The FTC strikes again

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A couple days ago, the news around the marketing and copywriting water cooler was that the FTC, the club-wielding government body in charge of stamping out deceptive and prohibited marketing practices, had sued several Agora companies.

Agora and its offshoots are some of the biggest players in direct response space, so this has the potential to be big news. Or not. But in any case, it got me curious about what the FTC is up to, so I signed up for their newsletter.

And only yesterday, while I was in the middle of hacking away at my current real estate VSL, I got an FTC email with the subject line, “Yet another real estate seminar scam.” The email reads:

“For the second time in about a month, the FTC sued a company that falsely promised it would show people how to earn money in real estate to get them to pay thousands of dollars for seminars. […] If someone says you can earn a lot of money on an investment with little or no risk, that’s probably a scam.”

So how does this affect the real estate promo I’m writing, which pretty much says you can make money in real estate with little or no risk, and also has an $1k+ upsell on the back end?

​​Well, I’ll tell you about that another day.

​​For now, I encourage you to head over to the FTC site and sign up for their newsletter. It’s entertaining reading, and might be a lifesaver if you’re doing work in edgy markets like bizopp, investing, or health.

Yet another clickbait subject line

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“I was furious…”

“Did you get a chance to see this?”

“I almost forgot to tell you!”

I’ve seen an uptick recently in flat-out clickbait subject lines like these. And by “clickbait,” I mean subject lines that have little (or nothing) to do with the actual content of the email. They are simply tacked on as an afterthought, and could work just as well with any other content.

But what’s the problem? The more the merrier, right? People can’t read your message unless they click on it, and if a subject line gets them to click, then it’s done its job.

Perhaps. But like salt, curiosity rarely makes a filling meal on its own. That’s not my conclusion. Instead, it comes from one of the greatest copywriters of the last century, John Caples, who wrote about headlines:

“Avoid headlines that merely provoke curiosity. Curiosity combined with news or self-interest is an excellent aid to the pulling power of your headline, but curiosity by itself is seldom enough. This fundamental rule is violated more often than any other.”

And then then we get to the very other extreme. You might call this “the fewer the merrier.” It’s an idea promoted by the likes of marketing expert Travis Sago, who has made himself and his clients millions of dollars, often solely through email. Travis advises that you “write your subject lines like you have to pay for every open.”

So what to do? Who’s right?

Well, I think there’s actually no single right answer. There might be situations where clickbait headlines (“Whoa!”) make sense and make sales. Cold emails to businesses might be one example. Personally, I don’t like these kinds of subject lines, but that’s just a matter of artisanal pride.

I also think that if you’re looking to play the long game with your marketing, meaning you want an ongoing relationship with your readers, then it makes sense not to piss those readers off. Will they click on your email and feel like they’ve been scammed into reading something irrelevant? Then maybe it’s time to consider making your subject line less clickbaity, more transparent, and more specific.

Averting the condom catastrophe

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A few months back, I was driving on the highway when I realized I’d seen the same billboard over and over. I forget exactly what it said, but it was along the lines of,

“It’s time for great HEX”

It turns out Hex is a new brand of condoms. They claim to be revolutionary and better than the status quo.

Now, maybe Hex condoms really are so good that they will spread by virtue of the product quality alone. That’s their best shot, because their marketing sucks.

Condoms suck in general, and you’ve already got a bunch of brands out there. Trojan and Durex are the default, depending on where you live. Then there’s Magnum for the talented guys, as well as a bunch of alternate no-name brands you might pick up in a convenience store at 2am.

So there’s no place for Hex — unless they find one for themselves through clever positioning.

Maybe they could try to be the “Apple of condoms”… or the condom what women prefer… or the condom for the climate-conscious. But all those ideas are contrived. The real place to look for positioning is in the market.

And if you do any reading about the, ahem, male performance market, which I’ve done plenty of, you will see that most men do not complain that their condoms aren’t classy enough… or that they turn women off… or that seagulls are choking on runaway rubbers.

But there is something that many men do complain about.

Fact is, there’s a significant group of men who simply lose their erection once the condom comes on.

So maybe Hex could target the guys with poor blood flow. “Hex, the condom for pre-diabetics and others who want to avert the condom catastrophe.” Hex could even copy one of the most successful positioning campaigns of all time and say,

“Hex is only no. 4 in condoms. So why go with us? We make you harder.”

Now that’s a campaign I’d like to see as I’m driving on the highway next summer. Maybe I’ll write to the CEO of LELO, the company that produces Hex, and suggest it.

The fact is, long gone are the days when you could simply say, “New product! Why don’t you try it?”

If you are promoting something, you need a new mechanism into the mind. And often, that’s not found in the product itself. Keep this idea in your own mind, and you’ll have a much better shot at success, whether you’re promoting your own condom brand or something less shocking.

Roast me

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Every few days, a “Roast me” post appears on the front page of Reddit, and it never ceases to amaze me.

If you don’t know the “Roast me” concept, let me explain. A person takes a selfie, posts it on the r/RoastMe subreddit, and then hundreds or thousands of internet strangers compete to come up with the most creative and hurtful ways to insult this person, based on the selfie alone.

I’ve stopped looking at these posts. I’m so insecure personally that I get vicariously uncomfortable even while reading about other people being humiliated.

It boggles my mind. Why would anybody want to get roasted? According to my calculations, you can’t win anything except for a nervous tick. But you can certainly lose any self-acceptance you managed to scrape together over the past half-dozen years.

And yet, day after day, people keep going on r/RoastMe and voluntarily getting their old wounds reopened, and new ones slashed in. And this brings up a very important point about human nature, and ties into something I wrote about yesterday:

The fact is, people only ever do things for a reason.

Of course that’s true for everyday “normal” behavior. But it’s equally true for every stupid or self-defeating or incongruous thing that people do.

Unless somebody is schizophrenic or completely psychotic, they will have a reason deep down for what they are doing. And that reason is not just that they are dumb or weak-willed or forgetful. No. They actually have a goal. And their seemingly nonsensical behavior is getting them there.

For example, one of the most fundamental human drives is the need for consistency. We have a mental model of how the world works, and we don’t want to see that mental model rocked or undermined.

So if somebody secretly believes that they are unattractive (and except for a few lucky narcissists, this includes all of us), what better way to get that confirmation than by having random Internet strangers mock your teeth, eyebrows, or breasts?

Similarly, another fundamental human drive is the need to be significant. To be noticed, relevant, unique. And if you’re not getting that need fulfilled in real life, if people are simply passing you by and not taking notice of you, well, there’s a home for you on r/RoastMe. For the low price of your self-respect, you can get the momentary attention of hundreds of thousands or maybe even millions of people.

If you’re looking to persuade people, you’ll have to start looking out for stuff like this. Because it’s not intuitive. ​​Like I said, even though I know people only do things for a reason, I’m still amazed each time I see a new trending r/Roast me post.

​​I would never do that. And so please don’t write to roast me. But if you want to say something flattering, then definitely send me an email.

Don’t play it again, Sam

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“Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world,” says Rick while looking into his glass, “she walks into mine.”

Rick’s piano player Sam is there in the back of the darkened room, softly rolling out some hokey-pokey tune.

“What’s that you’re playing?” Ricks asks him.

“Just a little something of my own,” says Sam over his shoulder.

“Well stop it,” Rick tells him. “You know what I wanna hear. You played it for her, you can play it for me.”

Sam stops playing. He turns around carefully. “Oh, I don’t think I can remember.”

“If she can stand it, I can,” barks Rick. “PLAY IT!”

You probably recognize this as one of the most dramatic of all the scenes from all the films in all the Hollywood. It’s from Casablanca, and it’s one of a couple of scenes that gets close to using the famous line “Play it again, Sam,” which doesn’t actually appear anywhere in the movie.

To my mind, this scene is a great illustration of 1) an important point about writing and 2) something more.

The writing bit is something that I read in a New Yorker article about big-name playwright, director, and screenwriter David Mamet. Mamet has written movies like “Glengarry Glenn Ross” (“Always be closing”) as well as The Spanish Prisoner, Wag the Dog, Ronin, and a bunch more. Anyways, here’s the Mamet quote I read today:

“The main question in drama, the way I was taught, is always what does the protagonist want… Do we see the protagonist’s wishes fulfilled or absolutely frustrated? That’s the structure of drama… People only speak to get something… They may use a language that seems revealing, but if so, it’s just coincidence, because what they’re trying to do is accomplish an objective.”

You can definitely see the protagonist’s “absolutely frustrated” wishes in the Casablanca scene. A few indirect words, mostly about what song to play, reveal the desperate psychological setup of Rick’s character in that moment.

You want to show, not tell. And you want to make the dialog about what the protagonist wants, whether he’s getting it or not.

That covers the first half of the Mamet quote above.

But like I said, there’s something more in that Casablanca scene and in that Mamet quote. It has to do with a really fundamental truth about human psychology. And it’s very useful to know if you are ever looking to influence people, or to understand them better.

But I can’t talk about this second thing today. Because I have a rule, “One post, one topic.” However, read my post tomorrow, and I’ll tell you all about this fundamental truth about the human mind, and how it fits into the Casablanca scene above.

Money don’t love Spruce Goose

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On a beautiful day exactly 72 years ago, Howard Hughes put down the telephone and took hold of the controls.

He was piloting the largest flying boat ever built.

I’m talking about the Hughes H-4 Hercules, aka the Spruce Goose.

In spite of the nickname, The Goose was mostly birch. That didn’t stop it from being enormously expensive for the time, and with good reason. As Hughes put it:

“It is over five stories tall with a wingspan longer than a football field. That’s more than a city block. Now, I put the sweat of my life into this thing. I have my reputation all rolled up in it and I have stated several times that if it’s a failure, I’ll probably leave this country and never come back. And I mean it.”

Well, I guess Hughes didn’t mean it all that seriously. Because he didn’t leave the country, even though, by all practical measures, the Goose turned out to be a failure.

After all, once Hughes lifted The Goose above the sparkling waters off Long Beach, CA, it flew for less than a minute, for less than a mile.

That was its one and only flight.

And even this one lousy flight came well after the end of World War II, even though The Goose was designed to be a war transport plane, and even though the whole point of building The Goose out of spruce (or birch) was the wartime restriction on materials such as aluminum.

So yeah, the Spruce Goose remains a great illustration of a massive, optimistic, and very impractical and useless project.

The point being, don’t be like Howard Hughes.

Because money don’t love Spruce Goose.

Money loves speed.

(I’ve tried to track down who coined that saying, but I don’t have a definitive answer. The farthest back I’ve been able to go is to direct marketer Joe Vitale, who is mentioned in Mark Ford’s Ready Fire Aim as promoting the idea that fast is more profitable than perfect.)

Of course, I’m not saying to cut corners and be sloppy in your work.

​​But if you put the sweat of your life into one project, and roll up your whole reputation into one thing, odds are you’ll wind up with a multi-million dollar goose on your hands. And the bitch won’t even fly.

Miracle Max’s copywriting masterclass

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There’s a scene in The Princess Bride that’s very instructive for copywriters.

(If you haven’t seen the movie, go and watch it. It’s wonderful.)

Anyways, the scene is set in the hovel of Miracle Max, a miracle man who can bring people back from the dead.

And that’s why the main hero, Westley, is lying there dead on Miracle Max’s table.

But Max isn’t convinced he should bring Westley back to life.

So he takes a magical bellows, sticks it Westley’s mouth, and puffs some air into Westley’s dead body.

“Heey? Hello in there?” Max yells at Westley’s corpse. “What’s so important? Whatcha got here that’s worth living for?”

He then presses down on Westley’s chest. And out comes the response:

“TR…OOOOO…LUV…”

I thought of this scene today because I got some feedback from my copywriting coach.

He said my copy needed to be more theatrical.

More dramatic.

More “spicy.”

But how do you copy spicy?

Well, one option is to raise the stakes.

Or like William Goldman, the author of The Princess Bride, puts it,

“Fencing. Fighting. Torture. Love. Hate. Revenge. Giants. Beasts of all natures and descriptions. Truths. Passion. Miracles.”

Of course, you shouldn’t literally add fencing and giants and torture into your copy.

But if you keep these Goldman ideas in mind, you’ll find the equivalent stories in your prospect’s life… or in the back story of your guru… or in what your competition is doing.

Just make sure you write clearly so your prospects can understand you.

Because (as you can see at the end of the Miracle Max scene in the Princess Bride) “TR…OOOOO…LUV…” can be misheard as “to blave,” which as everybody knows, means, “to bluff.”

And nobdoy’s gonna do what you ask them to do, if they think your only goal is to cheat them or make money at their expense.

A working witch’s broom for your Halloween?

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I read an article today about the scientific search for anti-gravity.

Anti-gravity is just what it sounds like:

A mysterious force that fights gravity and could be used by humans for levitating, sending slim jims into space, and possibly even saving suicidal walruses.

Before I lose you, let me say this article was completely serious, just like the search for anti-gravity.

In fact, some very smart and successful scientists, working around the middle of the 20th century, and sponsored by the U.S. government, thought that the discovery of anti-gravity was imminent. One such scientist, by the name of George S. Trimble, had this to say:

“I think we could do the job in about the time that it actually required to build the first atom bomb if enough trained scientific brainpower simultaneously began thinking about and working towards a solution. Actually, the biggest deterrent to scientific progress is a refusal of some people, including scientists, to believe that things which seem amazing can really happen…”

I bring this up because it’s Halloween today.

Imagine if Trimble and his colleagues had succeeded. Today we might have real-life witch’s brooms, which you could hop on and fly around from door to door, trick or treating.

Now maybe this whole thing sounds outlandish to you. And that’s kind of the point.

Because the fact is, we have lots of really outlandish technologies out there, but we take them for granted.

Have you heard of CRISPR, which can turn an elephant into a frog?

Or of quantum computing, where a mystery box spits out answers that no normal computer could ever calculate?

Or even something mundane like your cell phone, which allows you to receive cat memes and pictures of lattes that your friends are drinking right now, through some spooky jiggling at the atomic level?

We accept all of these technologies and we believe that they’re true.

But anti-gravity?

Come on, get real.

And this has real implications for direct response copywriting.

Because if you’ve got some breakthrough new solution, people might be intrigued, but they will quickly get skeptical as well.

For example, I’m writing a VSL right now to promote a system for making money in real estate…

Without owning any property, without taking out any loans, and without investing any money, yours or other people’s.

Sounds too good to be true, right?

And yet it’s real and it’s legit.

The question then becomes how to convince people of it. And the answer might be something else I found in the anti-gravity article, this time from physics professor Louis Witten:

“Some of them were very simple ideas. The simple ideas are always hard to combat. Suppose somebody comes to you and says ‘I have a rock of bismuth that demonstrates anti-gravity.’ What do you do?”

Keep this in mind if you’re writing your own VSLs. And if you’re not interested in writing VSLs, but you are interested in writing advertorials, then you might get a Halloween trick or treat by looking here:

https://bejakovic.com/advertorials/

Rough and smooth copywriting sandpaper

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I believe it was Michelangelo who wrote:

“Every block of stone has a statue inside it and it is the task of the sculptor to discover it.”

Similarly, every hairball of a first draft has a good piece of copy inside it. And it is the task of the copywriter to discover it.

Perhaps you think it’s grandiose to compare copywriting to fine art?

You’re probably right. But the fact remains, I’m currently writing the first draft of a video sales letter, and it is far from fine.

No matter. Because as soon as I wrap up this first draft, hopefully tonight, I will start to polish it. I’ve even got 7 separate grades of sandpaper of varying smoothity, which should help me discover that good piece of copy hiding inside.

#1. Tidbit sandpaper

With this sandpaper, I make a new loop through all my notes. Product research, customer research, testimonials… And I note good tidbits that I haven’t yet included in the sales letter. These tidbits could just be a good phrase, or a convincing argument, or anything. When I’ve made this list of tidbits, I go in, and I squeeze each one into my copy at some point.

#2. Vision sandpaper

Show, don’t tell. So “Jack was starting to give into the pressure” becomes…

“Jack was pounding away at an old typewriter. He had already typed up hundreds of pages, and each one repeated the same phrase over and over. ‘All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.'”

#3. Grasp-the-advantage sandpaper

This is a must for good copy, and it comes from Victor Schwab’s book, How to Write a Good Advertisement. Throughout the copy, make sure you are bringing it back to the prospect, and making it clear why this matters to him.

“Our real estate investing system gets you all the hot leads you can handle for free.”

Yeah, so what?

“So you don’t have to spend any of your own money.”

Yeah, so what?

“So you can get started even if you’re dead broke right now.”

Hmmm…

#4. Midge sandpaper

Master copywriter David Deutsch has this thing he calls, “Hey Midge.” Basically, the copy should sound like something a guy would say to his wife (Midge?). In other words, this is where you focus on writing to just one person, your ideal avatar.

#5. Dumb sandpaper

There’s a website out there called the Hemingway Editor. You paste your copy in, and it tells you the reading level. It also tells you how to lower the reading level. I aim for grade 6.

#6. Intense sandpaper

David Garfinkel said on a recent episode of the Copywriters Podcast that the way to make copy “intense” is to write long copy, and then cut it down. So when I finish all the other steps above, I trim down my copy by 10%. I start by cutting out worthless adjectives and adverbs. Next are the complicated phrases that could be simpler. And then I will take out entire sentences or even paragraphs to meet my 10% quota.

#7. Boron sandpaper

I don’t know if Gary Halbert was the first to suggest reading your copy out loud. But his Boron Letters was the first place I saw this advice. And I still stick to it.

So there you go. Hopefully it can help you if you’ve got a hairball on your hands as well.

And if you need more ideas for pre-processing and post-processing your copy, maybe you will find some help here:

https://bejakovic.com/advertorials/

Marketing devil-inspired price negotiation tactics

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A girl I met this summer wrote me yesterday to ask for advice on pricing a copywriting project:

“Wassup busy bee? 🙂 i need professional advice. How much should i ask to write anarchist articles for commercial purposes (meaning to sell t-shirts) :))? Is 100 dollars per 500+ words too much or fair? How much would u ask for?”

Anarchist articles?

To sell t-shirts?

At $100 for 500 words?

That’s not the pond that I play in.

Because I made a deal with the marketing devil a long time ago.

Yes, I sold my soul to him. In exchange, I get a series of ever-higher-paying contracts, working on ever-more interesting projects.

So the particular rates I would charge at this moment are really no use to this girl, or to you in case you’re wondering what you should be charging for your work.

But I told her something that the marketing devil taught me. And you might find it useful as well.

It’s a super simple price negotiation tactic. It works 100% of the time to get you an outcome you can be happy with. And it goes like this:

1. Ask yourself, “How much would it take to honestly make this worthwhile for me?”
2. Make your potential client this offer.
3. If it works for them, great. If not, or if they try to haggle with you, tell them, “Thanks, but it’s not right for me.”

But maybe I hear you complaining, “This isn’t negotiation at all!”

And it’s certainly not the kind of nickel-and-diming, car-lot tactics you can read about in hundreds of Medium listicles. But like legendary copywriter and entrepreneur Mark Ford wrote recently:

“The difference depends on understanding that in business there are two fundamentally different kinds of negotiation: transactional and relational.”

In other words, if you use my simple devil-inspired price negotiation tactic, and you end up doing business with this client, you’re on good footing to form a long-term relationship that both sides are happy with.

And if you don’t end up doing business with them, for whatever reason (they can’t afford you, or they don’t value you enough, or they are simply lowballing jackasses), then you don’t really have a negotiation problem.

You have a lead generation problem. Which is another topic, for another day. For today, let me just say I solved my lead generation problem in the beginning by going where everybody says you shouldn’t go.

And that’s Upwork.

In case you want to see how I made very good money by dealing with quality clients that I actually landed on Upwork, then check out the following:

https://bejakovic.com/150-dollar-per-hour-freelancer