Customer Service

Exploiting stupid and gullible customers

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I live in Barcelona and for the first time in my life, that means I’m drinking bottled water at home.

The Barcelona tap water looks and tastes like it was used to wipe down a chalkboard before being pumped to your house.

I drank the tap water for the first few months after moving here. I kept asking myself, “Why am I always thirsty?”

Then some friends came to stay with me for a few weeks. They took a sip of the tap water. They refused to have a second sip. They bought bottled water instead.

I drank the bottled water while they were here. And when they left, I found I couldn’t go back to the tap.

My thirst was finally cured. But now I have a new problem. I regularly have to go and buy the water, and schlep it back home.

That’s what I did last night after my evening walk. I walked to the nearest supermarket, about 200 yards away, bought a large 6-pack of bottled water, and schlepped it home.

As I was carrying it, I was thinking about how — bear with me here, I’m getting to a point — there’s a convenience store right in my building. A guy named Malik runs it. The total distance from Malik’s convenience store to my front door is 4 yards, not 200.

And yet, I haven’t shopped at Malik’s for almost a year now. I refuse.

The question is why. I’ve actually written about this before:

===

Malik doesn’t ever ring up what you’re buying. He never gives you a receipt.

Instead, he eyeballs the stuff you’re holding in your hands — a bottle of water, two cans of beer — and tells you the total. 7 euro 65 cents. Tomorrow, the same basket of stuff might cost 6 euro 30. Or 9 euro 15.

Sometimes, Malik senses he has overcharged you. And without looking at you directly, he senses whether you feel so too. If he ever thinks he’s gone too far, he doesn’t lower the price. Instead, he throws in something extra — a single-serve cookie, a lollypop, a piece of bubble gum. Lately it’s been happening a lot.

===

At first, this behavior was curious. Then cute. Then annoying. I stopped going.

I could afford the extra euro or two. I would even gladly pay for the convenience not to have to schlep my bottled water home from a block away. But the random price increases and drops, depending on Malik’s whims and how rich I was looking that day, drove me away. They made me feel gullible and stupid.

The point here is twofold:

First, I’d like to suggest you don’t make your customers feel gullible and stupid. That might seem perfectly clear — much clearer than Barcelona’s tap water. And yet, how many businesses engage in practices that make it seem their customers must be gullible and stupid? Stuff like:

– Transparently fake reasons why (“Our warehouse manager just phoned me in a panic and…”)
– One-time-only offers that really aren’t
– Price increases and drops based on a whim or on momentary greed, rather than strategy

Malik’s store still survives without my patronage. I see him sitting there all day long, looking exhausted and unhealthy. I would gladly pay him the top price he ever charged me for the bottled water, if I only didn’t feel stupid and gullible doing so.

And that brings me to the second point of the story above. But I will talk about that tomorrow, because one point a day is my new limit.

Meanwhile, if you’d like to write daily emails that allow you to 1) build trust rather than resentment and 2) charge high prices that people happily pay, then you might like my Simple Money Emails course. For more information:

https://bejakovic.com/sme/​​

Bejako the airheaded technician strikes again

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Let’s play a game of “Hit the Bejako piñata”:

As you might already know about me, I am very prone to making technical mistakes, snafus, and cock-ups.

Earlier in my life, this manifested itself in all kinds of travel related mishaps: showing up to the airport many hours too early, too late, on the wrong day, without the right visa, without having bought a ticket but fully convinced I had one (yes, this really happened).

Over the decades, I’ve largely managed to eliminate my travel-related clunkers.

But since I now work online and even have a little business online, each day presents a fresh new opportunity to screw up something technical, all the way from the mildly embarrassing to the serious in terms of reputation and money.

For example, consider the events of the past few days:

All of past week, I’ve been telling people to get on the waiting list for my Influential Emails course.

On Wednesday, I opened up the course to people on the waiting list who had bought something from me before. On Thursday, I opened it up to people on the waiting list who had never bought anything from me.

By Friday morning, I’d reached the number of sales I had been hoping for. So I closed down the cart and wrote an email about it, which I scheduled to be sent out last night.

But then, starting yesterday morning and culminating after the email last night, I got replies like the following:

===

I thought you should know that I never received any cart-open emails for Influential Emails despite having signed up for the waiting list.

Actually, I know I clicked on at least two of the waitlist links (in different emails) to be sure I was on the list because I was interested in purchasing.

===

I would like to blame Octavia Campo aka ActiveCampaign for this. But really, it was Bejako the airheaded technician at work again.

Turns out I forgot to add the automation for adding people to the waiting list to at least two of the emails I sent out over the past week. As a result, some 100 people who expressed interest did not get added to the waitlist, and did not receive the email when the cart opened.

Yesterday and today, I’ve been doing damage control, replying to people who wrote me, and reopening the cart for them.

Like I said, it’s time to get out the sticks, and start working on the Bejako piñata.

In short, thanks to my airheadedness, I’ve created a bunch of extra work for myself… I’ve confused and possibly offended long-time customers, who were wondering why they got snubbed in this launch… and I’ve put myself in a situation in which I look like one of those ecommerce brands that says, “Whoa, somebody didn’t get a chance to buy yesterday, so we’re extending the sale for another day!”

So I’m sending this email for two reasons:

One is to explain what exactly happened to anyone who did get impacted by my technological prowess.

Reason two I’ll explain tomorrow, in case you’re curious.

Meanwhile, the Influential Emails cart remains closed except for the people I am ferreting out as having expressed interest earlier, and not having had a chance to buy.

So the only thing i have to offer you today is my 10 Commandments book. You might want to get it for its own inherent value, or for the reasons I talked about yesterday, and that I will talk more about tomorrow. If you’re interested, here’s the link:

https://bejakovic.com/10commandments

Next Monday: My free presentation about storytelling

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Heads, tails, and possibly possibly other body parts up:

A few days ago, I announced I will hold a free presentation on the topic of, “Next-level storytelling tricks for emails that sell (no hero’s journey, thank you).”

Well, that presentation will happen next Monday, November 6, at 4pm CET/10am EST.

Now about the free part:

Some time ago, Kieran Drew, the bloodthirsty dentist turned gentle yet successful online entrepreneur, asked if he could promote my Simple Money Emails course.

I said sure.

Kieran also asked if we could work together to create a special, one-time bonus to entice his readers to buy.

I again said sure. But I also said this special, one-time bonus will go to my previous buyers of the course as well.

So that’s what this storytelling webinar is about.

I solicited questions about storytelling a few days ago.

I got several tons of replies and several hundred tons of questions.

I will be answering the most interesting ones on the webinar. I will also have some of my best storytelling techniques and tricks to share.

If you already have Simple Money Emails, you should have gotten an email from me earlier today with the instructions on joining this webinar. You can join live, or I will send out the recording after.

If you do not yet have Simple Money Emails, you can get it at the link at the end of this email.

And if you decide to get it before the time of the webinar, next Monday at 4pm CET, you will also get this storytelling webinar as a free bonus. After that, no free bonus for you.

So if this storytelling info is something you care about and want, I’d suggest taking care of it right now, while’s it’s on your mind.

​​As you might know already, I am strict about deadlines, and not even Kieran’s teeth-pulling wiles could get me to change my mind about that.

​​Here’s that link:

https://bejakovic.com/sme/

Well, that was a total disaster

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I was lying in bed last night by the open window, enjoying the spring breeze, listening to the radio. Suddenly, the music on the radio stopped and an urgent news announcement came on—

Two tectonic plates had just shifted somewhere off the coast of Western Australia.

As a consequence, a tsunami, a massive wave hundreds of meters high, was headed towards my little beach barrio of Poblenou, Barcelona, Spain.

I immediately jumped out of bed, threw on my Tommy Bahama shirt, and rushed to find Hector Campana, the main civil engineer in Poblenou. ​​”I have to warn Hector,” I said breathlessly, “we have to somehow survive this massive wave.”

I stormed inside Hector’s offices in an old colonial building by the waterfront. But he wasn’t there. One of his unshaven and red-eyed employees looked up at me.

​​”Hector?” he scoffed. “Go check the bar.”

“It’s a matter of life and death!” I said, and I ran to the bar on the corner.

Sure enough, Hector was there, slumped on a bench against the back wall, eyes closed, five empty bottles on the table in front of him.

I yelled at him to get up and get to work. He didn’t respond.

I grabbed him by the shoulders and tried to shake him awake. But he just slumped over even more, all the way off the bench, and down to the floor.

I took a quick look around to make sure nobody was watching, and I gave Hector a healthy kick in the ribs. This finally seemed to wake the brute up.

He opened his eyes a little, grumbled, and said in a drunken drawl:

“Engineers have detected multiple services degraded. At this time, delays in processing and intermittent errors may continue to be experienced until full resolution is declared. Mar 06 2023, 14:21 CST.”

That’s pretty much exactly how it went down last night.

​​The full story is that Daniel Throssell, somewhere off or on the coast of Western Australia, sent out an email to his list. This email had my ad inside, which I had paid Daniel $1,000 for.

As a result, a traffic wave, many hundreds of visitors high, hit my little online barrio.

But Hector Campana — aka ActiveCampaign, my email service provider — was drinking on the job, completely unable to deal with the incoming wave.

For the better part of yesterday’s afternoon, evening, and night, ActiveCampaign was passed out and unresponsive.

​​Broadcast emails took hours to go out. Autoresponder emails weren’t working at all. Neither were automations — and I had set up an automation to actually deliver the promised lead magnet to people who responded to my ad.

I spent about three hours last night fixing what I could by hand, and sending emails to people who had taken me up on the paid offer on the Thank You page.

​​During the night, ActiveCampaign gradually sobered up and emails finally started going out. Even so, I still had an hour or two of cleanup this morning.

So all in all, it was a total disaster. Really, the only salvageable thing was this:

Even though ActiveCampaign was passed out last night, it was at least registering (most) people who opted in. So as of right now, a little more than 14 hours after Daniel’s email went out, I have some 410 new subscribers thanks to my ad.

More importantly, I’ve also made 37 sales of the $100 offer I was making on the optin Thank You page.

25 of those sales came from people who were already subscribed to my list, and who opted in again via the ad to get the free bonuses I promised.

But I’ve also made 12 sales of the same $100 offer to entirely new subscribers.

Which means that — twelve times one hundred, carry the four — my ad in Daniel’s newsletter has already paid for itself. In fact, it paid for itself in just 3 hours and 9 minutes — that’s how long it took for the 10th purchase from a new subscriber to come in.

So a total disaster looked at from one angle… or looked at from another angle, an unqualified success.

Meanwhile, back in Poblenou:

Later today, I will organize an emergency Town Hall meeting to discuss the firing and possible lynching of Hector Campana.

Also later today, at 3:31pm EST to be exact, I will take down the paid offer I am currently making on that Thank You page.

While I promised Daniel that my lead magnet would only be available through the ad in his newsletter, this paid offer on the Thank You page isn’t part of that promise.

So whether you just got onto my list, or whether you’ve been on my list for a while, you can take me up on this offer. But you do have to be on my list. To get on there, click here and fill out the form that appears.

“Nothing you suggest is working”

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Yesterday, I got an email from a reader who was trying to buy my Insight Exposed program. The order page was popping up an error message telling him his password was wrong — but there was no place to put in any kind of password.

I wrote back to this reader, explaining the two-step process to get rid of this error message. A few minutes later, he wrote back to say:

===

Thanks for writing.

Nothing you suggest is working.

I am inept at things like this. Is there a thing called computer log in voodoo?

However even I have to say that IMHO your order page malfunction is probably costing a lot of money.

Just sayin, for your sake. And mine too because I do WANT TO BUY YOUR INSIGHT EXPOSED.

please help.

P.S. I do love reading your emails. I love your style and good spirit.

===

As soon as I read this message, I remembered Tony Robbins. When Tony would host arena-sized self-improvement seminars, inevitably somebody would get up to the mic and say:

“Tony I just can’t get a job/find a boyfriend/make any money. Nothing is working. I’ve tried everything!”

To which Tony would arch his brow and, using his best Tony the Tiger voice, say:

“Everrrrrrything? Ok, tell me the last hundred things you’ve tried.”

“Hah, gee Tony, it wasn’t a hundred things…”

“All right, tell me the last twenty things you’ve tried.”

“Well, it wasn’t twenty either…”

“Ok, tell me the last five things you’ve tried.”

“Well you see Tony, I’m just really having a lot of trouble getting started…”

And so it was with my reader above. I wrote him back to ask what exactly he had tried that wasn’t working. I didn’t get a response. But a short time later, I did get a notification that he had bought Insight Exposed from me.

I’m not blaming this guy or anybody else. I just wanted to tell you about that Tony Robbins “Everrrrrrything?” response, which might be useful with people who say nothing is working. And if you’re anything like me, those people might include yourself at times.

Anyways, I’ve gotten a surprising and pleasing number of orders so far for Insight Exposed, which makes me doubt that my problematic order page is costing me a lot of money.

That doesn’t change the reality that my order page and my entire cart/membership software are quirky and unintuitive. That’s something I will have to deal with in time. For now though, I’ll have to just have to manually reply to a few readers who are having problems with their order process.

In case you yourself are interested in Insight Exposed, you will have to get on my email list first, because this is an offer I am only making available to my newsletter subscribers. If you’d like to get on my list, here’s where to go.

Promiscious upgrading is a very bad plan indeed

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A Copy Riddles member named Paul writes in:

Hello John,

I purchased Copy Riddles some months ago.

Will you give me (and all previous buyers) access to the member’s area now that the program is delivered on a website?

The answer is yes and no.

I definitely gave Paul access to the members-only area of my site where Copy Riddles is now hosted.

Hence the yes part in the “yes and no” above.

But I won’t do the same for all previous buyers — not unless they write me and ask. ​​Hence the no.

The reason I am not giving access automatically to all previous buyers is that I have to do it manually, and that takes some time and effort. And why go to that expense for someone who might not appreciate it? ​​In the words of the godfather of modern advertising, Claude Hopkins:

I consider promiscuous sampling a very bad plan indeed. Products handed out without asking or thrown on the doorstep lose respect. It is different when you force people to make an effort.

As it was for bars of soap a hundred years ago, so it is for the new Copy Riddles today.

If you have gone through Copy Riddles previously, in its old, email-based form, and you’d like me to upgrade you to the new, web-based form, just write me and ask. I will do it, as Joe Sugarman used to say, promptly and courteously.

And if you haven’t yet gone through Copy Riddles yet in any form, here’s what Paul (same Paul as above) had to say after I upgraded him to the new Copy Riddles:

What you offer in the “Copy Riddles Course” is a very clever and powerful way to improve our copywriting skills. It’s based on the work of the greatest copywriters. But it’s the kind of practical value you wouldn’t generally find in the books they wrote. In fact, I think there are very few copywriting courses that offer this level of practical value. Best of all, yours is very affordable. Thanks again John. Oh, and by the way, my mother tongue is French and I find that everything you present is clear and well explained, even though I am not a native English speaker.

In case you’d like to join Copy Riddles before the price goes up:

https://bejakovic.com/cr/

The Psycho rules you MUST have for a stronger business and more successful customers

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Last night, as lights dimmed around the city and the streets got quiet and a lonely owl started hooting somewhere in the distance, I settled into bed and started watching…

Psycho!

(​​The trailer.)

This was a 6-minute promo movie, made by Alfred Hitchcock, to drum up anticipation for the real Psycho movie.

The Psycho trailer features Hitchcock himself, showing off the Psycho set as if it were a real crime scene.

​​With cheery music playing, Hitchcock walks around the set, hints at the murders that happened in different rooms, and occasionally pouts and frowns at camera as if to say, “You there, in the second row, what odd thing are you doing?”

At the end of it all, Hitchcock walks into the motel, to the bathroom.

“Well they cleaned all this up now,” he says. “Big difference. You should have seen the blood. The whole place was… well, it’s too horrible to describe.”

In spite of this, Hitchcock continues his cheery tour. He points out the toilet — an important clue — and then the shower. The camera zooms in as he reaches for the shower curtain, pulls it back swiftly, and—

A screaming woman’s face flashes and the famous Psycho slasher music cuts into your ears.

The closing credits appear, and then a notice:

“PSYCHO: The picture you MUST see from the beginning… or not at all! For no one will be seated after the start.”

“What?” I asked my laptop. No one allowed in late? Is this for real?”

It turns out yes.

Hitchcock made a rule for the release of Psycho. Nobody would be allowed into the theater, any theater, anywhere around country, after the movie had started.

Studio honchos were worried that this arbitrary rule would hurt ticket sales.

But you, my dear marketing psycho, probably know better.

What do you think happened?

Did people hear they won’t be allowed in late, and decide to stay away?

Did a few people who did come late, and who got turned away, and who fumed about it… did these people sour everybody else from seeing the movie?

Of course not.

Lines formed around the block, in cities around the US, made up of people waiting to see Psycho, at the appointed time.

Of course, these people were not there only because of this “No late admission” rule.

But I’m 100% sure this rule contributed to the fact that Pyscho broke box-office records in its opening weekend, and has become such a keystone of pop culture since.

Maybe you see where I’m going with this.

People loooove draconian rules and restrictions, particularly in a take-it-or-leave it setting.

Sure, some people get turned away. Either because they know in advance they can’t make it to the theater in time, or more likely, because they dawdle.

But some people will be intrigued who wouldn’t care otherwise. And more important, many people will treat the person setting the rules with a new level of respect and deference.

Ben Settle recently wrote an email about his Psycho rule not to allow people who unsubscribe from his Email Players newsletter to re-subscribe down the line. Ben wrote:

“I’ve tested, tweaked, experimented with, and practiced this policy for nearly 10 years. And I have found, without exception, the harsher I am with this policy, the stronger my business gets with far more successful customers. On the other hand, the more lenient I am with this policy, the weaker my business gets with far more weak-minded customers. It’s such an integral part of what makes my business model work, that it’s ‘part’ of my marketing now, just like clean parks are ‘part’ of Disneyland’s customer service.”

So there you go. If you want a stronger business and more successful customers, stop allowing anyone into your theater after the lights dim.

Or stop allowing them back in, if they ever leave for a pee break.

Or come up with yer own Psycho rules. Ones that match your personality, your preferences, and your business objectives.

“Here it comes,” some oddball in the second row is saying, while rubbing his hands together. “Here come Bejako’s rules. He always likes to write about an interesting marketing and business idea, and then implement it in the same email.”

True. I do like to implement good ideas as soon as I write about them.

But another thing I like to do is to take a really important idea, and sit on it for a while, and then implement it in future emails, and throughout my business.

This particular idea, about Psycho rules, is big enough and important enough to warrant more time and space than I want to take for a single email.

But keep an eye out, if you have an eye to spare, and maybe will see me pulling back the shower curtain some time soon, and with scary slasher music suddenly playing, startling my list with one of my new Pyscho rules.

Meanwhile, if you want my advice, insights, and guidance (no copywriting) when it comes to your existing email marketing funnels, you can contact me using the form below.

No arbitrary rules or hoops to jump through — yet.

​​Here’s the link:

https://bejakovic.com/consulting

Beware “spiritual” and “heart-centered” customers

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Time for a personal revelation:

I went to college in Santa Cruz, California, a place filled with weed-smoking, patchouli-burning, beatific-smiling hippies. And I remember talking to my roommate at the time about the following paradox.

As a group, hippies claim to be all about peace, love, and understanding. But at an individual level, they tend to be some judgmental, closed-minded, and often nasty people.

Bah. Who knows. Maybe I was just projecting.

Anyways, I remembered this today because of something I heard Todd Herman say.

I’d never heard of Herman until today. Apparently he’s a big deal. He works with Olympic athletes and became a success in spite of his dyslexia. And now he runs successful online programs teaching you how to peakify your performance.

These are quality programs, says Herman, with low refund rates. But some people do refund, and Herman wanted to see if there are any patterns here.

So Herman tracked down the social profiles of the refunders. He wanted their Twitter and Facebook self-descriptions. He took these and dumped them all into a big file, and then put this into some software for creating a tag cloud.

And what came out? Who were the people who were buying and then returning these programs, which Herman says most everyone else is thrilled with?

Well, draw your own conclusions. But according to Todd Herman, two phrases kept cropping up in these social profile bios:

1. “Heart-centered”

and

2. “Spiritual”

This personally confirms my previous biases… but even so. If you sell anything online, it might be good for you to know, and might save you some frustration.

And now, here’s my (qualified) pitch to you:

I heard Todd Herman talk about this during his Steal Our Winners segment.

If you’ve read my blog for a while, you know that once a month, I plug Steal Our Winners. That’s because each month, Rich Schefren manages to get six or seven top-level marketers to share a tip or trick or even strategy that’s working really well for ’em right now.

In a normal month, I find at least three or four segments to be really interesting.

But not so this month. This month, I only found Todd Herman’s part interesting. Herman talked about a clever system he has for getting his customers to reveal their deep seated motivations, in their own words.

It might not sound like breakthrough stuff… but if you do do it, it will make your audience say, “Wow… it’s like you’re reading my mind. How did you do that?” And that’s good for sales… as well as your relationship with your audience.

So that’s my qualified pitch for Steal Our Winners. Most months, you get at least 3 or 4 good and genuinely new ideas. Some months though, you might only get one.

But however many good ideas you get, they won’t be worth anything unless you implement them. On the other hand, if you implement even one, it will certainly be worth much more than the low, low price of a Steal Our Winners subscription.

How low are we talking about? Actually, I don’t know. I signed up for a lifetime subscription a while ago, and the price may have gone up since.

But I do know you can try out Steal Our Winners for one month, and listen to Todd Herman’s interview if you like, for an unthinkable fee of $1 (yes, one dollar). In case you’re interested, here’s where to go:

https://www.bejakovic.com/sow​​