Please do not lick your screen

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Today, I’ve got a sample of “old school cool” for you.

It’s a piece of Madison Ave advertising that 1) looked great and 2) apparently sold tons of product. It ran in magazines all around the country for years, in the 1940s and 50s. And in spite of the prohibition in the headline, parents apparently caught their kids licking the page.

I bring this ad up, not just cuz it’s cool, but because it also illustrates a few important marketing points:

1. When all else fails, just sell the damn thing.

2. You have to “build vision,” and images can often be the best way to do so.

3. Your headline should enter the conversation already going on in your prospects mind. In this case, there’s no point in saying, “These suckers are delicious!” Kids already knew.

Anyways, here’s the ad — just make sure to heed the warning in the headline:

Simplicity itself: Bugs Bunny and copywriting

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I watched a video just now with Looney Toons director Chuck Jones demonstrating how to draw Bugs Bunny.

“Start with a pear-shaped body,” says Jones. “A circle for the head… a little nose…”

So far so good. I’m following along as Jones draws 2 bubbles on the page and one dark triangle for the nose.

“Then you extend the angle of the nose in a V above the head. That shows you where to put the ears.”

Hold on, how do I draw the ears like that?

“… the eyes go on those same lines as the ears… depending on what our budget is, we can use 2 or 3 whiskers.”

At this point, just about 4-5 seconds after drawing those initial two bubbles, Jones has drawn a cheeky, perfect, live Bugs Bunny. But I have no idea how he did it. So he explains:

“If you’re gonna draw Bugs, the best way is to learn how to draw a carrot. Then you can hook a rabbit onto it. Simplicity itself.”

Fact is, just because somebody is an amazing practitioner, like Chuck Jones, that doesn’t mean they can explain their method well. And even if they can explain their method well, maybe they just don’t want to, not to every Joe Schmoe off the street. The same happens in every field, including marketing and copywriting circles.

Maybe you’re following some expert’s paint-by-numbers, plug-and-play approach to writing sales copy. But if you’re not getting the results you want… if you’re not making sales you expected to make… if you’re not impressing clients…

Then it’s probably not your fault. There’s just a gap in the education. Maybe the expert can’t explain their method well… or maybe they are saving it all up for a higher-priced product.

The long-term answer is to keep searching for other experts to learn from. In the meantime, if you are looking to get better at writing sales copy, here are a few things that are guaranteed to sharpen your chops:

1) Write something every day — even if it’s a short email like this

2) Read some good ads

3) Read one of the proven books about direct response advertising. Most of the secrets in this business were discovered 50 or 60 years ago, and you can get access to almost all this wisdom for a few dollars on Amazon.

I can’t help you with 1). But if you want some pointers for where to track down good ads for 2) or if you want my suggestions for books in 3) write me an email and I will share my recommendations.

2 theories about the turkey and its name

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There are two theories how the turkey got its name:

Theory one says that confused colonizers thought the turkey, originally a native of Mexico, was a type of guinea fowl, which Turkish merchants were already selling in Europe.

Theory two says that the turkey traveled around the world before making its way to England, where it was imported by Middle Eastern poultry peddlers.

Either way, the beast became known as a turkey cock or turkey hen. Eventually we dropped the cock and the hen, got out the cranberry sauce, and the party started.

I bring this up because today is Thanksgiving, and everybody in the marketing space is sending out emails and writing Facebook posts saying, “I’m grateful for you, dear reader.”

Perhaps they really are grateful. Perhaps it’s just the pilgrim bandwagon everybody has to jump on. “You gotta build a relationship with your subscribers!”

Which reminds me of something I read from Travis Sago. Travis is a very successful marketer and one of the very best at building a relationship online with a bunch of people who don’t really know him. Says Travis,

“You don’t make friends by dropping off Encyclopedia Britannica’s at somebody’s house.”

My gut feeling is that you don’t make friends by sending out emails either, as long as their gist is, “I’m so grateful for you, and here’s a coupon for 10% off.”

But what do I know. Maybe I’m all messed up in the head. Maybe I’m just envious, and irritable because I’m dreaming of the pounds and pounds of turkey cock, the ladles of mashed potatoes, the fat slices of pumpkin pie many people will be eating today.

(Where I live it’s unfortunately not a tradition, although I did develop a Thanksgiving tooth during my long life in the US.)

Anyways, if you are celebrating today, happy Thanksgiving. Enjoy your feast. And we will get back to our regular relationship-building program tomorrow.

2020 Prediction: FB ads will get scammier

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This summer, I wrote a unique piece of sales copy for a client.

​​It was a video ad, telling a story over 3 or 4 minutes, using stock footage and text overlays. The goal was to have this run on Facebook and then link to an advertorial and then an order page.

The product in question was “eco-friendly bags” — basically, reusable produce bags to replace the ones you get at the store. People are crazy about the dangers of plastics these days, so I wrote up an inspirational story about how one brilliant inventor saw the need to help the planet and presto, eco-friendly bags.

Anyways, about a week ago, I remembered this project. And I followed up with the client to see how the video ad performed.

​​Here’s what he wrote back:

“We unfortunately ran into some issues with that product – Facebook now flags and doesn’t allow ads that address political or social issues. Since the ad talked about pollution / the environment it was, unfortunately, flagged.”

Wow. It didn’t even occur to me that talking about pollution or dead seagulls could be a compliance issue. Sure, I heard from many different sides that FB is cracking down on ads. This summer seemed to be the high point. Anything that looks ugly, scary, or is too full of hype couldn’t run. But I guess “social issue” ads became a problem also.

That’s rough. Things are getting really strict out there…

​Or are they?

Because let me tell you a second FB ads story:

A few days ago, I saw an ad, written in English (I live in Croatia), featuring some Croatian celebrity, with a classic clickbait headline along the lines of, “He went on TV to reveal how anyone can make 54,319.44 Croatian Kuna in just minutes — and it’s got the National Bank terrified!” The actual advertorial page promoted some Bitcoin trading platform.

Several other versions of this ad, run by other FB pages, also appeared on my feed that same day, and for several days after. There were dozens of comments on each ad. Some were by people simply talking about the Croatian celebrity (“what does this moron know about making money”) while a few pointed out this is clearly a scam.

And here’s the staggering thing:

​​All of these ads had been running for several weeks. It got so bad that the Croatian celebrity gave a newspaper interview to explain he has nothing to do with this Bitcoin scam. Nonetheless, the ad continues to run, in various iterations, right there on Facebook.
​
I think this is a sign of things to come.

Over the past couple of years, Facebook has made a show at regulating ads. And it will probably continue to censor ads that push certain hot buttons or that target certain markets.

​​But the moment has passed. Nobody expects any integrity or accountability from Facebook any more. And at the same time, scammers as well as more legitimate businesses figured out how to run edgy FB ads, or downright duplicitous FB ads.

As this year wraps up and we enter the glorious 2020’s decade, I expect this will continue and intensify. And if I’m right, this means we’re all in for a wild show.

Murder on the sales page

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I started reading Murder at the Vicarage a few days ago. It’s written by Agatha Christie, the first of 18 Miss Marple books.

The story starts out with the middle-aged vicar and his much younger, chatterbox wife. They’re having a discussion at breakfast. Then some guests arrive. There’s more talking. There’s a quick location change to the den, and other characters come in. More talking, some gossiping.

This goes on. There’s characters, light dialogue, then more characters. 20 pages in, and there’s still no murder, not even a darkening on the horizon. And yet, I keep reading, like millions before me.

Why?

I guess a couple or three reasons:

1) There’s the promise of a murder mystery. It’s right there on the front page, in the title of the book.

2) It’s all written in an easy, fun, and yet clever way.

3) It’s got something that I, and all other people, want to hear more about. In this case, that’s human faces, and the unique quirks behind them.

Maybe you won’t agree with me, but I think you can apply all 3 of these points to sales copywriting as well. 1) and 2) are pretty obvious, in terms of how you can port them from Agatha Christie to a sales message. Although it might be surprising,  you can also port the tabloid appeal of 3) to a sales message directly.

For example, there’s this giant promotion written by Dan Ferrari. It has the headline,

“The Stars of Silicon Valley and Hollywood are using this ‘Millionaire’s Secret’ to Look, Move, and Feel Like They’re Aging in Reverse”

The lead paints a scene, involving Goldie Hawn, Sergey Brin, and Moby, all lounging around a cliffside Los Angeles mansion, listening with rapt attention to the talk of a mysterious doctor who is revealing the secret of eternal youth.

And you know what? This promotion killed. It literally tripled the response compared to the previous control (and this promo is for Green Valley, an established direct response company, so the previous control was certainly solid). The end result was that the company ran out of inventory and had to stop running the promo until they could restock. I think that qualifies as murder on the sales page.

What’s that?

You want a light and breezy mystery for your Tuesday evening?

​​And you’re tired of Miss Marple?

Say no more. I got you. Check out this million-dollar Dan Ferrari page-turner instead:

https://greenvalleynaturalsolutions.com/GEN/CA/Genesis-B-telos95.php

Halfway-there copywriting and how to fix it

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Today I want to quickly point out an insidious copywriting mistake which affects newbies — and experienced copywriters alike.

To set it up, let me bring back an email I received yesterday from from Chris Masterjohn, PhD. The subject line read:

“I’m now *giving away* my affiliate commissions… to YOU!”

Huh? When this email first appeared in my inbox, I ignored it. When I finally gave it a skim, this “commissions” idea just left me confused.

That’s because this subject line, and the opening sentences of the email that follow, are a typical example of halfway-there copywriting. Here’s what I mean.

The first thing they will tell you about copywriting is, “Talk benefits. Explain to the reader what’s in it for him.” And that’s what Chris is trying to do with the subject line above.

The background is that Chris has a membership program. One of the perks of the program is that you can get discounts on various health products he recommends.

The trouble is, nobody will ever read Chris’s subject line and say,

“Oh I see where this is going. I buy those products that I want through Chris’s affiliate link. He of course gets an affiliate commission. He then refunds his affiliate commission to me, and I get the product at a discount! That’s great! Where do I sign up?”

Nobody will ever say that, because it’s far from obvious.

The copy is to blame for this. But just so we’re clear, I’m not pointing fingers at Chris. He’s not a pro copywriter. And like I said, this is a mistake that happens even to the pros.

For example, one of the most revealing things I’ve learned since starting to work with my copywriting coach is just how common this issue is even in my own copy.

You think you’re telling the reader what he wants to hear. But you’re still far away from it. You’re too much into the product… into the mechanism… into the brilliant story you’re telling… into your own goals.

The result is that you say something “halfway there”. You’re sure the reader will be able to make the leap and grasp the significance… but you’re wrong.

The reader will be left confused. He’ll walk away. And you’ll lose the sale.

One easy way out from this sad fate is simply to have another person read your copy. A fresh set of eyes can spot these mistakes.

But there’s also a mechanical fix: Just use the phrase “so you can…”

“I’m giving away my affiliate commissions… so you can buy your favorite health products at a discount… so you can save $33 on your next 200 lbs. purchase of grass-fed beef liver.”

I think you get the idea. ​​And of course, if you’re crammed for space, just strip away some of the less compelling stuff at the start. So you can have a crisp and effective subject line. So you can get people to read about your great offer. So you can make filthy heaps of money. So you can come back here and tell me all about it.

A creative way to justify a continuity product

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I wanna quickly dissect an email I got today from one Chris Masterjohn, PhD. Two reasons why:

1. It describes a creative offer that’s interesting if you’re into marketing

2. It offers a lesson in halfway-there copywriting

First, a tiny spec of background. Over the past 10 years, I’ve spent a lot of time reading alternative medicine sites, both for work and for my own own hypochondriac reasons. I’ve become jaded and skeptical because most of them are junk, and because most of the “doctors” who promote them aren’t doctors at all, but chiropractors, podiatrists, or at best, English literature PhD’s.

But not Chris Masterjohn, PhD.

Chris is not a medical doctor but he has a legit doctorate — in Nutritional Sciences, from the University of Connecticut — and that’s relevant because he mostly talks about the latest science behind nutrition and healthy living. And these days, he’s one of the few people I read and trust when it comes to matters of, which vitamin, which diet, etc.

So Chris Masterjohn, PhD sent out an email today to his list, and he announced an interesting offer:

If you’re part of his $15/month continuity program (monthly Zoom call + other stuff), and you buy any of the products that Chris endorses (supplements, mail-order beef, blue-blocking sunglasses), he will, via PayPal, refund you the affiliate commission he gets.

In other words, his continuity program acts like a discount club for the health-obsessed. If you’re already buying dung heaps of pills and powders and sleep optimization gadgets, you can now get between 5%-50% off their regular price, assuming you buy the ones that Chris recommends (and why wouldn’t you, since he’s smart and he digs through the research for you).

I thought this was a great idea. People love discount clubs to begin with. For the right kind of person, this can easily pay for the monthly subscription fee, even several times over. And even for the non-right type of person, it might be a sufficient reason to justify joining Chris’s continuity program.

In fact, I think that with a bit of massage, this discount club idea could be positioned as a standalone product. That might be something for you to think about, in case you’re looking for a continuity program to add on to your existing business.

But there was a second thing in Chris Masterjohn, PhD’s email, and that’s a copywriting lesson. But my one-track mind can’t handle that different direction today. So let’s talk about it tomorrow.

In the meantime, if you wanna save money on your Wild Salmon Subscription Boxes or your $600 chiliPAD, here’s where you can find Chris and his health-conscious Costo club:

https://chrismasterjohnphd.com/

An easy way to produce content without being creative or original

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I’m entering hour 72 of running various levels of high fever which means one thing:

My mind is empty and not in good shape to write my daily email.

“Wouldn’t it be nice,” I thought to myself, “if there were some easy way to create content that doesn’t require coming up with a new email idea?” Of course, I respect your time, dear reader, so whatever this easy way is, the result would still have to be interesting and valuable.

So there I was, burning feverishly, when almost by accident, I came across a blog post by Colin Theriot.

You might know Colin as the creator of the popular Cult of Copy Facebook group. What you might not know is that Colin regularly publishes articles on his site, and they are often interesting and motivational.

Well, today, Colin wrote something that was perfect for me.

It’s a way of producing content that doesn’t require you to say anything new or original, but still builds a good relationship with your audience, and gives them value, too. In fact, it’s probably the easiest way to create content. And yet, some big name influencers out there have created giant brands by doing this one thing alone.

Colin’s post explains it nicely and simply, and even gives you a 7-step checklist for how to produce this kind of innovation-free content. I think it’s worth looking at. If you want to give it a peek, here’s the link:

https://cultofcopy.com/creation-and-innovation-are-not-the-only-way-to-provide-value/

Midnight Run pattern interrupt

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“Did you ever have sex with an animal, Jack?”

I’ve been running a fever for the past 48 hours. So I decided to download a movie to make the time pass.

The movie is called Midnight Run, and it’s a 1980s comedy starring Robert De Niro and Charles Grodin. De Niro plays Jack Walsh, a bounty hunter who’s in charge of bringing in John “Duke” Mardukas, an accountant (played by Grodin) who stole $15 million from the mob.

At one point, Jack and the Duke are on a train. Jack decides he won’t talk to the Duke any more because it’s all business and because the Duke is annoying him.

It’s an awkward situation. Just silence in the air. And then, the Duke starts talking. But he’s not getting a response out of Jack. So he says:

“Did you ever have sex with an animal, Jack? Remember those chickens around the Indian reservation? There were some good-looking chickens there, Jack, you know, between us.”

Jack smiles.

“Yeah there were a couple there that I might have taken a shot at.”

And the next thing you know, the Duke and Jack are laughing and talking again.

That is an example of a pattern interrupt. In copywriting circles, this term is often used to describe a surprising first sentence to suck readers into the rest of your copy. But a pattern interrupt is something broader and more powerful.

It comes from NLP, or at least I think so, based on some Tony Robbins tapes I’m listening to. Says Tony, it’s easy to completely change how you think and feel, even about things that have been bothering you for years. All it takes are three steps:

First, you have to get leverage — in other words, you have to have a strong reason to want to change.

Second, you interrupt your current, negative pattern of thought or behavior by doing something unexpected.

Third, you create a new, more useful pattern for yourself.

It’s a simple process and useful if you’re trying to make yourself into a happier, more productive person. But it works just as well on other people as on yourself. So if somebody around you starts getting sucked into a negative pattern you don’t like, try asking them, for example, if they’ve ever had sex with an animal.

Blood-sucking Transylvanian copywriting secrets

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For the past week, I’ve been reading a book called The Land Beyond The Forest.

It was written in the late 19th century by a Scottish woman named Emily Gerard, who lived for a good part of her life in Transylvania (a section of today’s Romania). This book was one of the inspirations for Bram Stoker’s Dracula, which was published about 10 years after Gerard’s book.

Anyways, I came across the following passage in the book, which has a lot of value if you’re a copywriter — or just trying to craft sticky messages. Gerard’s writing is in italics and indented, my comments in regular font:

“As in Italy, the recitatore (story-teller), called here provestitore, holds an important place among the Roumanians.”

People love a good story, and they always will. That’s why you should use stories in copy whenever you can.

“The stories recited usually belong to the class of ogre and fairy tale, and would seem rather adapted to a nursery audience than to a circle of full-grown men and women.”

Parris Lampropoulos once said we all believe in magic. It can be overt like these Romanian peasants and their fairy tales… but it’s true even of nerdy and rational 21st century science buffs.

“Sometimes in verse, sometimes in prose, these stories oftenest set forth the adventures of some prince subjected to the cruel persecutions of a giant or sorcerer. The hero has usually a series of tasks allotted to him, or difficulties to be overcome, before he is permitted to enjoy his father’s throne in peace and lead home the beautiful princess to whom he is attached.”

A perfect 2-sentence summary of the hero’s journey, which is one good template you can use to tell a compelling story in copy.

“The tasks dealt out to him must be three at least, sometimes six, seven, nine, or twelve; but never more than this last number, which indeed is quite sufficient for the endurance even of a fairy prince.”

Same thing in copywriting. When you’re giving proof, arguments, or examples, it’s common and effective to give three of the bunch. Plus, if you swap out “task” and put in “bonus” or “premium,” you get the structure of a good offer.

“When the tasks are nine or twelve in number they are then grouped together in batches of three, each batch being finished off with some stereotyped phrase, such as, ‘But our hero’s trials were not yet over by any means, and much remains still to be told.'”

“But wait, there’s more!” Some phrases are so valuable that they keep surfacing across cultures, across media, and across centuries.

“As a matter of course, these trials must always be arranged crescendo, advancing in horror and difficulty towards the end.”

This reminds me of something I heard in a video by copywriter Kyle Milligan. Kyle quoted Agora Fiancial chief Joe Schriefer, who apparently says, “The magic show must always get better!” In other words, the proof must improve, and the results too.

And that, young Nosferatu, is the quote I wanted to share with you.

You probably know this already, but there are predictable ways to get into people’s heads and influence them. Direct marketing copywriters have figured out many of these tricks for themselves.

​​But if you look around, there are other disciplines, or even folk traditions, that can give you good ideas for how to craft sticky, influential messages. And this passage from Gerard’s blood-sucking Transylvanian book is just one good example of that.