Copywriting

My so-called life as a 32-year-old Brazilian female fitness model

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Hiii RadGirl!! Yesss, my subject line today is a take on Carline Anglade Cole’s My Life as a 50+ Year-Old White Male ❤️❤️ Carline is SUCH an amazing and inspiring copywriter and—

Gollum! Gollum!

Ah, that’s better. Now that I’ve cleared my throat and got my own voice back, I can tell you the story behind today’s subject line.

A few years ago, through a series of word-of-mouth recommendations, I got a chance to work with Marina.

Marina is Brazilian. She’s a former top-level athlete turned personal trainer and fitness model. She also sells workout and diet programs for busy and stressed moms.

Marina wanted to send conversational emails to her list. But she didn’t want to write the emails herself.

So she and her husband (a well–known direct marketer) made me an offer. A flat monthly fee + a cut of whatever money we made through the emails I’d be writing. But it was important that the emails really sound like her.

“Sure!” I said. “Love to do it! It’ll be a challenge! But a good copywriter can write in anybody’s voice!”

I knew just what to do.

I got on multiple calls with Marina. I wrote down her fitness and health philosophy. I listened to her funny personal stories. I asked about the restaurants she’s been eating in… the TV shows she’s been watching… the thoughts that pop up in her head when the lights go out.

I also started stalking her online. I analyzed each of her Instagram posts for word choice, punctuation, emotional tenor. I made a “Marina vocabulary” file.

And then I got to work. I told my stories of how I used to hate my crazy curly hair in high school… how I struggled to accept cellulite on my thighs, even though it’s a perfectly natural part of being a woman…

I agonized whether to include one exclamation point (important!) two exclamation points (mind-blowing!!!) or three excla—

“Yeah, I get it.” I hear you say. “You worked hard to mimic her voice. What’s the point you’re getting at?”

I see you’re impatient today. Fine. I’ll hurry it up.

The emails I wrote for Marina made some sales. But I hated the process.

It took an enormous amount of time to juke the emails so they would read passably like her.

And even so, what I wrote never really sounded like Marina. It was obvious to me, and I assume obvious to anybody who actually knew her.

No, we never got any complaints from readers (“WTF, this sounds fake”).

And it was impossible to tell how the sales were affected (“This email Marina doesn’t sound like the Instagram Marina I know…. better hold off on buying till I get this sorted”).

But a couple months into this experience… when I realized this wasn’t going to be a giant money maker for either her or me… I wrote to Marina, said thanks for the opportunity, but it’s time for me to move on. And I did, to the real estate investing space, a market where I had more natural fit.

So the point you were asking about:

Lots of new copywriters claim they can write in anybody’s voice. “Love to do it! It’ll be a challenge! But I can mimic anybody with my secret research processss!!!”

And maybe you can.

​​I cannot. Not if it’s a real, live, sentient human being I’m supposed to mimic. Not if the lexical similarity needs to be greater than 60%. Not if I don’t plan to spend months or maybe years growing into the role.

This is part of a bigger issue in copywriting.

I remember hearing in the “Gene Schwartz Graduate Course on Marketing” that Gene Schwartz — yeah, one of the greatest copywriters of all time — couldn’t write winning copy outside his specialized field.

I don’t remember the exact details. But the person who said it was somebody in the know (maybe somebody who had worked with Gene).

​​And this person said that when Gene was taken out of his “Lethal Weapon,” “Rub your belly away” ads and sales letters, his copy didn’t pull. In spite of the meticulous research he did.

Same story with Clayton Makepeace. Another giant. Clayton made crazy sales in health and financial. But I heard Rich Schefren say on a Facebook live that when Clayton wrote some stuff for Rich in the IM space, it also didn’t pull. In spite of Clayton being a natural.

I’m not 100% sure what my takeaway for you is. If you’re a copywriter, I’m certainly not telling you to skip research. I’m also not telling you to refuse jobs just because the client’s voice is not “you.”

But perhaps, this is just argument #4338, not only for specializing with your copy… but for specializing with a few clients — or maybe even hunkering down with one client only.

And if you’re not a copywriter, but a business owner who’s been writing his or her (Heyyy RadGirl) own copy…

Then everything I just said is an argument against casually outsourcing your own voice to a copywriter. Regardless of how much they assure you they will sound like you. It’s not impossible. But it is likely to take time. You might decide it’s better to do keep this sensitive and valuable part of your business to yourself.

Which brings me to my upcoming Influential Emails training. Here’s a reason NOT to sign up:

Influential Emails is not about tips and tricks to jazz up a one-off email or a sequence for a client you will never work with again. Yes, I’ll reveal some high-level stuff. And yes, you can use this to improve storytelling or get more readers sucked in, regardless of what you write.

But Influential Emails is really about the long game. About influencing and building a relationship with an audience. About getting them to look at you (or your email alter-ego) as a leader.

That’s why Influential Emails only makes sense if you are writing to promote yourself… or your own business or brand… or if you are working with a long-term client.

​​In other words, if makes sense if it pays you to invest time and effort to create long-term, powerful influence, instead of just one-time sales.

In any case, the deadline to sign up for Influential Emails is tomorrow.

I CANNOT WAIT FOR YOU TO JOIN and find out all my amazing secrets! 🙏🏼🙌🏼💞. YOU ARE WORTH IT!

Seriously now. Here’s the link:
​
https://influentialemails.com

How to get “America’s best copywriter” to read your every email

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I tend to idolize things that happened before I arrived on the scene. So I imagine it must have been great to fly in the “Coffee, Tea, or Me?” heyday of TWA…

It must have been great to do business by the screeching and crackling fax…

And it must have been great to write copy for junk— I mean, direct mail.

I imagine direct mail copywriters to have been like titans, bigger and cooler and more powerful than any of us today.

That’s one of the reasons I have so much respect for Gary Bencivenga. Of course, there are many other, more logical reasons to respect Gary.

Like the fact the man’s been called called “America’s greatest copywriter,” by people who should know. Or that he has an unmatched string of wins, going up against other top pros. Or that he’s a deep thinker in this field, whose ideas have influenced many, myself included.

So here’s one idea of Gary’s. It’s the one that influenced me the most.

This idea was connected to another titan who stomped the Earth before I became aware of direct response. I’m talking about Gary Halbert.

Gary Halbert died in 2007. And when that happened, Gary Bencivenga wrote the following:

In fact, I was thinking about Gary and his newsletter just a few weeks ago. I had noticed something unusual about my reaction to it. I subscribe to numerous marketing ezines. But I noticed that, under the crush of hundreds of emails a week, I found myself deleting almost all of them unopened… except for The Gary Halbert Letter. I would always open his, usually as soon as it hit my inbox.

Whenever I notice an anomaly like that, I ask the most instructive word in the English language: Why?

[…]

Gary shared news. Sometimes he was the news, sometimes it was a dramatic turn of events in his tumultuous life, but often enough, he shared news of a technique or strategy that would make your response and profits soar. You couldn’t afford to miss even one of these gems, so you had to open every issue.

Maybe you think is trivial.

But maybe it says something to you. It did to me. It told me that, if you can get America’s best copywriter to read every email you send, it’s worth doing.

Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. supposedly said, “Man’s mind, stretched to a new idea, never goes back to its original dimension.”

This one observation by Gary B., which I read early in my copy career, really got in my head and stretched it to a new dimension.

And ever since, it’s been key in how I write my own emails. And key to why these emails have gotten in the heads of other people as well. That’s why “Say something new” is the central tenet behind my Influential Emails training, which will happen next month.

Now that you know that, maybe like me, you can go off and spend a few years meditating on Gary’s koan. Try implementing it in your own business. And keep it up until you start to see results.

Or if you’d like a shortcut, both in terms of coming up with new things to say… and of new ways to say ’em… then Top Gun, as Gary might say, take a look at my Influential Emails offer. It’s open now, but it will close this Sunday. Here’s the link:

https://influentialemails.com

The End of Marketing and the Last Mail

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If you want to get influence and become famous in the near future, I have a strategy you can start using today.

Let me set it up by telling you about Francis Fukuyama. He was the 90s version of Jordan Peterson. A sober academic… who somehow exploded into the high heavens and became an international celebrity.

But unlike Peterson, Fukuyama did it without the help of YouTube. Instead, he did it with a book called The End of History and The Last Man.

In that book, Fukuyama prophesied that there be some standing here (meaning 1992, when the book was published)… who will not taste death before they see liberal democracy ruling the world.

That seems a bit naive today. We got empires like China and Russia on the ascendant… we got huge corporations, controlling more power than most elected bodies… we got the Taliban flag, hoisted over Kabul once again.

But whatever. That’s how it goes with predictions. Most predictions, even by experts or otherwise smart people, end up ridiculously off the mark. In fact, a reliable way to get a laugh is to bring up stupid past predictions:

“The cinema is little more than a fad. It’s canned drama. What audiences really want to see is flesh and blood on the stage.” — Charlie Chaplin, 1916

“There is not the slightest indication that nuclear energy will ever be obtainable. It would mean that the atom would have to be shattered at will.” — Albert Einstein, 1932

“Everyone’s always asking me when Apple will come out with a cell phone. My answer is, ‘Probably never.'” — David Pogue, The New York Times, 2006

No matter. Francis Fukuyama became a star by making a bold prediction. And so can you.

Because like kicking the cat, predictions give us a feeling of control in an out-of-control world. And as the singularity nears… and as the fog over the horizon continues to get thicker, limiting our field of view with each passing month… we as a society feel more and more need for dramatic, outlandish, and yet believable predictions.

That’s why I keep making my ongoing prediction about the end of marketing. Or at least the end of classic-style DR marketing, with its flashing neon signs and blaring warning sirens.

My personal bet for the future is on influence instead of persuasion… insight instead of desire… and breakthroughs in print instead of salesmanship in print.

So make a prediction. Even if it ends up being proven wrong. That’s my free idea for you to start building influence today.

I have more such ideas inside Influential Emails, the training I’m offering right now. In fact, I got got to thinking about this prediction stuff because of my “12+4 Most Influential Emails.” This is one of the free bonuses inside my current offer.

This free bonus contains 12+4 emails, including one which influenced me more than any other email I’ve ever gotten from a marketer. The email was all about a prediction. And the crazy thing is, the prediction didn’t even come from the marketer who wrote the email.

Instead, it came from somebody else… writing in another format, years earlier.

That’s the power of influence, and of influential writing.

The initial idea stuck around… lived on in somebody else’s head… made its way into my head… and I will now be passing it on to people who join my Influential Emails program.

Perhaps that will be you. Or perhaps not. But if you’d like more info to help you make that decision, I predict you’ll soon find it here:

https://influentialemails.com/

Announcing… an email training with a new name

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We all make mistakes. I made one yesterday.

That’s when I made an offer for a new training I called Invisible Email Manipulation.

But as I lay in bed last night, bed sheets pulled up to my eyeballs, staring at the ceiling in the dark, I realized…

It was the wrong name.

For one thing, Invisible Email Manipulation is a mouthful.

But more important, Invisible Email Manipulation doesn’t sum up what’s unique about these emails. Or the unique stuff this training will reveal.

Unique? Yes, unique. But not necessarily new. As somebody smart figured out approximately 25 centuries ago… there’s nothing necessarily new under the sun.

These emails I write are not sales copy. At least not in the way that sales copy looks when it goes to a cold, skeptical audience.

At the same time, these emails are not plain content either. Even when I don’t sell.

Instead, these emails are an alloy of DR ideas and content — along with a few of my own subtle ingredients. It’s a mixture that gets results that neither of sales copy nor content could get alone.

And as I realized last night, and as you might know already, there’s a name for this style of writing. The name comes from Dan Kennedy, who brought to light and identified so much in this industry.

Dan calls it “influential writing.” As distinct from “copywriting.” And that distinction informed my new name for this training:

Influential Emails.

The ultimate goal of Influential Emails is to get you writing influential emails for yourself… or your brand… or your clients.

Because if you do, good stuff happens. Such as the following:

1. You influence your prospects, and you get them to open up their minds to new ideas you want them to believe.

2. You create positioning and authority and even traffic by words alone. Even if you got no status to start… or no markers of expertise… or no bright feather boa to draw attention to yourself.

3. You sell stuff, while sidestepping the stubborn reactance more and more of us feel when we notice a smiling persuader reaching his hands into our personal space.

Maybe you don’t believe me influential emails can do all this. Or maybe you just don’t believe that Influential Emails can do all this for you.

I’ll try to change your mind in the coming days with a few more emails. The offer to join Influential Emails will be open until next Sunday.

In the meantime, you can find the sales page below. It’s still very minimal. Like the initial release of Google Chrome… it will magically upgrade itself to full functionality throughout the next week.

But if you want to check it out… or you want more details on what’s included in the offer behind Influential Emails… or if you’re even ready to sign up now… then try this link:

https://influentialemails.com/

You never get a second chance to make a last impression

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FBI negotiator Chris Voss has a tip for you:

If you ever have to call the family of somebody who’s been taken hostage by machete-wielding drug traffickers in the Philippines… then save your “how are you” for the end.

In other words, call up the mom of your hostage on the phone. Say, “Hey Mrs. Robinson. It’s Agent John Bejakovic here with the FBI. About your son… I’m afraid I got nothing new to report.”

Give the mom a second to process the info.

And then say, “Mrs. Robinson… how are you and your family coping with this whole situation?” Because…

“The last impression is the lasting impression.”

So says Chris Voss. But it’s not just him. We know today, from decades of experiments on human guinea pigs, that our brains evaluate experiences based on two brief moments only.

The first is the emotional highlight. That can be impossible to control.

But the second is the ending. That’s easy to control.

So it’s your choice. You can first ask Mrs. Robinson how she’s doing… then give her the underwhelming update. “Nothing new!” She will think you’re useless, like all those other FBI idiots.

Or you can switch up the order. Give the update first and end with, “How are you, really?” And Mrs. Robinson will leave off feeling human, like maybe you really care about her welfare and the welfare of her son.

“The last impression is the lasting impression.”

Now about marketing:

A lot of clients I’ve worked with like the idea of warming up a list.

“Let’s not sell anything for a while! Let’s just build a relationship! Let’s give ’em value! They will love us for it!”

I gotta tell you, from personal experience:

You better make your relationship-building material something miraculously good and new. And you better end each email real strong.

Otherwise, you will just leave a dry and chalky taste in your prospects’ mouths. And the next time they get an email from you… they will think twice about biting down on your value-laden content.

But here’s an easy trick, in line with Chris Voss above.

Instead of leaving your prospects with your attempt at value… leave them with an offer.

“The last impression is the lasting impression.”

Make an underwhelming stab at value… and you’ll leave your prospects feeling let down as they walk away.

But make an offer… and your prospects will leave with some tension, mystery, and the feeling of an unexploited opportunity. They might not be ready to buy then and there. But you will make them engaged and ready to listen to you the next time.

And like I said, this all comes from personal experience.

I usually don’t sell in these emails. It’s a moral failing. That’s the only way I can describe it.

Sure, not selling has forced me to get real good at writing emails. How good exactly?

Good enough that I had an Agora publisher find my email archive, and then contact me out of the blue and offer me work.

Good enough that I’ve had a genuine guru in the industry, somebody who’s made tens of millions of dollars for himself and hundreds of millions of dollars for others, reach out to say he loves what I’m doing and that we should connect.

Good enough that, on the rare occasion that I have something coherent to sell, like my last month’s Copy Riddles run, I do fantastic.

But even with all that, my emails are still not good enough to keep up a sustainable relationship with my audience. Not long term. Not without selling all the time.

Because sooner or later I slip up. The “value” I deliver ends up a little dry and chalky. And I can see the effect. Over time, I lose people, their attention, and their engagement.

Selling something all the time would fix that. It would give folks who read my stuff a certain excitement and juice that a regular content email simply cannot replicate. Not every day.

Maybe you don’t believe me. So let me give you a demonstration. See if it convinces you.

I’m putting on a new training. It’s called Invisible Email Manipulation. It features me, in a top hat, pulling back the curtain on some of the main tricks I use to write these emails.

Like I said, I’ve been forced to get very good at writing these emails to keep people engaged… in spite of having nothing to sell most days.

I find I keep going back to the same few tricks, over and over. That’s because my tricks are powerful, and because they are different from the tricks other copywriters are using.

Maybe you’d like to learn my tricks, so you can apply them to what you or your clients are selling. If so, here’s what to do:

1. Write me an email and…

1. Let me know that yes, you are interested in Invisible Email Manipulation and…

2. Let me know one thing you did NOT like in the last copywriting training, course, or program you bought. I’m trying to position myself as being different. And no better way to do it then to be different from crap people don’t like.

So if you are interested, write me and let me know.

In return, I’ll send you the what/when/where/how/how much of this training. Plus, if you write me in the next 24 hours… as a reward, I’ll give you a discount code for 40% off the price everyone else will have to pay.

Persuasion by nonsense: A case study of Alexander the Great and the magical gold goblet

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Legend says the famously gullible Alexander the Great once visited the kingdom of king Kayd.

As signs of homage, Kayd sent Alexander four unique and valuable gifts. One of the four was a magical gold goblet.

Alexander drank from the goblet, from dawn till dusk.

And each time the goblet ran dry, it refilled itself with cold water.

“How is this magic possible?” Alexander asked in wonder. He looked around at his men. But all he got back were a bunch of shrugs.

So Alexander went to the wisest philosopher of his time.

The philosopher inspected the goblet. He closed his eyes and smiled.

“Think of what happens here as analogous to magnetism,” he said to Alexander. “Magnetism attracts iron. In a similar way, this cup attracts moisture from the turning heavens. But it does so in such a subtle fashion that human eyes cannot see the process.”

“Analogous to magnetism…” Alexander said, mulling over the idea with growing delight. “That makes so much sense!”

No Alex, it really doesn’t. From what we know today, in 2021, about magical self-refilling gold goblets, they do not in any way operate by attracting moisture from the turning heavens. And they are in no way comparable to magnetism.

But you can’t blame Alexander for getting delighted with this explanation.

Because the human brain — yes, even the brain of great men like Alexander — is primed for two things.

The second of these things is drawing connections between unconnected concepts.

This new connection doesn’t have to be “true” in any practical sense. It will still fill us with a sense of delight and possibility.

Of course, this feeling wears off in time. But if you act quick enough, while somebody is filled with that sense of wonder and hope, you can sell them stuff. That’s why analogies, transubstantiation, and metaphors work so well in direct response copy.

“But hold on,” I hear you saying. “If analogies are so great, why aren’t you using one yourself to sell me this idea? Your story with Alexander isn’t an analogy.”

And you’re right. Like I said, the human brain is primed for two things. Analogies tap into the second of these two things.

But the first thing is equally important, and equally powerful. Perhaps you’ve long known what I’m talking about. Or perhaps can figure it out based on the evidence in this email. But if you’re not 100% sure, don’t worry. I’ll write more about it, in an upcoming issue of my magical and delightful newsletter.

Charging money for common human courtesy

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One day last week, I got an enthusiastic email from a guy in the UK.

He’d seen my presentation on what I call horror advertorials. He loved the idea. And he was trying to build something similar for the brand he’s working for.

Would I be willing to review what he had done and give pointers?

I wrote back to say I could do it as a consulting gig.

I got an email in response with a sad face emoji. “No worries – sure that may be interesting – how much would you charge?”

I wrote back with a price that would make it worth my while. More than the cost of a Starbucks Creme Frappuccino… but a drop in the bucket for anyone planning to run cold traffic to an advertorial and have it make money.

But I never heard back.

I don’t know why. It might have to do with the price I sent back. Or it might have nothing to do with it. But if that really turned this guy away, it got me wondering… what might he have been looking for really?

Perhaps a pat on the back. “Wow you really got this. Good job!”

Or perhaps a miracle band-aid. “If you add in the word ‘amazing’ in your headline here, it will increase conversions by 30%.”

But there’s one thing I doubt he would have wanted.

Serious critical feedback. Advice to throw out big chunks of stuff he had spent time and effort on. Advice to do significant extra work in order to have a real chance at success.

So here’s what I’m getting at. I say it for your benefit as much as my own.

In my history of offering free advice, I don’t remember the last time it turned into anything. Anything, that is, other than meetings, excuses, and requests for more free advice.

That’s why these days, I keep the following words from Dan Kennedy on a little slip of paper under my pillow while I sleep:

“Get paid. Do nothing free. Especially dispense advice. There is nothing more futile on Earth than giving anybody free advice. At best, they don’t appreciate it. At worst, they resent it.”

Maybe you don’t appreciate that either.

But maybe you get it. Maybe you just feel hesitant about making the transition… about putting your foot down and charging for things that seem to be common human courtesy… or worse, charging for things that everybody else seems to be giving away for free.

All I can tell you is, I’ve been there.

It’s taken me time and mental effort to make the transition myself. I have advice on how you might do it too. And when I do write it up one day — well, I bet you can guess. I’ll take my own advice. But if that don’t turn you away, and you want to know when I put this advice out, then here’s the first step to make sure you get it.

Skipper trump card test

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“I was walking on the dock. Alan was walking towards me. There was a girl in between us, maybe around 15, walking towards him and away from me.

“All of a sudden, the girl seemed to lie down. She hit the stern line, rolled around it, and fell into the water.

“I didn’t understand what was going on. But I saw Alan take off his shirt and throw his cell phone on the ground and dive in after her.

“The girl was sinking. He pulled her up to the surface and I pulled her back out on the dock.

“The girl had had an epileptic seizure. Since she was walking towards Alan, he saw her and realized what was going on in time. She would have drowned in a few moments more.”

A few nights ago, I found myself in the company of a bunch of sailboat skippers.

At first, it was like they were speaking a different language. But after a while, in between the industry jargon and the inside jokes and the unfamiliar names, I slowly began to grasp what was going on.

They were playing a game. Like a card game, but with stories.

One skipper would tell a story — for example, a terrible experience working for a charter company. Then somebody would tell another story on the same topic.

“You ain’t seen nothing yet,” was the implied criterion.

Eventually, one of the skippers would pull out the trump card — a story so good that nobody else could top it.

There would be a few moments of quiet appreciation. That skipper had won the round, and his standing in the group seemed to rise a bit.

Then a new round would start, with another topic. (The story above of the girl and the seizure was part of the “near-death experiences” round. It wasn’t the trump card, it turned out.)

Of course, skippers are not unique in playing this game. I was an outsider in this group, so it was easy to see what was going on. But we all do this, all the time.

Stories, jokes, explanations… they are social currency.

They help you play the game. Maybe even win a round. Get a few moments of appreciation… and have your standing rise a bit.

So in case you’re wondering where this is all going, let me give you some industry jargon and maybe a familiar name.

If you want free traffic, then this same process can work in your favor.

From what I can tell, all you have to do is put something new out there… and make sure it’s big enough to beat the cards that came before it.

As an example, take Rich Schefren in the Internet marketing space. That space is full of outsized claims — “How an Oklahoma farm boy cracked the online code to earn $1,123,234.23 in 0.1221 minutes.”

Eventually, no such claim becomes any bigger than any of the others.

So Rich created a new story, which could beat all the cards that had been thrown down on the table till then. “You are an opportunity seeker,” Rich said, “and you will never get where you want to go by continuing on that path.”

Result?

Millions of downloads of Rich’s Internet Business Manifesto. Not through ad spend. Not through SEO. Not through the manual labor of going on stage to speak the gospel. But entirely through the efforts of other people, playing a game like I described above.

This is not how-to advice. You can’t take this and use it to come up with an idea that will get shared.

But it is a test you can apply to an idea you’ve already got.

Maybe your idea doesn’t pass the skipper trump card test. It can still be successful. You’ll just have to push it out into the world, and you might have to spend money on ads.

But if you don’t like pushing, or you got no money for ads, then you can come up with more ideas. And more. Until you find one that does pass the skipper trump card test. Because…

You want to give your market value?

This is value. Not how-to advice. But social currency they can use to benefit themselves… and indirectly, to benefit you also. After all, you’re the house. And the house always wins.

By the way, I’ve got casino. Wonderful games, free to play. Bring your friends Would you like to join for a few rounds? Here’s the secret door in.

More real than real

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One by one, the desperate warriors in the besieged city looked up. And they started shouting for joy. There was hope!

On the peaks around them, the bonfire beacons were burning.

The signal was clear.

After centuries of competition and distrust, two ancient and proud kingdoms were finally uniting against a common foe.

There was no other option. The enemy from the east, in his quest to enslave the known world, had sent his enormous army to the very gates of the city.

If the city fell, so would all the lands that lay behind it. This wasn’t just a battle. This was the last stand for all the free creatures of these western lands.

And then the fearless warrior-king rode out to face his troops, his armor shining in the sun…

But hold on. What the hell am I talking about?

Is this some Lord of the Rings thing? When the kingdoms of Gondor and Rohan united… fought to protect the last bastion of freedom, the walled city of Minas Tirith… and broke through the evil armies of the dark lord, Sauron?

Um, no.

But I can’t blame you if you thought so. I tried pretty hard to build it up that way.

What I actually described above, after massaging and omitting key details, was the Battle of Vienna in 1683.

The Sultan’s massive army was at the city gates.

And while the Polish and the Habsburg kings didn’t like each other very well, they decided they could either team up… or stop worrying and start learning Turkish. So when the Polish troops arrived at Vienna, they lit bonfires in the hills as a signal to the defenders inside the city.

Did you know any of that?

If you’re like me, then nobody ever told you the story of the Battle of Vienna.

But you’ve probably known about the LOTR story for years. Maybe you’ve watched it or read it multiple times.

So my question to you is why? Why do we all know the made up LOTR stories inside and out… and why do we know nothing of the very consequential story of the Battle of Vienna?

Here’s one possible answer. I got it from a book that I suffered through earlier this year, called Simulacra and Simulation. I couldn’t understand almost anything in this book. But I think I got the central gist of it. And that is:

We humans have let go all grip on reality. We now live exclusively in a space of hyperreality.

In other words, we have no more use for the “real” world. Instead we want things that are more real than real.

The Lord of the Rings is more real than real. The good guys are impossibly good. The bad guy is ultimate evil itself. And the white city of Minas Tirith, it’s kind of like a medieval walled city… but its turrets are infinitely more numerous… its walls are infinitely taller… its rampart is infinitely more spectacular. The old town in Dubrovnik just cannot compete.

Maybe you’re wondering what the point of all this theory is. So here’s my advice to you, in case you want to influence others:​​

People say they want true and authentic. They say they want a balanced account. They say they want stories.

Lies, lies, lies.

Give people what they really want. More real than real. Exaggeration, caricature, simplification. Not stories, but grand opera — drama the way it could never exist in real life.

Fail to do this, and you will be forgotten like the defenders at the Siege of Vienna. But use this powerful weapon… and all of Middle-earth can be yours.

At least that’s my attitude. I give the people what I want. Well, at least the ones who want to hear more from me.

Don’t read this if you have a sensitive nose

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For the past month, I’ve been getting to the gym at the same time as a large, bald man who smells like an opened grave.

​I understand if you don’t want to read about this topic. But I think it’s important — perhaps the most important direct response topic of them all. So I have to press on.

My best guess at the origin of the stench is thousands of cigarettes smoked… mixed with a rich man-musk… topped off by what I assume must be layers of ordinary filth.

An orc. This is what an orc would smell like.

To make things worse, the orc likes to use different stations around the gym simultaneously. So he keeps moving around. Each time he passes by, I brace myself.

And yet, when the odor hits me, I’m still shocked, just like the very first time. I find myself looking around for support and recognition from the other gym-goers.

I see their pained faces and we exchange looks of quiet despair. We know each other well now. Like me, they keep getting to the gym at the same time as the orc, over and over and over.

And that’s why I say this topic is important. If you’re a direct marketer or a copywriter, this is the raw material you’re dealing with.

Because odds are, you feel no pity for me.

Instead, you probably have reasonable or even good suggestions for how I could improve my situation.

“Talk to the gym management and complain!”

“Go at a different time!”

“Hose down the orc!”

I hear you.

And I’ve thought about all those options.

But still, I find myself, along with a bunch of other regulars… at the gym, every other day, at the same time as the orc… hanging my head, defeated yet again.

Like I said, this is the raw material you’re dealing with. This is the nature of most people when it comes to most problems in life. Even when those problems smell awful. Even when they’re chronic.

That’s why you can’t count on offering a reasonable or even good suggestion for how people can solve their problems. Like Dan Kennedy says:

“It takes extreme measures to compel people to act contrary to the way they normally act. And the way they normally act is to do nothing, decide on nothing, buy nothing.”

John Carlton said you have to get your prospect so frantic with the urge to act now that he jumps up out of his armchair… sticks his hat on his head… rushes out into the dark night where it’s raining and the wind is blowing… just so he can be sure, right now, to mail the order form for the product you’re selling. Yeah, that’s not how the world works any more. Still, that’s what you should be aiming for.

But if neither John Carlton nor Dan Kennedy connects with you, then here is my contribution to the conversation.

The next time you’re writing sales copy and you’re counting on your solid argument and your fair offer to do your work for you… think of the orc. And think of me, at the gym, head in hands.

And then use whatever persuasive means you have to get me to move out of that cloud of funk… and to keep me out of there the next time. Do it, and I’ll thank you for it.

But what’s that? You’re not confident you could persuade me? You’re worried that the persuasive means at your disposal will leave you hungry, penniless, and possibly without a roof to keep the rain out?

Don’t worry. I have an email newsletter where I share a lot of useful persuasion and copywriting ideas. So jump out of your armchair, stick your hat on your head, and rush out over here.