet a bunch of people on that news aggregator thought the same, and that’s why this story went viral.

My takeaway for you is this:

Desire and belief are really two sides of the same coin.

Whether you’re using specificity… or a new mechanism… or even secrets… if you juice up one side of the coin, the other side gets bigger too.

And I’ve got evidence to prove it. Evidence nobody has seen before. I hope to publish it one day soon… if they don’t get to me first. If you want to read that secret report when it comes out, here’s our underground communication channel.

It was a bright cold day in April…

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It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen.

I frowned. I bared my teeth. Two hours had passed since I sat down to write.

But I still hadn’t finished the email. All I had was a bunch of research and half-starts.

How much more time would I waste? Suddenly, ice water ran down my back. The deadline, I thought. It’s so soon.

Now I’ll be honest with you:

Writer’s block is not something I ever suffer from.

But I do suffer from writer’s fiddling… writer’s lack of focus… and writer’s doubt, which turns into writer’s backtracking.

I’ve found a few ways to manage these writer’s conditions. They don’t always work.

But thanks to a reader named Lester, I’ve now found a new way also. It works for writer’s block, too.

The technique comes from a marketing guy called Roy Williams. Williams gives it to you in three easy steps:

1. Randomly force upon yourself a dramatic opening statement BEFORE you know what you’re going to write about. [My tip: Google “weird opening sentences in books” and take the first result that comes up.]

2. Look for the defining characteristic of that statement.

3. Think about what you want to sell. Use the defining characteristic of the statement as the angle of approach into your body copy.

That’s it? Yep. I tried it. It works.

But here’s the thing that really gets me:

Williams performs this act on stage. He asks for a bunch of strange or shocking opening sentences. Then he brings a bunch of business owners up. He asks them what they would like to sell more of. And then he uses the process above to come up with cool ads for those business owners, right on the spot.

People think it’s magic. They even accuse Williams of planting stooges in the audience to set up the act.

But then Williams explains how to do this trick. It’s just what I told you above. It’s something anybody can do. But Williams says, nobody ever does it.

That’s the thing that really struck me. Because it reminded me of something I read early on in my marketing education. Fortunately, it came so early that it actually made an impact. Here’s the intro to it:

I’ll tell you something: This issue of my newsletter is going to make a lot of my readers very uncomfortable. Why? Simply because I know the difference between winners and losers and, in this issue, I’m going to put the choice right dead square in your face. I’m going to give you an extraordinarily simple set of instructions and, if you do what I say, your chances of becoming extremely prosperous are going to be magnified by a factor of at least 1,000!

But most of you are not going to follow these simple instructions. I know that already from past experience. And I even know already the reasons you’re going to give for not doing what I suggest. These are the same reasons everybody (including me) nearly always gives for not doing something which will make our lives better.

Does that make you frown or bare your teeth? Well, if you’d like to read more, and find out how to 1000x your chances of becoming extremely prosperous, before the clocks strike thirteen, here’s the rest of that thing:

https://www.thegaryhalbertletter.com/newsletters/aslz_winners_losers.htm

(And if you want to subscribe to issues of my own newsletter, for free, you can do that here.)

My motivation for writing this blog

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Interviewer: It’s gotta feel wonderful knowing you’re making a difference in so many people’s lives. Now 20 years of doing this — what is it that keeps you motivated?

Ellen Kreidman: I’ll tell you. I’m motivated by what’s happened in my own life. In 1991, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. And then in 1995, I had a reoccurrence and I had to undergo a bone marrow transplant. And I’m here to tell you that when you are hooked up to life support and you have no hair, no eyelashes, no fingernails, no toenails, and you are as close to death as you can be… you know the meaning of life. And it is to love somebody with all your heart and soul and to have them love you back.

That’s from the Light His Fire infomercial. In that program, Dr. Ellen Kreidman teaches women how to fall in love, stay in love, and avoid divorce.

And the best part?

Your husband doesn’t have to join in for it to work… and he doesn’t even have to know you’re using the Light His Fire method on him!

That’s a strong appeal. But it’s not why I’m bringing this up.

Instead, it’s just that bit up top. Because if you’re selling something, there’s a good chance people will wonder what your motivation is.

“If this thing is so good,” they might mutter, “why are you sharing it with me?”

Or, they might get cynical:

“Sure, sure… you want to help me save my marriage. Yeah, right. All you really want is to help your bank account.”

Don’t worry. I’m not going all Simon Sinek on you. I don’t believe that people will buy just because your why is good enough. As I’ve written before, there are plenty of businesses that failed in spite of a noble why.

But if you have a good offer, then it’s smart to talk about why you’re putting it out there. It can help soothe the skepticism and cynicism your prospects feel when they see your ad.

And as the Light His Fire infomercial shows, your reason why doesn’t have to be clever. Pure enthusiasm is often enough.

Should I tell you what my reason why is?

I wouldn’t call it enthusiasm. Rather it’s a kind of obsessive curiosity.

Once upon a time, I used to believe I know myself well. It was hard to face the fact that this is not true.

But on the bright side, it opened up lots of fascinating areas to investigate and explore.

​​So it’s good I’ve found a job that rewards me for exploring why we think, feel, and behave in often mysterious ways… and it’s good I’ve found a small group of people, like yourself, dear reader, who are also interested in the same.

By the way, I also have a newsletter. My motivations for that are much the same. In fact, the content is much the same as this blog… except the newsletter comes out sooner, and it comes without fail. If you’d like to sign up, here’s where to go.

The analogy jackpot

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For the past few days, I’ve been staying in a horrific neighborhood at the edge of town. It’s a mess of oversized private houses, thoroughfares, cars, fast food restaurants, shopping malls, and construction.

Now I’m in Europe at the moment, so this is not identical to your typical American suburb.

But if you don’t like the suburbs where you live, and you either prefer the country or the urban center, then perhaps you will agree with me that the outskirts of town are the worst.

I bring this up because yesterday, I read an article with the title, The Growth Ponzi Scheme. It was written by a guy who is lobbying against suburbs and for something he calls “Strong Towns.”

I’m sure he’s got his own inner reasons why he doesn’t like the suburbs. But his argument in the article is that the suburbs are a typical Ponzi scheme.

They were created with the promise of economic growth.

But the cost of maintaining the suburb (roads, electrical grid, etc.) is much more than the taxes and economic growth that come out.

So the only way to maintain the illusion of growth is to dump still more money into building out the suburbs today, which will require still more money dumped in tomorrow.

In other words, it’s a typical Ponzi scheme. And all of us become suckers when this scam finally comes crashing down.

I found this argument exciting for my own personal reasons.

It felt right enough. Plus it’s such a simple and clear idea to hold in my head. And it’s new! I couldn’t wait to share it with you.

Perhaps you see where I’m going with this.

Calling the suburbs a Ponzi scheme is an analogy.

If people haven’t heard an analogy before… if the details fit well enough… and if the overall feel is right… then the result is what marketer Travis Sago calls a braingasm (a breakthrough analogy in its own right).

My point is that persuading by analogy is super powerful. And it doesn’t even have to be “true.”

Yeah, I’m sure the “Strong Towns” guy did his research. I’m sure he’s got numbers to back up his analogy.

Even so, he’s cherry picking just a few details of a very complex situation for his own purposes.

Somebody else, with a different agenda, might give a different analogy instead. He might say that suburbs are like the brick house built by the smartest of the three little pigs.

He might say it’s smart to invest in solid, spacious, and yet connected infrastructure, even if its value is not yet obvious.

But when the Big Bad Wolf of the next pandemic comes knocking at the door… we will see where our friends from Straw City and Backwoods Country come running to.

Whatever. I just made that up. Perhaps you found it convincing. Perhaps not.

No worries in that case. Because that’s my takeaway for you.

Persuading by analogy is like a slot machine. It’s cheap to play a game. In fact, you can mint your own coin with just a bit of thinking.

Of course, the odds of winning any given game are small. But if you keep at it long enough, you will win. And the payout can be huge. A jackpot.

Final point:

If you want to watch me play the analogy slot machine a few more times, you can do that here.