Email Marketing

Don’t rape your audience

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Today’s post is on the subject of email marketing, a rather milquetoast topic. The hook, though, is jarring — rape.

I didn’t think of that hook. Instead, it comes from William Goldman, somebody I’ve mentioned often in these emails.

Goldman was first a successful novelist and later a successful Hollywood screenwriter and then again a successful novelist.

Along the way, he also wrote a non-fiction book called Adventures in the Screen Trade. I’m reading it now. It’s a combination of memoir and an insider’s look into Hollywood, specifically as it was in the 60s and 70s of the last century.

Somewhere in the Adventures book, Goldman talks about the most important part of a screenplay — the beginning. And it’s here that he writes the following:

“In narrative writing of any sort, you must eventually seduce your audience. But seduce doesn’t mean rape.”

Specifically, Goldman is contrasting movie writing to TV writing. At the beginning of a movie, Goldman says, you have some time. You can seduce. Things are different in TV land — you gotta be aggressive, right in the first few seconds. Otherwise the viewer will simply change the channel.

I had never thought about this difference. But it makes sense. And it makes me think of…

Sales copy, which is definitely on the TV end of the seduction/rape spectrum. Just think of some famous opening lines of blockbuster VSLs:

“Talk dirty to me”

“We’re going to have to amputate your leg”

What about email copy? Much of it also opens up in the same aggressive way. Here are a few opening lines I just dug up from recent sales emails in my inbox:

“MaryAnne couldn’t take it anymore:”

“In 1981, a dirty magazine published an article that had the potential to make its readers filthy rich.”

I always assumed this is just the way good copy is — VSLs or emails or whatever. Of course, that’s not true.

When I actually look at some of my favorite newsletters (and even some successful sales letters), they don’t have an immediate and aggressive grabber. Instead, they build up and work their way into their point — without rambling, but without aggression either.

The difference comes down to the relationship you have with your list. Some businesses, including some businesses I’ve worked for, have little to no relationship with their list. Each email they send out is like a random infomercial popping up on TV — if it doesn’t capture attention right away, it never will.

But some businesses have a great relationship with their list. They can afford to take the time to light the candles and sip the wine and stare seductively at their reader across the table. In fact, if they didn’t, things would seem off.

Is it possible to go from one style of email marketing to the other?

I believe so. In my experience, people tend to mirror your own emotions and behavior. That means you’ll have to take the first step if you want things to change. Rather than waiting for your list to have a better relationship with you… start seducing, and stop trying to rape.

Now that we’ve warmed up the conversation:

I also have a daily email newsletter. You can subscribe for it here. And if you do subscribe, I promise to… well, I won’t go there.

Repealing prohibition on multiple daily emails

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Prohibition in the U.S. ended in 1933 with the repeal of 18th Amendment. After that, states could make their own laws about the sale of alcohol.

Some states couldn’t wait to get soused.

But others kept up with prohibition. Oklahoma, for example, kept going with prohibition until 1959.

Today, there are still over 500 “dry” municipalities across the U.S. One recent study even found that prohibition, horrendous as it sounds, might be a good idea. According to this study, crime went up by about 10% in areas that went from dry to wet.

The point being, just because you can stop, doesn’t mean you should. And I’m not talking about prohibition, see? I’m talking about marketing, specifically email marketing.

Over the last few years, it’s become commonplace for companies to send a daily email. But there’s nothing magic about the number one.

You can send your customers more than one email a day. For example, most Agora imprints send at least two emails each day, with one being mostly content and the other mostly promotion.

So two is ok. What about more?

Email marketing guru Ben Settle combines his content and promotion in each email. That’s why he can get away with sending, for example, five emails this past Monday, and over 10 over a recent 3-day promo window.

Old direct marketing wisdom says to keep repeating something until it becomes unprofitable.

Of course, too many emails can become unprofitable. Maybe you do burn out your list after a time. More likely, you get to a point you’re better off spending your time doing something else than writing an additional email — perhaps working on building your list, or creating a new offer.

But most businesses never get to that point of declining email profits. Maybe your business is one of them. In that case, it might be time to start writing an additional daily email — and getting sloshed on all those extra profits.

Of course, this all assumes you make money from your daily emails. I don’t. That’s why I only send one a day. It usually has to do with marketing or copywriting, like what you just read. If you’d like to get my one daily email as it comes out, here’s where to go.

Higher open rates = lower sales?

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“They like to talk to salesmen, something. They’re lonely. I don’t know. They like to feel superior. Never bought a fucking thing.”
David Mamet, Glengarry Glen Ross

I’ve been writing a lot of emails in the ecommerce space lately. This is for a client who’s constantly launching new products.

A few days ago, the client wrote me with a question:

“I’m curious with all the recent launches, which have looked most promising from an open rate and revenue standpoint?”

I could tell him right away which of the products were most successful in terms of revenue. But I wasn’t sure about open rates. So I decided to dig into the data.

It turns out the relationship between open rates and sales in our case has been negative. In other words, the more people opened up our emails, the less money we made. I even ran a little regression on it. On average, each extra percent of opens cost us $100 worth of sales.

How could that be?

Well, for one thing, we keep promoting different products, and at different price points. Higher-priced products might have less overall interest, but can result in more sales.

But there are other possible explanations, too.

For example, different subject lines will select for different segments of the market.

Maybe one subject line gets you a lot of opens. But like in that Glengarry Glen Ross scene above, maybe you’re just reaching a bunch of bored leads, who like to click on sensationalist ads, and who have no intention of buying anything.

Whatever the explanation is, the message is clear:

All those millions of blog posts by email marketing experts telling you how to increase your open rates could actually be hurting your sales.

A. B. C.

Always be checking your sales numbers. Sales numbers are for closers. Open rates? They’re for bums.

Speaking of open rates, I write a daily email newsletter with very high open rates. If you’d like to get on it so you can bring those numbers down, here’s where to subscribe.

Teaching emails that make sales

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I talked to my aunt last night. She’s a kindergarten teacher, and she mentioned that she’s going back to work corralling screaming 5-year-olds.

I haven’t been following the local corona news, so this was a surprise to me.

Sure enough, starting next week, all kids up to grade 4 will be back in classrooms throughout Croatia. “Enough is enough,” frustrated parents must have been saying, and the government eventually caved in.

But here’s the thing that got me wondering:

If spending each day with your kids at home gets tiring for the majority of parents… can you imagine how tiring a teacher’s job must be?

Not one kid… not two… but 25 or more? And not for the next few years until your kids become more independent… but for life, each year the same thing?

And on top of this, teachers don’t even get paid well.

I think it was Matt Furey who first brought this fact up in connection with marketing. He used the fact that teachers don’t make any money to warn against over-teaching in your emails.

Instead, Matt’s advice was to motivate, inspire, and entertain.

I can definitely agree with this. But I would add that teaching can work and it can work well.

The key though is to educate your prospect about his problem, and the specific nuances of why he hasn’t been able to solve it so far.

In other words, don’t tell your prospect HOW to solve his problem… tell him WHY he hasn’t been able to solve it until now.

And then of course, you still have to do some selling. But if you’ve done the teaching bit right… the selling should be easy, because your solution will fit like a hand into your prospect’s problem glove.

I realize I’m contradicting my own advice with the past few sentences. That’s why this email won’t make any money. Not a noble thing, if you ask me. Hopefully, you will be smarter and more disciplined about spilling your teaching — and doing some selling – in your own emails.

How to blend SEO and daily emails

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For the past yea​r and a half, after writing a daily email to my list, I’ve been going on this site and pasting up the email content as a blog post. ​​There are over 420 such posts by now.

These posts don’t have much value to me. Google doesn’t send truckloads of traffic to them… and the readers who do stumble in are very particular (mostly, they wanna read about Tom Selleck and his non-existent boner pill, as advertised in Newsmax, which I wrote about last February).

So from now on, I will try something different:

It’s a combination of what I was doing until now (pasting up emails as blog posts) and standard SEO (writing 2k-word articles and kowtowing to Google, which I don’t have the time or drive to do).

​​If you’re curious about how this will look, just sit tight. I’ll have the first of these “new SEO” posts ready in a couple of days, and I’ll share it with you then.

In the meantime…

My point is not just to announce that my website will soon look different (you probably don’t care). But I think this merger of SEO/daily emails is an illustration about something you might find valuable.

I’m talking about a fundamental insight about how to come up with new ideas, approaches, and solutions. You might call this creativity — but a better word might be connectivity. It’s a simple, light, almost mechanical process that a monkey can do. Here’s legendary copywriter Gene Schwartz on the topic:

“What is creation? Creation is a lousy word. It’s a lousy word that confuses what you really do to perform a simple little procedure. Creation means create something out of nothing. In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth. Okay, only God can do that. We can’t do that: We’re human.

“​​So let’s throw creation out, and let’s talk about connectivity. What you are trying to do is connect things together. You’re trying to practice connectivity. You’re trying to get two ideas that were separate in your mind and culture before, and you are trying to put them together so they are now one thought. You want something new to come out, but new doesn’t mean it never existed before, it means never joined before. New – in every of discipline – means never joined before.”

BTW, all this means I won’t be pasting my daily emails on this site any more. But I will continue writing them and sending them to my newsletter subscribers. If you want to read these emails, you can subscribe for free here:

https://bejakovic.com/copywriters-hero/

How to never run out of daily email marketing topics

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I felt like vomiting.

About 15 people were looking at me as I stood there at the front of the classroom.

3 of them were judges, in charge of evaluating my speech.

I looked at them with fear. I was sweating. I was trembling. I felt sick.

Not because I had to give a speech. After all, this was a debate tournament. I had given speeches like this hundreds of times before.

I felt sick because the night before, I’d had way too much to drink (a debate tournament tradition). Even though I’d vomited earlier in the morning and I’d slept a couple hours, I still felt wretched.

Now as you might know, a competitive debate speech is supposed to last exactly 7 minutes. Most debaters have way more to say than that, so it becomes a game of trying to fit their best arguments into 7 minutes.

But not me. Not that morning.

My mind was a black hole. All I wanted to do was to sit and close my eyes. I certainly didn’t have 7 minutes’ worth of persuasive arguments.

So I spoke incoherently for about a minute…

I looked around for help, which didn’t come…

And then, to the shock of the debate judges, and to the dismay of my debate partner, I shut up. And after a moment of silence, I dragged myself back to my seat and crumpled down in the chair.

In case I’m not communicating it properly:

This was a humiliating, borderline traumatic experience. I felt stupid. I felt humiliated. And I knew the whole room had just witnessed my unique failure.

Perhaps you feel something like this when it’s time to sit down and write.

Sure, writing isn’t as stressful as public speaking. But if you have to come up with new ways to sell the same thing, again and again (such as in daily emails), it can be stressful enough.

So what’s the fix?

Well, rather than spelling it out for you, let me point you to a video that illustrates how to come up with all the content you will ever need, at least for daily emails.

This video stars a guy named Mike Rowe, who is now famous as the host of a bunch of TV shows such as Dirty Jobs.

​​But back in the early 90s, Rowe had the 3am slot on QVC (a cable shopping channel). And he had to sell all sorts of shit, which he did in a pretty hilarious and inspiring fashion.

Don’t watch this video if you’re hoping for some sort of magic solution. But do watch it if you want to see a demonstration of all the selling (and non-selling) techniques you will ever need in daily emails:

My biggest email mistake of 2019

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A couple of days ago, I sent out an email with the subject line, “How is your vagal tone?”

​​It was a dumb subject line. I should have used “Agora’s new health blockbuster” instead.

I say this because that email did worse than average in terms of opens. And yes, I know that sales are a vagillion times more important than opens. But since I’m not selling anything with these emails at the moment, then even open rates are interesting to look at.

And that’s one thing I’ve noticed with email opens throughout 2019 — they tend to be consistently lower with bizarre headlines like “How is your vagal tone?” I’ve also noticed that pure curiosity subject lines underperform as well.

And yet, such subject lines are as common in marketing emails as broken ankles are at the Walmart entrance on Black Friday.

No surprise there — these kinds of subject lines are easy and lazy to write. But I think it’s time to change.

I’m personally throwing out pure curiosity subject lines and  bizarro angles — RIP 2019.

​​In their place, it’s time come up with subject lines that are clearly of interest to people on the list. It’s not rocket surgery, but as my “vagal tone” email shows, it’s still easy to screw up.

The “daily email marketing” starter pack

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There’s a popular subreddit called starterpacks where people post made-up starter packs like…

“Every cheap Italian restaurant” starter pack
“1960s American scientist in a film” starter pack
“The “every Chevy commercial” starter pack

So here’s one for daily sales/marketing emails. Some of the following starter pack items are genuinely stupid practices, others are just overused. In any case, I’m guilty of having exploited all of them at some point. So I’m not pointing fingers. I’m just putting this starter pack together for your use and abuse.

The first daily email starter pack item is perhaps the most obvious. In fact, a friend who reads these emails called me out on it just a couple of weeks ago. So let me show you:

Daily email starter pack element #1. VSL formatting

You know what I’m talking about…

Or maybe you don’t…

But in any case…

The point is…

That a line in an email…

Can’t hold…

More than a sentence fragment.

Even a short sentence…

Is apparently too much.

Daily email starter pack element #2. Outlook 1997 styling

A daily email has to look just like a friend sent it to you, right?

Right. And that friend is writing to you from a murky past, back when email couldn’t contain html, certainly no embedded images, or any colors or markup. But even though you’re hearing from a close friend, he still feels the need to include a…

Daily email starter pack element #3. Mandatory signature

There is a girl I know who got her name tattooed on the back of her shoulder. I guess to help out one-night stands in case they forget her name. There must be some similar reasoning for people who sign each email they send out, day after day. And if signing your first name and last name isn’t enough, then you can always spice it up with…

Daily email starter pack element #4. Your made-up nickname in quotes

I first saw Andre “Whatever happened to ya?” Chaperon writing his name with a nickname jammed halfway in between. It’s a cool trick. Made less cool each time somebody copies it.

Daily email starter pack element #5. Stupid deliverability tricks

Now that I’ve got your attention, here are three things I want you to do right now:

1. Add me to your contacts
2. Drag this email out of the spam folder and into your inbox
3. Hit reply so I know you’re getting my messages. No need to write anything, because I won’t read it anyhow.

Daily email starter pack element #6. Telling it like it is

Look, unlike all the other bozos out there writing daily emails, I’ll be straight with ya. I’ve seen other people do it, and I like how tough it sounds. So even if I really have nothing to say, you can count on me to dispel myths. As soon as I actually spot one.

And there you have it. I got more of these, but these are the most widespread ones. If you want more, just hit reply. But don’t write anything.

And I’ll be right back…

In your inbox…

Same time, tomorrow.

And in just in case you forgot…

My name is…

John “Starter pack lover” Bejakovic

Yet another clickbait subject line

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“I was furious…”

“Did you get a chance to see this?”

“I almost forgot to tell you!”

I’ve seen an uptick recently in flat-out clickbait subject lines like these. And by “clickbait,” I mean subject lines that have little (or nothing) to do with the actual content of the email. They are simply tacked on as an afterthought, and could work just as well with any other content.

But what’s the problem? The more the merrier, right? People can’t read your message unless they click on it, and if a subject line gets them to click, then it’s done its job.

Perhaps. But like salt, curiosity rarely makes a filling meal on its own. That’s not my conclusion. Instead, it comes from one of the greatest copywriters of the last century, John Caples, who wrote about headlines:

“Avoid headlines that merely provoke curiosity. Curiosity combined with news or self-interest is an excellent aid to the pulling power of your headline, but curiosity by itself is seldom enough. This fundamental rule is violated more often than any other.”

And then then we get to the very other extreme. You might call this “the fewer the merrier.” It’s an idea promoted by the likes of marketing expert Travis Sago, who has made himself and his clients millions of dollars, often solely through email. Travis advises that you “write your subject lines like you have to pay for every open.”

So what to do? Who’s right?

Well, I think there’s actually no single right answer. There might be situations where clickbait headlines (“Whoa!”) make sense and make sales. Cold emails to businesses might be one example. Personally, I don’t like these kinds of subject lines, but that’s just a matter of artisanal pride.

I also think that if you’re looking to play the long game with your marketing, meaning you want an ongoing relationship with your readers, then it makes sense not to piss those readers off. Will they click on your email and feel like they’ve been scammed into reading something irrelevant? Then maybe it’s time to consider making your subject line less clickbaity, more transparent, and more specific.

5 sources of entertaining inspiration

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Email marketing guru Ben Settle says the cornerstone (at least one of them) of his successful strategy is something called:

Infotainment.

(That could be either a combination of “informal” and “attainment,” or “information” and “entertainment.” Take your pick.)

The thing is, if you look around the great email marketing landscape, you will see that most businesses and marketers have a much easier time with the information part of this formula, than with the entertainment bit.

And no wonder.

Teaching stuff, or at least appearing to teach stuff, is easy. That’s why teachers don’t get the big bucks.

On the other hand, entertaining, while it might seem trivial, is actually hard. It takes thought and practice. And nobody gets any credit for “appearing to entertain.” You either do or you don’t. That’s why people who genuinely entertain, like Eddie Murphy and Rob Schneider, get the money and the chicks.

So what to do?

Well, if you are not naturally entertaining (and who is?) then you will have to study, practice, and try to improve.

The good news is, there are lots of examples of entertaining content out there. In fact, we’re swimming in it. For example…

Syndicated newspaper comics, such as Garfield or the Far Side.

Or shock radio and entertaining podcasts, like the Howard Stern Show or the Joe Rogan Experience.

Or actual comic books, and their monstrous movie imitations.

Or late night talk shows, with their recurring characters, skits, and familiar format but ever-new content.

Or even newspapers. Particularly tabloids, and their incredible headlines (“Headless Body in Topless Bar”).

So if you’re having trouble crafting infotaining emails, try studying some of these sources, and see what you can copy, model, and mimic.

Or just get in touch with me and hire me to write for you. Because, while I’m not Rob Schneider-level yet, I’m actively working on it.