Dainty copy killer

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“Good afternoon?” the man asked me with a faint smile.

The normally busy cafe was empty except for one table. As soon as I walked in, the people around this one table stopped talking to each other and turned to face me.

There were five women and the one man with the smile. He seemed to be in charge. He repeated his greeting, which was really a question.

“Good afternoon?”

I looked around. There were plates of food laid out. No music was playing. The lights were dim.

“Is there a private event going on?” I asked. He nodded.

So I excused myself and stepped out of the cafe back into the rain. And then, on the door, I saw a dainty sign on a piece of A5 paper:

“Cafe Lav is closed to the public until 9pm today.”

A nice, clear message. But who has time to read all the notices, warnings, announcements, and advertisements out there?

Nobody.

And maybe that can be a lesson to all the copywriters out there. You might spend days and weeks and even months crafting your message perfectly. But if it doesn’t catch your prospect’s eye, he won’t read it, regardless of how good your copy is.

So how do you catch somebody’s eye graphically? I’m hardly an expert on direct response design, but here are some tips I’ve picked up along the way:

1. Don’t put crucial information in the pre-headline (aka “eyebrow”) because people will read that part of the headline complex last, if they read it at all

2. Don’t use reverse type (white letters on black background) unless you want to hide the message (“This is a paid advertisement”)

3. Don’t use highlights other than yellow

4. Use arrows, circles, and “handwritten” notes to draw attention to important elements

5. Use photos of faces looking at the viewer to draw attention

6. Use photos of faces looking in the direction of an important element you want to draw attention to (eg. an offer or headline)

7. Don’t be afraid to make your headline enormous even at the expense of cutting down body copy

Maybe this last one would have helped at Cafe Lav today. Or maybe they should have just locked the door.

Anyways, if you have other direct response tips, please send them my way. After a long layoff, I’m getting back in the groove of working on my own offers, and that means I act as designer as well as copywriter.

Persuasion bleach

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About a week ago, I decided to make some changes to these posts and as the first step, I made a list of possible topics to cover in the future. The list starts with…

a the basics of persuasion
b marketing
c comedy
d magic

… then it keeps going with 20-odd topics and finally concludes with…

w political systems
x physical violence
y cults
z competitive debate

All that is good and wohl. But honestly, I find it exhausting to constantly harp on about influence and persuasion and manipulation of one form or another. It needs a break on occasion, at least once or twice per woman’s cycle.

After all, the world is a big place, filled with sociologists and ballet dancers and urban planners and radiologists. Many of these are smart and good people, even though they’ve never heard of Gary Halbert. What are they all doing?

I don’t know. But I can tell you what a group of volunteers is doing in Kuterevo, Croatia. Kuterevo is in the Lika region of Croatia, which is the wooded, hilly, and deserted center of the country. And you know what you get in wooded, hilly, deserted areas? That’s right, bears.

So if you can find your way to Kuterevo, you can visit the Kuterevo bear sanctuary. This is apparently not a zoo, but a large enclosure, consisting of rescued or orphaned bears, living in pretty much their native habitat, except their basic needs, such as honey pots and picnic baskets, are taken care of. And according to Lonely Planet:

“From spring to late autumn, volunteers will happily take you around the large enclosures, explaining the history of each bear and touching on the wider issues of bear conservation. Your best chance of seeing the bears in an active state is in the couple of hours before sunset.”

So there you go. A bi-weekly dose of completely different content to bleach out the deep stains that persuasion and influence can leave over time. Maybe your brain needed it. Mine certainly did.

How to win an argument by not really trying

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About 20 years ago, when I first read Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People, I came across a clever aphorism.

“You cannot win an argument,” wrote Carnegie.

That’s stuck with me ever since, even though it goes against my argumentative nature. The fact is, I like to debate and argue and show people how I’m right and how they aren’t. Except, like Carnegie says, you cannot really win. You cannot argue people over to your way of thinking. And even if you do get them to admit that you’re right and they’re wrong, you’ve gained nothing except their hatred.

So most of the time, when I find I’m about to let the debating crow out of its cage, I bite my tongue and I stuff the ugly black bird back where it belongs. I smile. I nod. And I think to myself, “Boy, how wrong you are. But you won’t hear it from me.”

This is an improvement over losing friends and alienating people. But it’s hardly a creative and productive way to deal with new ideas.

There’s gotta be something better, right? Of course. It’s just that I wasn’t clever enough to think of it myself. But I came across this better way to win arguments a couple of days ago, in an interview with billionaire investor Howard Marks.

Marks was asked what early advice helped him become so successful. He said there wasn’t any investing advice that did it. Instead, it was just an attitude, and he’s not sure where he picked it up. He illustrated it by describing how he deals with his longtime business partner:

“Each of us is open to the other’s ideas. When we have an intellectual discussion, neither of us puts a great emphasis on winning. We want to get to the right answer. We have enormous respect for each other, which I think is the key. When he says something, a position different from mine, my first reaction is not, ‘How can I diffuse that? How can I beat that? How can I prove he’s wrong?’ My first reaction is to say, ‘Hey, what can I get from that? What can I take away? Is he right? Maybe he’s right and I was wrong.’ […] I’m a big believer in intellectual humility, which means saying 1) I could be wrong, 2) he could be right.”

I don’t know, Howard. Is this really winning? Of course, I’m all for intellectual humility. But I don’t think it requires saying I could be wrong. And now let me show you some reasons why.

My current love affair with a giant

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Over the past couple weeks, I’ve been listening to a set of ancient inspirational tapes (well, a digitized version).

​​I got them because I watched the original infomercial for the tapes, which came out in 1988, and was sold less by the promises (health, wealth, happiness, and success) than by the testimonials (a lesson for you there). ​​So many of the people in the infomercial said, “I’d tried everything, I was still a failure, until I found this.”

If you’ve been following my emails over the past few weeks, you might know the program in question is Personal Power by Tony Robbins. For years, I’d hallucinated Tony Robbins to be some kind of motivational fluff guru. I imagined he went up on stage, hyped people up, and sent them home. “That’s not how success works,” I told myself.

Turns out I didn’t really know much about Tony Robbins. For example, the man is a giant, or close to one. He had a brain tumor while he was a teenager, which caused his pituitary gland to keep leaking growth hormone. He grew 10 inches in high school and now stands at an impressive 6’7. (The tumor imploded in on itself eventually.)

But more importantly, it turns out Tony Robbins knows what he’s talking about. He’s got some real “success technologies” that others aren’t teaching. Well, I’m sure somebody out there is teaching the same stuff as Tony Robbins, especially after the big man has been in the limelight for 40+ years. But I’ve read a bunch of self-help, how-to-succeed books, and while some of the stuff that TR teaches was familiar to me, some of the key details were new as well.

Most importantly, his “success technologies” work. I can’t say I’ve achieved dramatic increases in health, wealth, or success in the 10 or so days I’ve been listening to the tapes. But by using a couple of the ideas TR teaches, I have been able to motivate myself to do things that I normally struggle to do. I’ve done them consistently, and pretty cheerfully and automatically, instead of grudgingly and haltingly.

So what’s the point of all this? Well, if you too have tried everything, but you still find yourself a failure (no shame there, join the club), then maybe give the digitized version of Personal Power a listen. And even if you don’t care for Tony Robbins and have no interest in his “success technologies,” maybe you will find it heartening to know that there are some good and useful products sold through direct response advertising, and yes, even through infomercials.

Breakthrough con artistry

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If you start sniffing around the copywriting cafeteria, you will soon discover that many top copywriting chefs revere one specific book. ​​It’s an old book, originally published 53 years ago. It wasn’t republished for many years, so resourceful people stole this book from public libraries, while less resourceful people bought used copies on eBay. This eventually drove the price for a single copy up to $600 or more.

It must be pretty amazing to be worth so much money, right?

Well, once you start reading this book, odds are good you will soon be frustrated. That’s because the book, while written by a top-level copywriter who knew how to write simply and clearly in sales letters, is complex and complicated and hard to read and contains new and unfamiliar ideas. But this last bit is why so many expert copywriters revere this one particular book.

The book in question was written by the great Eugene Schwartz, and is called Breakthrough Advertising. The reason it’s so revered is that, in the first 3 chapters alone, it gives an unrivaled explanation of how marketing evolves in different markets, and how businesses, marketers, and copywriters can use this to their profit.

The gist is that you always want to differentiate yourself. Of course, that summary is a little too general to be useful. If you want more detail, you have two options.

Option one is to get a copy of Breakthrough Advertising yourself and to push through it, or through the first three chapters at least. The book is available now for the ridiculously low price of $125, and if you really do read it and apply what it teaches, it will be well worth your money and brain power.

Option two is free and will only take 3 minutes and 4 seconds of your life. It might even make you laugh. I’m talking about a new Key & Peele video that a friend just sent me, titled (entitled?) “You Can’t Con a Con Artist If You’re Also a Con Artist.”

​​This short sketch is not nearly as detailed of a guide as Breakthrough Advertising, but it presents many of the same ideas, in a condensed, entertaining package. If you want to give it a looksee, and try to unravel the marketing messages hidden within, here is the link:

How to make magic more fascinating

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I just watched an impressive magic show that appeared on Britain’s Got Talent.

The magician, a guy named Marc Spelmann, walked up to the judges. He asked one to choose a crayon for a box. He asked another to pick a card from a deck of 52 different animal cards. He asked the third to mix up a Rubik’s cube. And he asked the fourth to circle a random word in a book.

By the way, this might be off topic, but did you know that Siamese cats have an incredible property not seen since the days of 1980s Matchbox cars? It’s true. Here’s what I mean:

Siamese cats actually have heat-sensitive fur. That’s why cooler parts of the cat, like the tail and the ears, are darker that the warmer cat bits, like the belly and the back. It has something to do with a mutated enzyme involved in melanin production. Maybe this means you could color-correct a Siamese using nothing more than a hair dryer and an ice cube.

Anyways, getting back to the magic show. Once each judge had made some kind of random choice, the magician went back on stage and showed a video. The video was recorded two years earlier, and showed the magician’s kid.

In the video, the kid was drawing with the exact color of crayon the first judge chose. She was sleeping with the animal shown on the card chosen by the second judge. She was playing with a Rubik’s cube that had the exact pattern the third judge had just mixed up.

​​And when asked what message she would like to give to the world if her daddy ever made it to BGT, the kid said, “hat,” which was the random word the fourth judge had circled in the book.

Now, I heard about this whole performance by listening to Mike Mandel’s hypnosis podcast. Mike and his business partner Chris discussed the video because they thought it was a great example of using hypnosis-like principles. But where’s the hypnosis?

Well, right after the magician had asked each judge to make a random choice, and right before turning on the video showing his daughter who predicted all those choices, he told a quick story. It turns out his wife couldn’t conceive for 5 years of IVF.

​​Finally, when she did conceive, she was diagnosed with cancer. So while she was pregnant, she had to go through chemotherapy. There wasn’t much hope. “But this is real magic,” the magician says. Both his wife and his baby survived.

And so ends the story. And then the video comes on and you see the kid playing with the crayon etc.

Hypnotists Mike and Chris said that this is a great example of how you can stir up an emotion and link it to a suggestion. The magic show would have been good without this story. But injecting emotion and drama in the middle, even though it had nothing to do with the actual performance, made it over-the-top better.

So maybe keep this in mind. ​​A little bit of gratuitous emotion and drama might be something you too can use to make your message, or offer, or even magic show, more fascinating and more impactful.

The FTC strikes again

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A couple days ago, the news around the marketing and copywriting water cooler was that the FTC, the club-wielding government body in charge of stamping out deceptive and prohibited marketing practices, had sued several Agora companies.

Agora and its offshoots are some of the biggest players in direct response space, so this has the potential to be big news. Or not. But in any case, it got me curious about what the FTC is up to, so I signed up for their newsletter.

And only yesterday, while I was in the middle of hacking away at my current real estate VSL, I got an FTC email with the subject line, “Yet another real estate seminar scam.” The email reads:

“For the second time in about a month, the FTC sued a company that falsely promised it would show people how to earn money in real estate to get them to pay thousands of dollars for seminars. […] If someone says you can earn a lot of money on an investment with little or no risk, that’s probably a scam.”

So how does this affect the real estate promo I’m writing, which pretty much says you can make money in real estate with little or no risk, and also has an $1k+ upsell on the back end?

​​Well, I’ll tell you about that another day.

​​For now, I encourage you to head over to the FTC site and sign up for their newsletter. It’s entertaining reading, and might be a lifesaver if you’re doing work in edgy markets like bizopp, investing, or health.

Yet another clickbait subject line

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“I was furious…”

“Did you get a chance to see this?”

“I almost forgot to tell you!”

I’ve seen an uptick recently in flat-out clickbait subject lines like these. And by “clickbait,” I mean subject lines that have little (or nothing) to do with the actual content of the email. They are simply tacked on as an afterthought, and could work just as well with any other content.

But what’s the problem? The more the merrier, right? People can’t read your message unless they click on it, and if a subject line gets them to click, then it’s done its job.

Perhaps. But like salt, curiosity rarely makes a filling meal on its own. That’s not my conclusion. Instead, it comes from one of the greatest copywriters of the last century, John Caples, who wrote about headlines:

“Avoid headlines that merely provoke curiosity. Curiosity combined with news or self-interest is an excellent aid to the pulling power of your headline, but curiosity by itself is seldom enough. This fundamental rule is violated more often than any other.”

And then then we get to the very other extreme. You might call this “the fewer the merrier.” It’s an idea promoted by the likes of marketing expert Travis Sago, who has made himself and his clients millions of dollars, often solely through email. Travis advises that you “write your subject lines like you have to pay for every open.”

So what to do? Who’s right?

Well, I think there’s actually no single right answer. There might be situations where clickbait headlines (“Whoa!”) make sense and make sales. Cold emails to businesses might be one example. Personally, I don’t like these kinds of subject lines, but that’s just a matter of artisanal pride.

I also think that if you’re looking to play the long game with your marketing, meaning you want an ongoing relationship with your readers, then it makes sense not to piss those readers off. Will they click on your email and feel like they’ve been scammed into reading something irrelevant? Then maybe it’s time to consider making your subject line less clickbaity, more transparent, and more specific.

Averting the condom catastrophe

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A few months back, I was driving on the highway when I realized I’d seen the same billboard over and over. I forget exactly what it said, but it was along the lines of,

“It’s time for great HEX”

It turns out Hex is a new brand of condoms. They claim to be revolutionary and better than the status quo.

Now, maybe Hex condoms really are so good that they will spread by virtue of the product quality alone. That’s their best shot, because their marketing sucks.

Condoms suck in general, and you’ve already got a bunch of brands out there. Trojan and Durex are the default, depending on where you live. Then there’s Magnum for the talented guys, as well as a bunch of alternate no-name brands you might pick up in a convenience store at 2am.

So there’s no place for Hex — unless they find one for themselves through clever positioning.

Maybe they could try to be the “Apple of condoms”… or the condom what women prefer… or the condom for the climate-conscious. But all those ideas are contrived. The real place to look for positioning is in the market.

And if you do any reading about the, ahem, male performance market, which I’ve done plenty of, you will see that most men do not complain that their condoms aren’t classy enough… or that they turn women off… or that seagulls are choking on runaway rubbers.

But there is something that many men do complain about.

Fact is, there’s a significant group of men who simply lose their erection once the condom comes on.

So maybe Hex could target the guys with poor blood flow. “Hex, the condom for pre-diabetics and others who want to avert the condom catastrophe.” Hex could even copy one of the most successful positioning campaigns of all time and say,

“Hex is only no. 4 in condoms. So why go with us? We make you harder.”

Now that’s a campaign I’d like to see as I’m driving on the highway next summer. Maybe I’ll write to the CEO of LELO, the company that produces Hex, and suggest it.

The fact is, long gone are the days when you could simply say, “New product! Why don’t you try it?”

If you are promoting something, you need a new mechanism into the mind. And often, that’s not found in the product itself. Keep this idea in your own mind, and you’ll have a much better shot at success, whether you’re promoting your own condom brand or something less shocking.

Roast me

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Every few days, a “Roast me” post appears on the front page of Reddit, and it never ceases to amaze me.

If you don’t know the “Roast me” concept, let me explain. A person takes a selfie, posts it on the r/RoastMe subreddit, and then hundreds or thousands of internet strangers compete to come up with the most creative and hurtful ways to insult this person, based on the selfie alone.

I’ve stopped looking at these posts. I’m so insecure personally that I get vicariously uncomfortable even while reading about other people being humiliated.

It boggles my mind. Why would anybody want to get roasted? According to my calculations, you can’t win anything except for a nervous tick. But you can certainly lose any self-acceptance you managed to scrape together over the past half-dozen years.

And yet, day after day, people keep going on r/RoastMe and voluntarily getting their old wounds reopened, and new ones slashed in. And this brings up a very important point about human nature, and ties into something I wrote about yesterday:

The fact is, people only ever do things for a reason.

Of course that’s true for everyday “normal” behavior. But it’s equally true for every stupid or self-defeating or incongruous thing that people do.

Unless somebody is schizophrenic or completely psychotic, they will have a reason deep down for what they are doing. And that reason is not just that they are dumb or weak-willed or forgetful. No. They actually have a goal. And their seemingly nonsensical behavior is getting them there.

For example, one of the most fundamental human drives is the need for consistency. We have a mental model of how the world works, and we don’t want to see that mental model rocked or undermined.

So if somebody secretly believes that they are unattractive (and except for a few lucky narcissists, this includes all of us), what better way to get that confirmation than by having random Internet strangers mock your teeth, eyebrows, or breasts?

Similarly, another fundamental human drive is the need to be significant. To be noticed, relevant, unique. And if you’re not getting that need fulfilled in real life, if people are simply passing you by and not taking notice of you, well, there’s a home for you on r/RoastMe. For the low price of your self-respect, you can get the momentary attention of hundreds of thousands or maybe even millions of people.

If you’re looking to persuade people, you’ll have to start looking out for stuff like this. Because it’s not intuitive. ​​Like I said, even though I know people only do things for a reason, I’m still amazed each time I see a new trending r/Roast me post.

​​I would never do that. And so please don’t write to roast me. But if you want to say something flattering, then definitely send me an email.