Dale Carnegie

My recipe for writing a book that influences people and sells itself

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I just spent the morning reading statistics about the best-selling books of the 20th century so I could bring you the following curious anecdote or two:

The year 1936 saw the publication of two all-time bestselling books.

The first of these was Gone With The Wind. That’s a novel that clocked in at 1,037 pages. “People may not like it very much,” said one publishing insider, “but nobody can deny that it gives a lot of reading for your money.”

Gone With The Wind was made into a 1939 movie with Vivien Leigh and Clark Gable, which won a bunch of Oscars. Without the monstrous success of the movie, odds are that few people today would know about the book, even though it sold over 30 million copies in its time.

On the other hand, consider the other all-time bestseller published in 1936.

It has sold even better — an estimated 40 million copies as of 2022.

And unlike Gone With The Wind, this second book continues to sell over 250,000 each year, even today, almost a century after its first publication.

What’s more, this book does it all without any advertising, without the Hollywood hype machine, simply based on its own magic alone.

You might know the book I’m talking about. It’s Dale Carnegie’s How To Win Friends And Influence People.

One part of this success is clearly down to the promise in the title. As Carnegie wrote back then, nobody teaches you this stuff in school. And yet, it’s really the fundamental work of what it means to be a human being.

But it can’t be just the title. That’s not reason why the book continues to sell year after year, or why millions of readers say the book changed their lives.

This includes me. I read How To Win Friends for the first time when I was around 18. It definitely changed how I behave.

For example, take Carnegie’s dictum that you cannot ever win an argument.

​​I’m argumentative by nature. But just yesterday, I kept myself from arguing — because Carnegie’s ghost appeared from somewhere and reminded me that I make my own life more difficult every time I aim to prove I’m right.

This kind of influence comes down to what’s inside the covers, and not just on them.

So what’s inside? I’ll tell ya.

Each chapter of Carnegie’s book is exactly the same, once you strip away the meat and look at the skeleton underneath. It goes like this:

1. Anecdote
2. The core idea of the chapter, which is illustrated by the anecdote above, and which is further illustrated by…
3. Anecdote
4. Anecdote
5. Anecdote
6. (optional) Anecdote

The valuable ideas in Carnegie’s book can fit on a single page. But it’s the other 290 pages of illustration that have made the book what it is.

In other words, the recipe for mass influence and continued easy sales is being light on how-to and heavy on case studies and stories, including personal stories and experiences.

Maybe you say that’s obvious. And it should be, if you read daily email newsletters like mine. But maybe you don’t read my newsletter yet. In case you’d like to fix that, so you can more ideas and illustrations on how to influence and even sell people, then I suggest you click here and follow the instructions that appear.

How to win an argument by not really trying

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About 20 years ago, when I first read Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People, I came across a clever aphorism.

“You cannot win an argument,” wrote Carnegie.

That’s stuck with me ever since, even though it goes against my argumentative nature. The fact is, I like to debate and argue and show people how I’m right and how they aren’t.

Except, like Carnegie says, you cannot really win. You cannot argue people over to your way of thinking. And even if you do get them to admit that you’re right and they’re wrong, you’ve gained nothing except their hatred.

So most of the time, when I find I’m about to let the debating crow out of its cage, I bite my tongue and I stuff the ugly black bird back where it belongs. I smile. I nod. And I think to myself, “Boy, how wrong you are. But you won’t hear it from me.”

This is an improvement over losing friends and alienating people. But it’s hardly a creative and productive way to deal with new ideas.

There’s gotta be something better, right?

Of course. It’s just that I wasn’t clever enough to think of it myself. But I came across this better way to win arguments in an interview with billionaire investor Howard Marks.

Marks was asked what early advice helped him become so successful. He said there wasn’t any investing advice that did it.

Instead, it was just an attitude, and he’s not sure where he picked it up. He illustrated it by describing how he deals with his longtime business partner:

“Each of us is open to the other’s ideas. When we have an intellectual discussion, neither of us puts a great emphasis on winning. We want to get to the right answer. We have enormous respect for each other, which I think is the key. When he says something, a position different from mine, my first reaction is not, ‘How can I diffuse that? How can I beat that? How can I prove he’s wrong?’ My first reaction is to say, ‘Hey, what can I get from that? What can I take away? Is he right? Maybe he’s right and I was wrong.'”

“Yeah, yeah,” I hear you saying. “Enough with the high-sounding billionaire lessons. Why don’t you get off your preachy pony and give me some ideas for how I could money? Like today?”

Well I never… the ingratitude!

Honestly, this intellectual humility thing was my idea for you to make money. But you are right. It might take some time to bear fruit.

If you want to make money today, then I don’t have much advice to give you. Well, none except what I wrote up a few years ago and put inside my Upwork book.

“Upwork!” you now say. “I’ve tried it! It doesn’t work. It’s a cesspool.”

You may be completely right. I certainly won’t argue with you.

But if you want to see what I have to say about success on Upwork, and what you might be able to take away from it and maybe even make money from, today, then here is my Upwork book, still available for some uncertain time on Amazon:

https://bejakovic.com/upwork

Eleemosynary enlightenment

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The atmosphere around the large conference table was tense.

At one end sat a team of lawyers, dressed in three-piece suits and aggressively staring down the table.

At the other end sat a bunch of sloppy-looking beatnik types, trying to keep calm but obviously nervous.

The time was the late 1930s. The place was Hollywood. The lawyers were studio lawyers. The beatnik types were studio animators, trying to form a union. Among them was Chuck Jones, the famous director of all those Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck cartoons.

Jones really didn’t want to be there. He certainly didn’t want to start trouble.

And then one of the lawyers stood up. He stalked down to where the animators were huddled together. And he slammed his hand down on the table.

“One thing I want to make eminently clear,” he said. “Mr. Schlesinger is NOT running an eleemosynary institution.”

Leon Schesinger was the head of the studio. That much was clear. But what about that eleemosynary? What the hell did that mean?

“I loved words always,” Jones said later. “And I knew what he was doing.”

Jones felt like he was being played, manipulated, made to feel small and dumb. Like his vocabulary was small. Which it wasn’t!

In a flash, this sense of injustice boiled up and over. And Jones, very unlike himself, stood up, slammed his own hand down on the table, and started to yell.

“What do you mean by that word!”

The lawyer took a step back. “It… it means a charitable organization.”

Jones kept yelling. “Well why in the damn hell didn’t you just say that? How dare you use a word like that? We’re supposed to be working together here to try to solve a problem!”

The other animators suddenly took courage also. A team spirit was forming, thanks to Chuck Jones’s unexpected outburst.

The meeting didn’t go anywhere. After it was over, Jones expected he would be fired for his combativeness and troublemaking. And sure enough, he was called down immediately to Leon Schlesinger’s office.

But it wasn’t what Jones expected. ​​

“I want to apologize,” said Schlesinger. “The lawyer didn’t understand we were trying to work this thing out together.”

The negotiations continued for some time after that. The animators kept together, with Jones at their head, all starting with that fight that Jones decided to pick. And eventually, Schesinger signed the contract allowing his workers to unionize.

My point for tonight is enlightenment. In other words, I don’t want to push a one-sided but misleading conclusion from the story above.

Instead, I want to throw out the idea that in complex situations, like in dealing with people, there is no single best way to proceed in all situations.

So in the interest of enlightenment, since we’ve already heard from Chuck Jones, let me leave you with some words to the other extreme. They come from that great philosopher of human nature, Dale Carnegie:

“You cannot win an argument. You can’t because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it. […] Distrust your first instinctive impression. Our first natural reaction in a disagreeable situation is to be defensive. Be careful. Keep calm and watch out for your first reaction. It may be you at your worst, not your best.”

And one final thought for tonight:

If you want more complex and multi-sided negotiation and marketing advice, you might like to try out my email newsletter.

The copy and influence secret not found in Dale Carnegie

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I got off the boat and took out some cash to pay for the boat tour. The tour operator looked at me. Then he looked at the girl I was with.

“Do you guys need some weed?” he asked in the local language.

Nobody ever offers me weed, but it’s ok because I don’t smoke anyhow. But the girl I was with does. So I turned to her and translated.

She faced the guy and said in English, “Yes, a joint would be amazing. And do you know where we can get some cigarettes?” For reference, all stores are closed today.

“No problem.” The tour operator told us where to get cigarettes.

“And now the big question,” the girl said, “do you know where we can get some food?” The country I’m in is under a restaurant lockdown. All restaurants are closed, except for restaurants in hotels. But you have to be staying at the hotel to eat at the hotel restaurant.

The tour operator had us covered again. “Go to this hotel… it’s amazing. Tell them I sent you… they will fill out a form so it looks like you’re staying there.”

“Thank you so much,” the girl said. “How much for the joint?”

The tour operator shook his head. “Don’t worry about it. It’s on me.”

I just finished re-reading Dale Carnegie’s How To Win Friends And Influence People. The essence of that book is to focus on the other person… to let them talk about what’s interesting to them… to make them feel important.

Which is great advice. But I’m not sure it really delivers on the promise in the title. Rather, I think the book should more honestly be titled, How Not To Alienate Friends Or Make People Set On Sabotaging Your Plans.

But for the bigger promise of making friends or really influencing people… something else is often at play. it’s most obvious at the extremes, like today’s situation of the secret restaurant and the free joint.

Some people seem to attract opportunities the rest of us are not privy to. For this girl in particular, it seems to happen regularly, without her doing anything overt to make it so.

The question is why?

The best answer is have is to wave my arms a bit. It must be magic, or some internal vibration.

What really makes people attracted to you… what makes them trust you… what makes them listen to you… it’s more about how you feel (not Dale Carnegie’s advice) than how you make other people feel about themselves (Dale Carnegie’s advice).

Perhaps you’re wondering what this has to do with copywriting. So let me wrap it up with something written by Matt Furey. Matt is a multi-million dollar marketer, a successful copywriter, and somebody who started the trend of infotaining daily emails — much like what you’re reading now. And Matt says:

Truth is, everything you write – whether a simple note to a friend or an advertisement for your business or a chapter going into a book – carries a vibration of some sort, and the stronger your personal vibration while writing the greater the likelihood that those who are somewhat sensitive will feel it.

If you’re in a bad mood when you write, don’t be surprised if the reader doesn’t like what you wrote. Conversely, if you’re in an incredibly positive and vibrant state, the reader may feel such a strong current coming from your words that you lift him from the doldrums of depression into an exalted state of mind.

Then again, if you’re somewhere near neutral when you write, don’t be alarmed if no one bothers to read anything you put out. Make no mistake about it, if you want your writing to get read, it better have some ZAP.”

For more writing like this, you might like to sign up for my email newsletter.

You’ve got everything it takes to motivate people

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“Come on, let’s play!”

“No you go ahead. It’s black magic to me.”

“Don’t be silly. There’s nothing to it. It’s only judgment and memory. Judgment you’ve got plenty of… and didn’t you once write an article about how to remember just about anything?”

“Memory and judgment, huh? All right, I guess I could give it a try.”

In How To Win Friends And Influence People, Dale Carnegie tells a story about being roped into playing bridge with some friends. “Bridge? Oh, no! No! Not me,” said Carnegie. “I knew nothing about it.” And yet he wound up playing.

The above little dialogue gives you a clue how. Because Carnegie’s friend used a standard way of motivating and inspiring people. Speaking of which, here’s a quick aside:

For a long time, I considered myself congenitally unable to motivate or inspire people. Perhaps it’s my own lack of enthusiasm, which I was projecting outwards.

But it turns out that, just as with the broader topic of persuasion, there are formulas for motivating people and stirring them to action.

Carnegie’s friend may have known that intuitively.

But if you can read (which you can), and if you’re willing to follow a few simple directions (and why wouldn’t you be)… then you can motivate people, whether it comes intuitively or not.

Anyways, once upon a time, I collected a list of 10 such formulas for motivating and inspiring.

The tactic from Carnegie’s anecdote above, telling people they already have everything they need to succeed, is no. 1.

If you’d like to read the rest… and maybe even apply them in your own dealings with customers, clients, and perhaps your sullen friends and family… then take a look below:

https://bejakovic.com/99-problems-and-folsom-prison-blues-how-to-write-copy-that-inspires/

You’re funny and smart, and I’ll tell you why

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Here’s a personal story I think you will appreciate (I’ll explain why in a second):

Today I walked up the hill to the local tourist attraction. A couple was dragging behind me.

When I got to the entrance, a guard popped out, blocking my way.

“Where are you from?” he asked with a scowl.

I told him — a neighboring country.

“And where are they from?” He nodded towards the couple.

“Russians, I guess.”

“All right,” he said, “hold on a moment.”

The upshot is, the Russians got in first, paying 5 euro each for the privilege. I had to wait a minute while the guard talked to me about the political and economic crisis in his country. And then he let me in for free.

I was chuffed by this experience. I kept replaying it as I climbed up to the fortress at top of the hill… and then all the way back down.

“I got in for free,” I chuckled to myself, “while the Russians had to pay!”

Maybe you see where I’m going with this.

It’s not just that I managed to save 5 euro. That part is nice, but the fact is, I can afford 5 euro. Instead, I was pleased because I was somehow chosen, selected, and approved.

Jay Abraham and Tony Robbins do this in their programs.

“You are very special,” they effectively say. “How do I know? Because you bought this course… which tells me you care more about success than most of your peers. Because you listened this far… which shows you’ve got the determination to improve and succeed.”

You can use this same approach in your sales copy as well. And I’m not just talking about the lazy argument you’ll often hear at the end of a VSL. (“You’ve watched this far, so you must want this product… so click the Buy Now button.”)

No, I’m talking about everything you can conclude about your prospect. Bring these things up, and use them to explicitly compliment or flatter. Make your prospect feel special, as though these reasons are what make him or her perfect for your offer.

For example, what do I know about you?

I know you’re not satisfied with surface-level ideas, and you want something deeper. Otherwise you wouldn’t have done the research needed to dig up my blog.

I also know you’re a reader. This gives you a big advantage in today’s world, where most everyone needs information served up in fluffy, less dense formats.

Finally, I imagine you resonate with the stories and examples I use to illustrate these marketing lessons. This tells me you’ve got a great sense of humor and a refined taste.

And for all of these reasons, I think maybe you will like to subscribe to my email newsletter. It’s where I talk about marketing and persuasion, and sometimes even give demonstrations of the techniques I talk about. In case you are interested, here’s where to go.

Learning from my hurt sense of importance

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I had a run in with the police two weeks ago.

They stopped me on a dark and abandoned road. They frisked me. They rifled through my wallet. They opened my box of takeout food and sniffed at the dumplings inside.

In the end, they gave me a fine. “Would you like to pay now?” they asked.

I said no.

They seemed surprised. “Then you have five days to pay at the police station. Otherwise you won’t be able to travel or leave the country.”

I’m telling you this story because it illustrates Dale Carnegie’s first rule of dealing with people. Carnegie says, never criticize, condemn, or complain.

When the policemen stopped me, I was pretty sure I wasn’t doing anything wrong. But when they gave me the fine, I became 100% sure I wasn’t doing anything wrong. The policemen were being arbitrary and stupid, and I could prove it. Or as Carnegie says,

“Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself.”

But that’s not all.

Because I never did pay the fine. “What can they do to me?” I reasoned.

I pictured the two cops checking their police computer, day after day… seeing my fine not being paid. In my fantasy, they shook their heads in frustration. “All that work we put in… for nothing!” A smile spread across my face.

But I also imagined getting stopped at the airport when it was time to fly out. I imagined being taken to a small windowless room, with those two same policemen waiting for me.

It made me nervous for days. But no matter. I would spite myself and not pay the fine — just to spite the stupid and unjust police.

And that’s part two of Carnegie’s argument against criticism:

“Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.”

This applies if you’re talking to people one-on-one. And it applies to your copy also.

Some copywriters — particularly when starting out — try to be edgy and insult or mock the prospect. Like this weight loss ad that started:

“ATTENTION ALL FAT PEOPLE! DOES YOUR GARBAGE MAN DELIVER INSTEAD OF COLLECT, AND THEN YELL ‘CHOW TIME!?'”

Don’t scoff. That radio ad was written by a young and cocky Gary Halbert. It pulled in a grand total of 3 sales after thousands of dollars of ad spend.

Of course, your prospect might really be in the wrong. He might be the one to blame. But if that’s what you want to make him see, don’t say so.

Only do it indirectly. For example, by telling him a cautionary tale of somebody else making a similar mistake. Otherwise, your prospect might spite himself — even if he might want your product otherwise — just to spite you.

Hopefully your sense of importance is still in tact. And if you’d like to subscribe to my email newsletter, here’s where to go.

How to win boring friends and influence guarded people

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I was in a cafe today and I saw a masterclass in human relations.

A bare-shouldered girl was sitting and working near the entrance to the cafe.

A guy came out of the bowels of the cafe, and confidently walked over to the hand sanitizer that was stationed next to the girl. He pumped out a disgusting quantity of sanitizer onto himself. “Good morning,” he said to the girl, sanitizer dripping off his hands.

Apparently, they knew each other. But the girl didn’t seem excited by the encounter. She didn’t turn to face the guy, and she kept staring at her laptop.

No matter. The guy started to enthusiastically speak about the work he was currently doing. He kept his gaze on the girl, spoke loudly, and didn’t move.

The girl still refused to turn towards him. She kept scrolling through Facebook on her laptop, occasionally picking up her phone to continue scrolling there.

And yet the guy kept talking at her, more about the project he was working on.

Gradually, the girl put down her phone. Bit by bit, she turned more and more towards the guy. She started to add a sentence here or there to his stream of words.

Finally she started laughing. And then she started to show the guy stuff on her own laptop that she was working on. He leaned in to see better, putting his hand on the back of her chair.

Chapter four of Dale Carnegie’s How To Win Friends And Influence People tells you how to get people to like you. Carnegie explains:

“You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in people than you can in two years by trying to get people interested in you.”

And it’s true. It’s amazing how impressed people will be with your humor and wit if you just shut up and listen to them.

But the thing is, it doesn’t ALWAYS work. Because there are many situations in which people are either guarded or boring or both.

Showing “genuine interest” in these people right off the bat can backfire. It puts additional pressure on them, making them more clammed up and more guarded… and it makes you smell suspicious and needy.

So what can you do?

Well, one option is exactly what the guy in the cafe did today.

Be enthusiastically interested, not in the other person, but in your own hobby horse. At least at the start, until the other person thaws.

Because most of us, the non-psychopaths, have a strong instinct to mirror others. And if you are enthusiastically interested in a topic, it will rub off on other people. As comedian Andrew Schulz once said about his standup material:

“Who cares if they relate to it. Make them relate to it.”

By the way, this can apply to your marketing as well as to person-to-person interactions. Particularly in this day of free marketing channels, like YouTube and Facebook and email.

Write or talk about things that interest you, with enthusiasm. And some people will respond.

That’s what I do. In case you’re curious, my email newsletter is here.

How to succeed in copywriting more than the other guy

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Legend says that, as Wall Street titan Bernard Baruch was nearing the end of his long and influential life, somebody asked him how he did it.

How did he herd a bunch of U.S. presidents and countless other bull-sized egos, and get them to go where he would? Baruch’s answer was simple:

“Figure out what people want, and show them how to get it.”

Interesting. Except… Did Baruch really say it? Just like that?

That’s how the story was told once, in a closed-door session of top copywriters and rich and powerful direct marketing execs.

But I wanted to use this anecdote in a book I’m writing. So I decided to find some context and proof for this quote. And there went a morning, about two hours of work, straight out the window.

First, a random Google search… then more in-depth reading about Bernard Baruch… then searching through a database of old newspapers and magazines… and finally downloading several BB biographies.

Nothing. The closest I found was a similar Dale Carnegie quote, along with other blogs that refer to the same second-hand source (Gary Bencivenga’s farewell seminar) that I already knew about.

In the end, I gave up and told the anecdote much as I told it above. But I started it with, “Copywriter Gary Bencienga once told a story…” Because I couldn’t confirm that the damn story really was true, or that the quote really was as Gary B. said it was.

So were the two hours of fruitless research a waste?

Yes. But I don’t regret it. I enjoy researching and obsessively tracking down original sources. The fact I get to do it is a perk of how I make money.

But wait — there’s more!

Because I’ve long had a feeling that obsessive research can be a competitive advantage. It can surface gold where you’re only looking for silver.

And along these lines, I hit upon the following quote today. It’s by a man who took his obsessive copywriting research… and turned it into a Park Avenue penthouse and a world-class modern art collection. Take it away Gene Schwartz:

“This is what makes success. There’s nothing else in the world that makes success as much as this. I will take the best copywriter in the world who is sloppy and careless, and match him against a good copy cub, and two out of three times, the sloppiness of the great person will be beaten by the carefulness of the other person. […] The person who is the best prepared and the most knowledgeable makes the most money. It’s so simple!”

In case you want to be knowledgeable and prepared, at least when it comes to marketing and copywriting, you might like my daily email newsletter. Click here if you want to subscribe.

How to win an argument by not really trying

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About 20 years ago, when I first read Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People, I came across a clever aphorism.

“You cannot win an argument,” wrote Carnegie.

That’s stuck with me ever since, even though it goes against my argumentative nature. The fact is, I like to debate and argue and show people how I’m right and how they aren’t. Except, like Carnegie says, you cannot really win. You cannot argue people over to your way of thinking. And even if you do get them to admit that you’re right and they’re wrong, you’ve gained nothing except their hatred.

So most of the time, when I find I’m about to let the debating crow out of its cage, I bite my tongue and I stuff the ugly black bird back where it belongs. I smile. I nod. And I think to myself, “Boy, how wrong you are. But you won’t hear it from me.”

This is an improvement over losing friends and alienating people. But it’s hardly a creative and productive way to deal with new ideas.

There’s gotta be something better, right? Of course. It’s just that I wasn’t clever enough to think of it myself. But I came across this better way to win arguments a couple of days ago, in an interview with billionaire investor Howard Marks.

Marks was asked what early advice helped him become so successful. He said there wasn’t any investing advice that did it. Instead, it was just an attitude, and he’s not sure where he picked it up. He illustrated it by describing how he deals with his longtime business partner:

“Each of us is open to the other’s ideas. When we have an intellectual discussion, neither of us puts a great emphasis on winning. We want to get to the right answer. We have enormous respect for each other, which I think is the key. When he says something, a position different from mine, my first reaction is not, ‘How can I diffuse that? How can I beat that? How can I prove he’s wrong?’ My first reaction is to say, ‘Hey, what can I get from that? What can I take away? Is he right? Maybe he’s right and I was wrong.’ […] I’m a big believer in intellectual humility, which means saying 1) I could be wrong, 2) he could be right.”

I don’t know, Howard. Is this really winning? Of course, I’m all for intellectual humility. But I don’t think it requires saying I could be wrong. And now let me show you some reasons why.