Become a copywriter by tomorrow

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Yesterday, reader Michael Harris wrote me to say:

I just wanted to let you know that I bought your Upwork book last week or the week before. I read it in an hour or two.

Yesterday, I got around to updating my profile and began bidding on jobs. Today, I closed my first job.

I used all of your tips and tricks (even the ‘hack’ you removed from the book) and landed a job in a day.

Full disclosure: I’m not new to copywriting, but I am new to Upwork as lead generation. The rate for this job is dog shit, but it’s the first step in getting started on Upwork.

I think the biggest takeaway I took from your book is this; don’t try to be clever. Just give them what they want, as long as it’s the truth.

My proposal was about 3 sentences long. Nothing fancy. Just what they wanted to see. 15 minutes after I sent the proposal I’d been hired. Nice.

Thanks for your help John

My point is, becoming a copywriter doesn’t have to take years. Even months.

You anoint yourself in this field. You can do it from today to tomorrow.

“Whoa there John. Can’t you read? Michael said he was already a copywriter and just using this as new source of leads.”

If that’s what you want to focus on, so be it. But let me offer another perspective:

Back in 2013, after wining his UCF debut, future two-division champion Conor McGregor gave an interview. McGregor is a master of self-promotional boasting and bluster, on a level that matches former President Donald J. Trump.

And yet, here’s what McGregor had to say about his confidence and invincibility:

“I’ve lost MMA fights. I’ve lost boxing fights. I’ve lost so many fights in the gym. I lose all the time. It is what it is. Any true martial artist will know in order to succeed at this game you must lose a fucking shitload of times.”

The good news is, you’re not aspiring to be a pro MMA fighter. You don’t need to risk getting your leg snapped in two. You don’t need to get your head kicked in. You don’t even need to expose your soft throat to strangulation until you’re an inch away from death.

The worst that can happen to you is you write something… the client comes back, tearing his hear out (not yours) and screaming, “What is this mess? Who told you you could be a copywriter?”

Tell ’em it was this guy, John Bejakovic, whose email newsletter you read.

And once your emotions subside in a few hours’ time, then start looking for your next gig. And as you do it, think how, in the future, you can avoid the big mistakes you made in that first job.

Again, that’s the worst case. And it ain’t all that bad.

The more likely case is, you deliver something… it’s okayish… particularly for the crap wage you’re getting paid. That’s a real success, and something you can build off.

But you know what?

You either get this or not. I’m just telling you this to be fair.

Because I mentioned a while ago that I will be retiring my Upwork book. Well, the time has come.

I will remove it from Amazon tomorrow night, after the final Influential Emails call, probably around 10pm CET.

I’ve promoted this book a few times before. It’s got my best advice for the early years of being a copywriter, whether you’re on Upwork or not. The how-to info inside is underpriced by a couple of factors of magnitude.

It’s going away tomorrow, for good. So in case you want to get it before it disappears, and maybe even apply some of the information it contains, here’s where to go:

https://bejakovic.com/upwork

A crazy and messed up way to end an email

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Some time in 1981, future “Songwriters Hall of Fame” member Darryl Hall was sitting at the piano in his Greenwich Village apartment.

His girlfriend Sara was in the kitchen peeling a hard-boiled egg.

Hall had a pencil in his mouth. He played a chord on the piano. He took the pencil and scribbled down a few words on a piece of paper.

Oh here she comes… She’s a maneater… and a commitmentphobe.

“Terrible!” Hall said. He crumpled up the paper and threw it on the floor.

Sara walked into the living room. She swallowed the first half of her hard-boiled egg. “What’s up?” she asked.

“So frustrating,” Hall said. “This new Maneater thing. I have the intro. ‘She’s sitting with you but her eyes are on the door.’ Right? A little story. Everybody can picture that.”

Sara stuffed the other half of the egg in her mouth. She raised her eyebrows to indicate to Hall to keep going.

“But then I get to the chorus,” Hall said. “It’s really the payload of the song. It’s what I want the listener to take away. But I can’t find a good way to wrap it up. ‘She’s a maneater and a… dirty nasty bitch? A cruel seductive girl? A womanhater?’ I can’t figure out how to end it with something people haven’t heard before.”

Sara finished chewing the egg and swallowed. She walked to the crumpled-up paper, picked it up off the floor, and looked over the lyrics.

“Drop that shit at the end,” she said. “Go, ‘She’s a maneater.’ And stop.”

Hall frowned. Then he really frowned. “You’re crazy.” he said. “That’s messed up.”

Sara rolled her eyes and walked back to the kitchen. Hall stared at the piano. He closed his eyes. He played a few notes. And he started to nod his head.

In the end, Darryl Hall dropped the shit at the end, as per his girlfriend’s advice. Hall & Oates recorded the song a few days later.

Maneater became a number one hit on the Billboard Hot 100 chart on December 18, 1982. Out of the five number one hits that Hall & Oates had in their career, Maneater became the one that stayed at no. 1 the longest. Going by the 172 million views the song has on YouTube, it remains their biggest hit today.

“I thought about it,” Hall said once when speaking about Maneater and about his girlfriend’s suggestion. “I realized she was right. And it made all the difference.”

The perfect sales language for who you are — and who you are becoming

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“With so many different products, we surely have the perfect Tachyon energy antenna for who you are — and who you are becoming”

A picture of a dolphin. “Panther juice.” And the following headline:

TACHYON ENERGY
For the Planet… For Her People… For You!

It might be the strangest direct response ad I’ve ever seen.

In fact, I’m not really sure it is a direct response ad. Maybe nobody was checking the responses. Or maybe this was actually a communique from wise creatures in a parallel dimension, who want us all to live in greater harmony, health, and prosperity.

What I do know is that this ad appeared dozens of times in the 90s and 2000s in magazines like Yoga Journal.

Some of the products listed in the ad include back belts, headbands, and something called “panther juice,” all of which purport to tap into the mysterious tachyon field all around us.

I’d never heard of tachyon energy before.

But I soon found that the people behind the dolphin ad had published a book in 1999 to explain tachyon energy to the masses. The book has 63 reviews on Amazon. Here’s a short excerpt from the most upvoted review:

“I came across Tachyon while doing some research on Vogel Crystal healings. Radieshesia, Radionics, Psychotronics etc all lead you to a Parallel dimension ( Dr. Tiller calls it a second 3D) we can tap into. Zero Field, Dark Matter, The Field, Quantum Field, whatever you want to call it, it is there and various people have learned and figured out how to tap into it.”

I’m not 100% sure what my point is. Except a while back, I wrote this:

Look to the extremes.

In other words, if you want to harness a valuable copywriting technique or marketing approach… then look to the folks who specialize in this approach — and nothing else.

For example, if you want to frame your offer as a huge opportunity… then look to opportunity marketers. The real estate infomercials… the business opportunity classifieds… the Joe Karbo’s of the world.

And if you want to create an aura of magic, mystery, and otherworldly possibility in your copy, then look to the tachyon energy ad and the sales language it uses.

Either it will help you write copy that taps into the fundamental human need to believe… or it might teleport you into a non-dimensional space and provide revolutionary new answers to health, longevity, and mental alertness.

Whatever the outcome may be, if you’re ready to have your third eye opened, then take a look below. And if you want an email newsletter about copywriting and marketing that’s perfect for who you are — and who you are becoming — then step through this portal.

An open letter to an internet detective who caught me sneaking yesterday

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Yesterday, I wrote an email which referenced something Ben Settle said a few days ago. Big mistake.

Because one vigilante detective on the Internet immediately sensed something suspicious was afoot. So he reached through the screen… grabbed me by the scruff of the neck… and started investigating where I’ve been the past few days. He wrote:

“The other time John Bejakovic said he was unsubscribing from Ben Settle’s email list. I wonder how he still managed to get wind of an email Ben sent few days ago.”

Ever since my teenage days, I’ve loved explaining my comings and goings to other people. So as a way of explaining myself this time, let me tell you a fun Dan Kennedy story.

Many years ago, Dan worked with a client named Tom Orent. Orent is a marketer in the dentistry niche.

One of Orent’s offers was a yearly $48k coaching program. (By the way, this was back in the early 2000s. Think more like $200k in today’s marketing money.)

So at a seminar one time, Dan got a question from an intrigued audience member. “What the hell does Tom Orent do in his coaching program to justify the $48k price tag?”

Dan chuckled. “First of all,” he said, “let me suggest a better question. Rather than, what the hell does Tom Orent do to justify his $48k fee… the better question would be, how does Tom Orent sell his $48k coaching program. Because the sales mechanism is far more useful for you to discover than what is being delivered. However, since you asked the wrong question, you get the answer to the wrong question…”

And then Dan laid out the pretty uninteresting content of Tom Orent’s $48k coaching program.
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Similarly, here’s my explanation of my whereabouts over the past few months:

I did unsubscribe from Ben Settle’s print newsletter this summer. That’s what I wrote about in a series of emails a short while ago.

But I never unsubscribed from Ben’s emails. That would be foolish, even by my standards. Because like Dan says, the sales mechanism is far more useful to discover than what is being delivered.

But really… that’s not why I keep reading Ben’s emails.

I bet you’ve got a bursting swipe file already. I know I do. And so the real reason why I still subscribe to Ben’s emails is not so I can stuff more word tonnage into my swipe file, like a little squirrel with its cheeks full of acorns, trying to fit just one more in there.

No, I read Ben’s emails for another reason. Again, here’s Dan Kennedy:

“Put your best stuff in your lowest-priced stuff.”

I don’t know if Ben goes by this. But I’ve personally found a lot of tactical, business, and personal value in Ben’s free emails.

And that’s the truth, Mr. Internet Detective. That’s why I keep reading. And that’s how I got wind of Ben’s email from a few days ago. That’s the answer to your question.

But let me suggest a better question.

Rather than, how did I get wind of Ben’s email… the better question would be, how do I keep from missing out on valuable lessons that Ben hides in plain sight? And how did I recently apply some of those lessons to my business, and profit from them already?

That’s what I was planning on talking about in today’s email. ​
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Because there’s no point in getting somebody’s best stuff for free… unless you recognize it as such and then do something with it. However, since I got asked the wrong question…

Want answers to some right questions? I write an email newsletter every day. You can subscribe to it here, and in that way, keep track of my suspicious comings and goings.

 

Introducing: New Gimme Hope Co’rona strain

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Perhaps you’ve read the news. From a Reuters article earlier today:

“Australia and several other countries joined nations imposing restrictions on travel from southern Africa on Saturday after the discovery of the new Charlize Coron variant sparked global concern and triggered a market sell-off.”

Ok, that’s not really what the news said. The new corona strain isn’t called Charlize Coron. It should have been called that. But instead, it got yet another boring Greek letter name, omicron.

A couple days ago, Ben Settle wrote this:

Yes, Google is one the best content title swipe files on the internet IMO.

My recommendation:

Look at hundreds of craft beer names.

Note the ones that pop out at you.

Then ask yourself:

“How can I apply this uniquely and creatively to my next piece of content?”

Since the Greek letter naming system sucks, I decided to try Ben’s advice out. I wanted to see if I couldn’t come up with a craft beer name for the new corona variant, something better than “omicron.” Maybe you can tell me if I succeeded with any of the options below.

A bit of googling revealed that many craft beer names are puns on celebrity names, stock phrases, or pop culture references tied in to the history behind the brewery.

Since this new variant was found in South Africa and Botswana, I hit upon the following ideas for the new corona beer:

* Covid Bustard (after Botswana’s national bird, the kori bustard)

* Antigen To Zebra (“all the animals you can find in South Africa, from aardvark to zebra”)

* Gimme Hope Co’rona (after the Eddie Grant hit Gimme Hope Jo’anna — Jo’anna is Johannesburg)

A second article I read said scientists are worried because this new strain has “a very unusual constellation of mutations.”

Unusual mutations? That makes my brain go in one direction only. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. And since craft beers often feature nonsensical, goofy, high-energy names, this could be another possible name for the new brew:

* Cowidbunga!

Finally, the scientist who isolated this new variant said the “full significance of the variant is uncertain.” This reminded me of something Daniel Kahneman wrote about uncertainty and fear:

“The fear of an electric shock is uncorrelated with the probability of receiving the shock. The mere possibility triggers the full blown response.”

This Kahneman idea ties in well to my personal beliefs about corona. And if I had anything to do with naming the new strain, I might just give a nod to Kahneman and call it “Covid, fast and slow.”

But you know what? My point is not really anything to do with corona.

It’s not even anything to do with naming your products or content either.

Maybe you can see the point I’m trying to make. If not, then check out my email tomorrow, where I will almost certainly reveal Die Antwoord (another possible craft corona name?).

Shock and delight at a celebrity funeral

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On December 3 1989, a memorial service was held at St. Bartholomew’s Hospital at the University of Cambridge. The deceased was one Graham Chapman, aged 48, who had died two months earlier from tonsil cancer.

At various times during his life, Chapman was a homosexual, an alcoholic, a member of the Dangerous Sports Club, and one of the six members of the sketch comedy troupe Monty Python.

All the other members of Monty Python were there at the service. Several of them got up to give eulogies. One of eulogizers was John Cleese, the guy behind my favorite comedy of all time, A Fish Called Wanda.

“I guess that we’re all thinking how sad it is,” Cleese started, “that a man of such talent, of such capability for kindness, of such unusual intelligence should now be spirited away at the age of only 48, before he had achieved many of the things of which he was capable, and before he’d had enough fun.”

The camera zoomed around the large hall. It settled on the other Pythons — Michael Palin, Eric Idle — looking serious and proper.

“Well I feel that I should say… nonsense,” Cleese said. “Good riddance to him, the freeloading bastard. I hope he fries.”

Yep, this really happened. During a eulogy, John Cleese said about the deceased, “I hope he fries.”

Last night, I had the second call of the Influential Emails training. Throughout this training, I’ve been talking about the similarities between comedy and email copy.

Not because you want to make your emails funny necessarily.

But because you want to surprise, shock, and even outrage people at the start. And then, pay it off in a credible and pleasing way, where the only people who leave are the ones who are either slaves to mindless good taste… or who genuinely disagree with you.

In my life, I’ve never seen a better illustration of this “surprise and delight” combination than John Cleese’s eulogy.

I won’t tell you how Cleese got out of the shocking hole he had dug for himself. But he did it, and he did it in a sweet, credible, thoughtful way.

You can see it all in the short two-minute clip below. It might prove very instructive if you want to write emails that people will 1) read day after day… 2) look forward to… 3) feel a bond with… and 4) allow themselves to be influenced by.

But be warned. This clip contains two profanities, one of which had never been spoken on television before. If that doesn’t shock you too badly, then prepare to be delighted here:

Still here? Maybe you’d like to be surprised and delighted tomorrow as well. In that case, sign up for my email newsletter.

What do you think? Is this story worth keeping?

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Would you do me a favor?

I’m writing a book. I’m thinking of including the following story.

Since you may have read some of my blog already, would you read this condensed version of the story?

Tell me whether it’s up to par with my better writing. Or below it?

Of course, you’re free to not share your opinion. But if you do choose to do me this favor, I’ll be grateful to you.

So this story happened some time in the 1970s, before the PC was invented, and it has to do with a computer repair tech named Keith. (Yes, I know that’s a riveting beginning. But bear with me for a second. It gets better.)

One of Keith’s customers was a financial brokerage. They used a number of expensive computer terminals.

Each day at 1:30pm, one of these terminals would lock up. The trader who was using this specific terminal was furious. He would need to wait a bit, then reach around the machine, and restart it for it to work again.

Each day, the trader would call up Keith’s company and yell. The company would send out a tech to investigate. But the tech could never reproduce the problem that the trader was having.

What was happening was this:

Before lunch, the trader would read his newspaper. A phone call would come.

The trader would toss his newspaper on top of the computer terminal, covering the heat vent.

The beast would overheat and lock up. The trader would start cursing… restart the machine… and call Keith’s company and threaten to cancel the support contract because the stupid thing crashed yet again, at the worst possible moment.

And then one day, Keith was at the brokerage dealing with another issue.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the trader tossing the newspaper on the heat vent… the terminal overheating and locking up… the trader getting furious, restarting the computer, and beating it with the newspaper.

Keith could have gone over and said, “Problem solved! It’s because of your newspaper! Don’t ever put it onto the heat vent like that! The machine can’t work when you make it overheat!”

No, Keith was more subtle. He walked over to the trader’s desk and said it was great he could see finally the problem for himself.

As the machine was restarting, Keith surreptitiously put the newspaper over the vent again.

Sure enough, in a couple of moments, the terminal locked up again.

“You see!” the trader said triumphantly. “There it goes again, the piece of…”

Keith shook his head and scratched his chin. He looked at the terminal screen. “It makes no sense,” he said. “You see how it flickered just then? That usually means it’s overheating. But your office is so cool… what could it be?”

Keith started fumbling with the back of the terminal. And he waited.

“Oh no,” the trader said. “Could it maybe be the newspaper?” He picked it up off the vent and a volcanic heat rose from underneath it.

In a few moments, the computer cooled off and started working again.

The trader started apologizing. But Keith would have none of it. He just thanked the trader for finding the root cause of the bug. And the support contract, instead of being canceled, ended up being extended.

So what do you think? Is this an interesting story? I’m thinking to use it to illustrate this golden insight by Robert Collier:

“As to the motives to appeal to when you have won the reader’s attention, by far the strongest, in our experience, is Vanity. Not the vanity that buys a cosmetic or whatnot to look a little better, but that unconscious vanity which makes a man want to feel important in his own eyes and makes him strut mentally. This appeal needs to be subtly used, but when properly used, it is the strongest we know.”

Do you think this illustration is worthwhile? Should I toss it out? Keep it in? Write in and let me know. I appreciate your opinion and advice. And if you ever want to comment directly on anything I write, sign up for my daily email newsletter.

What ARGs and QAnon can teach us about marketing

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Two days ago, I sent out an email with a simple engagement device:

I promised to give away a story with a marketing moral, in exchange for people writing in and telling me their zodiac sign. (Virgos came out on top, by the way. And pisces. So few aquarii.)

I got inspired to do this by hearing Dan Kennedy say he’s been making his own engagement devices simpler and simpler with each passing year. “Send us a piece of paper with a big black mark on it… and you win!” (Even so, I had a few birds-of-paradise write me to say, “I don’t do horoscopes. Can I still have the story?”)

This is part of a general trend.

“Reduce friction,” many high-level marketers will tell you. Tell stories that are as widely appealing as possible. Make your writing as simple as possible. Echo your prospect’s values back to him as clearly as possible.

Well, that’s one way to do it.

But I read interesting article today about the exact opposite way. The article was written by Adrian Hon, who is a successful game designer who has influenced the lives of millions of people.

Hon compared his own field, augmented reality games, with the allure of QAnon and the world of conspiracy theories. The conclusions were these:

1. “But there’s always been another kind of entertainment that appeals to different people at different times, one that rewards active discovery, the drawing of connections between clues, the delicious sensation of a hunch that pays off after hours or days of work. Puzzle books, murder mysteries, adventure games, escape rooms, even scientific research – they all aim for the same spot.”

2. “Online communities have long been dismissed as inferior in every way to ‘real’ friendships, an attenuated version that’s better than nothing, but not something that anyone should choose. Yet ARGs and QAnon (and games and fandom and so many other things) demonstrate there’s an immediacy and scale and relevance to online communities that can be more potent and rewarding than a neighbourhood bake sale.”

3. “The same has happened with modern ARGs, where explainer videos have become so compelling they rack up more views than the ARGs have players (not unlike Twitch).”

The point I take away from this is that people will get fanatically involved in things that require work, struggle, and uncertainty. Because it creates a thrill. And it gives them a feeling of agency.

Second, you can now make a world for your prospects that’s more stimulating and more real than any experience they’ve had before.

And third, if you’re a really calculating type, you can have your cake and eat it too. Because if you set out to create an experience for the engaged, rabid core of your audience… the people who play along with your complex and challenging world-building… well, the passive-but-profitable remainder will still follow along.

But why am I spoon-feeding you these ideas?

Perhaps you are the kind of person who gets what I’m talking about.

Maybe want to discover and experience some things yourself.

In that case, here’s the link to Hon’s article. It’s not a recipe for world-building. But is an entry point into Hon’s world. And it might be just the type of thing to help you crack this puzzle one day:

https://mssv.net/2020/08/02/what-args-can-teach-us-about-qanon/

The fascist cokehead who raised me

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How foolishly inconsistent of me.

On April 7 of this year, I wrote an email promoting the idea that you should give your prospects a menu of options. I quoted from Jonah Berger’s book The Catalyst:

But give people multiple options, and suddenly things shift.

Rather than thinking about what is wrong with whatever was suggested, they think about which one is better. Rather than poking holes in whatever was raised, they think about which of the options is best for them. And because they’ve been participating, they’re much more likely to go along with one of them in the end.

Reasonable, right?

Except, only a short while earlier, on February 28, I sent out an email with the exact opposite message. The subject line for that was “The best copywriting tactic ever.” It was inspired by an article I’d read in Scientific American by neuroscientist V. S. Ramachandran. The email concluded:

The world is complicated. Too many choices. Too much information. That’s why we seek out extremes, to make our lives easier. And that’s something you can use to make your copy not better, but best.

So one email is basically telling you to give your prospects a choice… the other email is telling you to give them no choice.

How to reconcile these two ideas?

I don’t know. Maybe you can do it. I haven’t tried. And I won’t, because I’ve got better things to do. Like preparing for the second call of my Influential Emails training.

The first call was all about writing and persuasion techniques that I use regularly — and that anybody else can use and profit from as well.

But this second call is more personal. It will include some of my own writing and thinking quirks.

Such as for example, the contradiction in my two emails above. The reason I’m ok with this contradiction is because of a third email I wrote.

That third email was about David Bowie and an infuriatingly inconsistent interview he gave to Playboy magazine in 1976. (1976 was the height of Bowie’s cokehead era. A big brouhaha emerged after the interview because Bowie said during it, “I believe very strongly in fascism.”)

This Bowie email is the most influential thing I’ve ever written.

Not because it got me any sales… or any interest from important people in the industry… or even any engagement from readers on my list. In fact, as far as I remember, nobody even commented on this email.

But the ideas in that email had the biggest influence on how I personally write. And not just emails, but influential writing more broadly.

You might think I’m just advocating being provocative in your thinking and writing. It goes deeper than that, at least in my mind.

In any case, if you want to read that short email about David Bowie, so you can see if it will have any influence on you, here’s the link:

https://bejakovic.com/being-authentic-is-overrated/

It’s good whether it’s good or not

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Dan Kennedy was in the back of the room, getting coffee and a donut before one of his seminars. One of the attendees, a guy named Charlie, sidled over and picked up a donut also.

“I’m really looking forward to this,” Charlie said to Dan. “It’s gonna be good. It better be good!”

The unspoken point was that Charlie, like everybody else in the room except Dan, had paid a ton of money to be there. 10-15 grand. The seminar better be worth it.

Dan Kennedy brushed some powdered sugar off his mustache. He took a sip of coffee.

“How good I am won’t matter much,” he said. “It’s a combination of the who… the expectation… the price paid… the pre-event involvement. Now the expectation is so high, it’s good whether it’s good or not.”

I thought this was really profound. Maybe… because I had a similar thought a few days ago. And whenever I find people who echo my thoughts back to me, I tend to think they are profound. It must be some ego thing.

In any case, you might think I’m telling you to position and “pre-sell” your products or services. Or to sell them to the right “who.”

That would definitely be a valuable lesson.

But what really stuck out to me is what Dan said about pre-event involvement.

Adequate involvement can make your products or services good whether they are good or not. And here’s something extra you might not have thought of:

The same is true of your copy.

I have a little story to share with you that explains just what I mean.

It ties in very nicely to this Dan Kennedy snapshot. It touches on where I think marketing is going in the future. And it might be valuable to you if you create front-end funnels, or if you write emails to drive back-end sales.

So here’s the deal:

Sign up to my email newsletter.

When you get the confirmation email, hit reply and and let me know your sign. Yeah, you know, your horoscope. Libra, virgo, taurus.

I’ll use this information to customize this story so you get the biggest result out of it. And I’ll send it back to you in a personal email.

The only way I could make this more valuable to you is to charge you for it. But I think you will find this custom story good, even at this current low price of free. So get going — our team of crack astrologers is standing by.