Troll Management

Impoverished wizard tries to sell me, a hobbit, on playing a game

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During the last crescent moon, before I had set out from the Shire on my great quest to the Western Isles, I, Bejako Baggins, was packing my traveling trunk full of cheeses and dried meats, when when an impoverished-looking wizard burst through the doors of my hobbit-hole and held his arms out as if to beg me to hear him out.

I stared at this wizard, both because he had just barged into my hobbit hole, and because he seemed somehow familiar.

And sure enough, I knew him.

This wizard had already burst through my doors once. But back then, his peak hat wasn’t squashed like now, and his cloak wasn’t torn at the sleeve.

Back then, this wizard offered me advice about my circular letter. I had even written about him before, in a letter that became one of my most popular of the past year.

Now the wizard was back, just looking a little beat up. He stood by the door, his arms still up in the air. And he spoke in a deep but cracking voice:

===

Bejako Baggins!

I have a proposition for you mate

Don’t turn me to a troll again in one of your circular letters this time!

What do you think of framing the writing of magical sales spells as a Game then creating a ware to teach its principles and rules.

Basically something in those lines:

“You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to play better than anyone else.”

===

The impoverished wizard went on to say how he even had a good name in mind for such a ware. “Let me know what you think mate,” he said.​
​​​
I frowned. I genuinely couldn’t tell if this impoverished wizard was trying to ask me an honest question, or if he was in fact using whatever wizarding skill he had to turn himself into a troll.

In any case, I stepped away from my trunk, and I escorted him to the door.

I told him his idea is marvelous.

We hobbits love games, and we also love learning magical spells.

That’s why, many years ago, I did exactly what he is suggesting now.

I read through many ancient books. I collected hundreds of powerful written sales spells in a great leather-bound tome. I called this tome Copy Riddles. And I turned it into a Game.

I was even fortunate enough to get one of the great wizards of this age, Daniel Throssell the White, to say that Copy Riddles “the most brilliant course concept I’ve ever seen… literally a gamified series of sequential puzzles that teaches you written sales magic.”

If you’d like to find out more about this Game that teaches you how to turn plain written words into magical spells:

https://bejakovic.com/cr/

Going ape for agree and amplify

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I’m working on my new 10 Commandments book and that means I’m reaching deep into my journal and processing all the research I’ve collected.

That’s how I came across a great marketing story I should have already used for an email.

This story involves famous ad man George Lois, somebody I’ve already written about in this newsletter.

Lois was a master of dramatization.

Back in 1960 or so, Lois was tasked with creating a commercial for the new Xerox 914 photocopier. The USP was Xerox’s new technology, which used plain paper for printing and made the photocopier easy to use, unlike the steam locomotives that were used until then.

Lois decided to dramatize Xerox’s ease of use by showing a little girl — his own daughter Debbie — using the Xerox 914 to make a photocopy of her doll.

Sure enough, the commercial showed Debbie skipping over to the Xerox machine and pushing two buttons. Out came a photocopy.

Overnight, Xerox became a sensation. But competitors were furious. No photocopier could be that easy to use! They filed complaints with the FCC for deceptive advertising.

When Lois was told of this, he nodded his head and said, “Yes, yes, you’re absolutely right… it was wrong of us to use a little girl to show how easy this machine is to use… we should have used a stupid ape!”

So Lois reshot the commercial, this time with a chimp in place of Debbie, and with officials from the FCC to watch as the chimp made its photocopy, all in one take.

Following this, Xerox became the biggest photocopier company, a huge tech behemoth for decades. They funded research that changed the modern tech landscape (they invented windows, the mouse, laser printers). And then they let Apple and Microsoft eat its lunch.

But! The point of this email is not Xerox’s business incompetence, but George Lois’s advertising competence.

More specifically, the point of this email is the power of agreeing and amplifying — chimp instead of girl — whenever anybody attacks or challenges or even mocks you.

And now I’d like to tell you about my Simple Money Emails training.

This training makes it so easy to write sales emails that even a little girl could do it.

I really hope somebody will challenge me on that, because I have video recordings of an ape that does it as well.

For more information:

https://bejakovic.com/sme/

Zero-handclap unsubscriber yawns at my emails

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Another day, another unhappy unsubscriber firing a parting shot.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve written a few emails featuring messages that former readers leave on that default “what made you unsubscribe” screen.

Most people never write anything, but on rare occasion, I find funny f-yous. And since I’ve been featuring these messages in my emails, I’ve been getting them more often. Like the guy who unsubscribed a few days ago and wrote:

“Emails tend to be too long, clever, and polished. Not dangerous enough. Yawn”

I shrugged. It’s all true. All except the dangerous part.

My emails are exactly dangerous enough — for my own tastes. Because I write with myself in mind first and foremost. I write things that I would find interesting and valuable, and then do a final check to see whether this can potentially be interesting and valuable to others as well.

That means sometimes I have genuinely dangerous things to say. Most days I don’t, and I have no intention of forcing it to sound edgy or to entertain jaded readers.

I could and maybe should end this email right here. But I like to write long and polish up my emails, often with concrete examples.

So I went in search of this unsubscriber on the Internet. What kind of dangerous, unpolished, raw writing might he be into?

I was hoping I would find something I could set myself in opposition to, like a dull, stubborn turtle.

I typed his email address into Google and… up came his Medium blog. It’s been live for the past few months. It’s filled with listicles and how-to articles with headlines like:

“The Features-Advantages-Benefits Copywriting Formula”

“Core Principles Of Copywriting”

“The Four C’s Copywriting Formula”

Unsurprisingly, all these posts have zero engagement. No comments, not even any of those Medium handclaps, though from what I understand, the whole point of publishing on Medium rather than your own site is to get free readers to your content.

The fact is, this danger-seeking unsubscriber could benefit from my Simple Money Emails course.

Simple Money Emails doesn’t require writing long, and doesn’t require over-polishing. That’s entirely optional.

What’s not optional is creating interesting content that keeps people reading, engaging, and even buying, without heavy-handed teaching that doesn’t even get a stupid handclap on Medium.

What’s more, if you insist on hard teaching in your content, you can use the strategies I teach inside Simple Money Emails to liven up your boring listicles and how-to articles.

For more information, or to get the course, here’s the (beware) mildly dangerous sales page for Simple Money Emails:

https://bejakovic.com/sme

Matrix Denier rejoins my list and is promptly fired

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A couple days ago, I wrote an email in which I used the Matrix as a pop culture illustration. To which I got a reply from a guy who said, yea that’s great and all but “what if your reader hasn’t seen the movie and therefore doesn’t have a clue what the h*ll you’re talking about?”

A reasonable question… but something about the tone of it — it’s amazing how that comes through — made my terrier ears perk up.

I looked up this Matrix Denier to see if I’d had any previous email interactions with him.

And oh boy. Here’s the sorry story:

Two years ago, I ran a launch for my Copy Riddles program.

The Matrix Denier was signed up to my list at the time.

​​He replied on the last day of the launch to tell me that I name-drop famous copywriters a lot… that he wouldn’t be buying my course because my emails aren’t good enough to impress him… and that, rather than create my own offers, I should go back and study the work of people like Andre Chaperon and Ben Settle.

I shrugged, and I used this reply for a new email that I sent out to my list to promote my Copy Riddles course.

The Matrix Denier didn’t like this, and he wrote me in an offended and hurt tone to say so. Which I again turned into an email, and sent it out to my list as part of a sequence of emails about the different types of denial we all engage in.

This was the straw that broke the Denier’s back. He unsubscribed from my list, and as the reason why, he fired this farewell shot:

===​​

“You’re simply too dumb to be helped. I tried twice & you can’t tell the difference between a troll & someone with advice. Good luck. You’ll need it.”

===
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Like I said, now he’s back on my list. Well, he was, until yesterday, when I unsubscribed him. No sense in wasting perfectly good Matrix analogies on someone who would rather complain than go see a movie I specifically recommended as great marketing fodder.

The point of this being that a couple years have passed.

I’m still writing… my status in the industry has grown… and so has the number of people who recommend me and point new readers to my newsletter.

Meanwhile, I don’t know what the Matrix Denier has gained in those two years. Going by the tone of his replies, and by the fact he even took the time to write me, just so he could complain and say “But what about me?” makes me think he hasn’t gone far from where he was two years ago.

In other words, you might as well get going now.

Time passes unstoppably. It’s a trite observation, but that doesn’t make it any less true.

Whatever it is that you’re doing or want to do, if you start now, and start accumulating a bit of something valuable every day — whether of skills or money or subscribers — then you can be in much better position in a couple of years, while those around you are left standing still.

And on that note, my Copy Riddles was and remains a great program, the best thing I sell. If you’d like to find out more about it or use it to start accumulating your copywriting skills, starting today:

https://bejakovic.com/cr/

Hell has no fury like a wizard scorned

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My email yesterday about a needy blackbird drew a bunch of amused replies from people who enjoyed the story.

But it also resulted in an unsubscribe rate of 3x the usual.

That’s okay. In fact, it was kind of the point of the email.

However, among all those quiet unsubscribes, there was one that was more vocal. That more vocal unsubscriber reported my email yesterday as spam.

Spam = unsolicited and unwanted email sent out to an indiscriminate recipient list

That’s not something I do. I make sure my emails are solicited and wanted (the headline of my optin page says “Prepare to decide”). I certainly don’t want to waste my time or effort or email marketing tokens writing to an indiscriminate recipient list.

So I got curious who this spam-reporter was, and how he possibly got on my list.

I put in his email address into Gmail and what popped up was this:

===

That’s fucking hilarious… Great Email

Cheers

===

… which was a reply he sent me to an email I wrote in the character of Bejako Baggins, about a deliverability wizard who approached me out of the cold, only for me to guide him back to the door.

The fact is, the spam-reporter above was the actual deliverability wizard from that story. He had opted in to my list a few days before that email and had written me a flattering message about my emails, along with concern that they weren’t getting through to him quickly enough.

All that’s to say, in the words of William Congreve, heaven has no rage, nor hell a fury, like a wizard scorned.

Because wizards — and men and elves and hobbits also — get outraged and furious when they don’t get what they want. When they feel ignored or dismissed.

But what to do?

You can’t go through life doing what everybody else wants of you all the time.

That means you will inevitably face some rage and fury, and have to learn to shrug it off. It’s not always about you. Many times, it’s just about people not getting what they want.

Anyways, this being the last day of the year, I will link to that Bejako Baggins email. Multiple people have written me to say it was my most entertaining email of the year.

Starting tomorrow, I’ll work to beat it.

But if you want a quick and fantastical story for New Year’s Eve:

https://bejakovic.com/you-dont-want-to-sell-to-a-hobbit-like-me/

Who else wants to get kicked off my list?

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Yesterday, I sent out an email about how I recently created a joke payment plan for my Most Valuable Email course, and how I’ll soon increase the price of MVE from $100 to $297. The subject line read,

“They laughed when I created a payment plan, but when I jacked up the price…”

In case you’re entirely new to copywriting, that was a play on “They laughed when I sat down at the piano but when I started to play,” which is one of the most famous headlines of all time, written by John Caples in 1926.

A healthy number of people bought MVE from yesterday’s email. Some also wrote in to reply and say they thought the email was witty. And then one guy wrote in to say:

===

297 plus 3 payments of 1 dollar?

BTW, the subject line is a bit lame, don’t you think?

===

I raised my eyebrows a bit, paused for a moment. I then scrolled down to the bottom of the email, and clicked unsubscribe on behalf of this reader.

I don’t know whether his reply was a missed attempt at humor. I don’t know whether it was a genuine attempt at trolling me. I do know it was a distraction.

And it would have stayed just a distraction — but I would hate to allow myself to be just distracted. That’s why I decided to write an email out of it, and get some use out of this ex-subscriber, rather than simply allowing him to interrupt my morning.

Moving on:
​​
As you might recognize, my subject line today, “Who else wants to get kicked off my list,” is a play on another classic John Caples headline, “Who else wants a screen star figure?”

I’m not actually inviting trollish responses with that subject line. I like almost all of my readers, and I like having a pleasant rapport with my audience. That’s why the “lame subject line” guy is only the fourth person I’ve proactively unsubscribed from my list in 5 years of daily emailing.

But I do draw a line somewhere. I expect my readers to treat me well, because I treat them well.

Which brings me back to Most Valuable Email.

I have been selling MVE for a year for $100.

Over the past year, I’ve had many people tell me that’s a steal, and that I should raise my price.

And just in the past couple weeks, I’ve had a number of people I admire tell me the same. I will tell you about one such mysterious person in my next email.

Eventually, the message got through.

So I am raising my price for MVE, like I said, from $100 to $297.

I am also giving you fair notice about this change. You can still get MVE for $100 until Tuesday, August 22 (yes August, not July), at 8:31pm CET.

But why wait and risk missing out? You can laugh at deadline worries — if you follow this simple link:
​
https://bejakovic.com/mve/

I finally got my first 1-star review

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A few days ago, Amazon started showing Goodreads average ratings for books, right next to average Amazon ratings.

I know this because I have a book on Amazon, called 10 Commandments of A-List Copywriters. And every so often, I check how the book is doing.

The Amazon rating for my 10 Commandments book has held steady at an average 4.6 rating, based on 51 reviews. But thanks to the new change, I just found out my Goodreads rating is lower, just 4.45, based on 22 ratings.

I went to see what’s up.

It turns out I’ve gotten my first-ever 1-star review on Goodreads.

The review is written in Serbian, which once upon a time was the same language as my native Croatian. In other words, it’s a language I know quite well.

So here’s what that 1-star review says, as translated by BejakoGPT into English:

===

This book is more like a big ad for copywriters that the author chose as examples. It’s full of outdated tricks and the author openly praises several truly miserable writing tactics — for example, Sugarman’s tossing out a hook to readers about how a female client in a miniskirt came to see him, and he, poor guy, is married and is uncomfortable. And as for what happened next, you’ll find out if you keep reading. Seriously?

Besides this, the author is impressed how Gene Schwartz made a pile of money in the 1950s and bought a penthouse while writing ads for only 3 hours a day. Knock knock, 2022 is calling and it wants to know, are you for real?

Beyond that I won’t comment on the uncreative direct response tricks which were cheesy even in the 50s, I cringe at those texts. (“Did you catch that? We started out talking about clever ways doctors keep from getting the common cold. Now we’re talking about preventing cancer and Alzheimer’s. […] That’s a giant claim. Very likely, it would sound like hype if it came right in the headline. That’s why it takes an A-list copywriter like Parris to hold off on making this claim. He waits long enough that he can be sure his reader will believe him.” WHAT THE ACTUAL…)

===

“Seriously? Are you for real? WHAT THE ACTUAL…” To me those sound like the arguments of a 14-year-old, indignant about her 10pm curfew.

No sense in bickering with a teenager.

Fortunately, several adults have also read my book. Some of them have even written reviews. Right below the 1-star review by the 14-year-old, I got a 5-star review by an adult:

===

A great book for experienced copywriters who are looking for a quick refresher on the different styles with many examples from copywriting legends.

I’m subscribed to Bejakovic’s emails – and while I’ll admit I rarely check my inbox, I did happen to come across this one advertising this book, and I’m glad I did.

===

And right below that one, I got a 4-star review, also by an adult:

===

Short and very pertinent. Loaded with the names of hugely successful giants of the copywriting world and the titles of their successful books. I read the book on Kindle and highlighted many great bits of advice and the names of the great writers sharing advice. If you write ad copy for a living or hope to do so, buy this book.

===

Knock knock.

2023 is calling.

It wants to know, do you have a copy of my 10 Commandments book yet?

If you don’t, you can get one, and all the cheesy and outdated tricks inside it, at the link below:

https://bejakovic.com/10commandments

Bat-John: The Killing Joke

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Last night, Bat-John sat on his couch in shorts and a t-shirt, officially watching the penalty shootouts at the World Cup, but really, keeping an eye on the Bat-Fax for news of criminal activity in Gotham City.

Another slow night.

​​No Scarecrows or Penguins running amuck anywhere.

Instead, all that came through the Bat-Fax were letters from grateful citizens of Gotham:

“Subscribe For ‘LIFE’ please”

“You had me in stitches with this part”

“I was so tempted to reply to this with an off the wall rant — just for fun. But I’d rather remain subscribed…”

“Love your emails. But I must admit I have to read the ones you mentioned about the trolls.”

The background, in case you missed it, is that I wrote an email yesterday, modestly comparing myself to Batman.

​​My point was that it’s good for business if your readers see you scrapping each night with wacky costumed villains who lurk beneath the surface of your email list.

Unfortunately, that email didn’t provoke any of these wacky villains to pipe up.

But based on the replies I did get, my point stands. Create enemies, and people rally around you.

And since the Bat-Fax has been so quiet today, here’s some truly wacky news from outside Gotham City:

Have you heard of the violent coup d’etat attempt in Germany this past Wednesday?

The German police arrested some two dozen far-right terrorists, including a Russian national, who were planning to overthrow the German government and install 71-year-old Prince Heinrich XIII, a member of the royal House of Reuss, on the restored throne.

For months, these 25 terrorists had been making plans about the colors on their future flag… recruiting new members at RPG nights at the local comic-book store… gathering equipment, including thermal socks and cans of corn.

A press release from German’s federal public prosecutor explains what was going on in the heads of these terrorists:

“The accused are united by a deep rejection of the state institutions.”

Hm.

Could it be that the German government is trying to create its own villains out of thin air… as a way to get its citizens rallying around its state institutions?

Maybe you don’t think there’s anything there.

But maybe you are intrigued or at least entertained by the idea, now that I bring it up.

If so, you might want to know what just happened inside your head. It’s one of my 10 Commandments of A-list copywriters, Commandment V:

“Honor thy reader’s skepticism, and structure your ad accordingly.”

This particular commandment is by Gene Schwartz. It’s not about sophistication or awareness, two concepts that Gene is best known for.

Instead, this commandment is real A-list stuff. Few copywriters know it and even fewer follow it.

Ignore this commandment and all your case studies, testimonials, statistics, and other proof will be worthless. Follow it and the power of your proof will be amplified hundredfold.

In case you’re curious:

https://bejakovic.com/10commandments

“Unsubscribe please”

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Last night, following my “Buy my 10 Commandments book” email, a reader replied:

“Unsubscribe please”

I’ll admit it. This irritated me. I figured my reader was just too dumb to know how you unsubscribe from an email newsletter.

But then I had a hopeful thought.

Maybe my reader just wanted to show her displeasure at my grossly self-promotional, zero-value email?

When I checked ActiveCampaign, it turned out I was right. My reader had found the unsubscribe link and unsubscribed on her own. But as she was walking out the door, she just had to let me know about it.

This isn’t the only parting shot an unsubscribing reader has taken at me.

Last January, during a launch I was running, a troll wrote me and suggested I read up on copywriting fundamentals before promoting any more offers of my own.

To which, I wrote a newsletter email about his helpful suggestion.

The troll replied to that newsletter email in an offended tone.

So I wrote a second newsletter email about his offended tone.

At which point, the troll unsubscribed. In the “reason why” field you get when you unsubscribe, he wrote:

“You’re simply too dumb to be helped.I tried twice & you can’t tell the difference between a troll & someone with advice. Good luck. You’ll need it.”

I’m telling you all this because enemies are good for business. They’re so good that if you don’t have them, you have to make them up. Here’s America’s greatest living copywriter, Gary Bencivenga, on the matter:

“And if you can create an enemy in your copy, that’s what happens. You set up a three-point discussion and you come around from your side of the desk to be on the reader’s side of the desk and then it’s you and the reader against the enemy that you’re railing against.”

The trouble is, my emails are usually so placid and polite that I’ve been suffocating any potential enemies in the womb.

In that whole span from the guy back in January to the woman last night, I’ve gotten zero even mildly criminal replies to any of my emails.

I don’t know if it’s too late. I hope not.

There’s a theory that Gotham City is so full of wacky costumed villains simply because Batman is there. The villains watch the evening news, and see other criminals scrapping with Batman. They want a challenge also, and so they congregate on Gotham.

I’ll see whether writing about the “unsub plz” lady or the “you’re too dumb to be helped” troll will bring out any latent Scarecrows or Penguins on my list.

If they do come out, I’ll be sure to write an email and let you know about it.

In the meantime, let me promote something. That’s like lighting up the Bat-Signal in the night sky for making blood boil among wacky villains.

My offer for you today is my 10 Commandments of A-list Copywriters.

This little book features a commandment by Gary Bencivenga. Gary’s commandment is not about enemies. It’s both more fundamental and more powerful than that.

If you’d like to read it, here’s where to go…

https://bejakovic.com/10commandments

… and I’ll be back tomorrow, same Bat-time, same Bat-channel. ​​

Copy Riddles now open for yes-men, yes-women, and others

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“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth, even if it costs them their jobs.”
— Samuel Goldwyn

Today, I am reopening my Copy Riddles program for only the second time this year.

If you don’t know what Copy Riddles is about, you can read about it at the link at the end of this email.

Or you can just sit tight.

Because over the coming days, I will send you many emails, explaining what Copy Riddles is and why you might want to join.

I will start today, and I will only end on Sunday night at midnight PST, when the doors to the Copy Riddles theater will close again, to lock out any stragglers. The actual show will begin next Monday.

Now, in the parts of the direct response Internet that I haunt, it is customary to announce a heavy promotional campaign like this by saying something like:

“If you don’t like it, unsubscribe. Or just ignore my many emails until the storm passes. Or if you’re smart, follow along quietly, even if you have no intent to buy, because these emails make me a lot of money, and you might learn a thing or two.”

Predictably, sending out a message like this results in fewer spam complaints, a tighter bond with your list, and better behaved subscribers, who in time begin to border on yes-men, saying, “Yeah yeah, tell those people off in case they can’t appreciate effective marketing.”

But I don’t want any yes-men around me. Or yes-women.

I want everybody to tell me the truth, even if it costs them their spot on my email list.

So if any of my emails over the coming days rubs you the wrong way… or if you think I’m selling too hard, or I’m name-dropping too much, or I’m not giving sufficient value in my emails… or if the total tonnage of my promotional material just begins to annoy you by its weight… then make sure to write in and let me know.

I promise to read each suggestion and complaint, and to respond, perhaps even publicly.

So with that announcement done, let’s get this campaign started. Here’s the Copy Riddles promotional trailer, I mean, the text sales page, for your viewing and marketing pleasure:

https://copyriddles.com/