Influential Writing

How to make your 1:1 coaching an easy yes

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A couple days ago, business coach Steph Benedetto posted the following in my Daily Email House community:

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I’ve written 110 emails by now and the journey has been nothing short of amazing with many hidden benefits that really belong on the sales page. 😍

I expected to get increased clarity about my message, and was surprised right away about just how much clarity it gave me.

I figured there would be increased reader engagement, but I had no idea the depth of connection it would create.

But here are some of the benefits I didn’t see coming:

– New offers appear that I never planned to write. Somehow they appear out of thin air!

– Building out my sales letter with testimonials and a double guarantee — without sitting down to “work on my sales letter.”

– Love letters and comments from readers.

– My business is evolving with new events and services as I type them.

– My personal growth journey is documented in these emails; it gives me a place to articulate insights and take them deeper through sharing.

– Two people inquiring about my new 1 Year Being Unstoppable Mentorship with the disclaimer “it’s not affordable.” I didn’t see that coming!

[Steph then goes to share as proof a bunch of love letters she got from her readers and customers, and then concludes with…]

It really is building up desire to work with me. When I reach out to people who are engaging to explore 1:1 coaching with me, they’re an easy yes.

Daily emails have helped me see the value of me being me and sharing it, with all my quirks and flaws.

This is some life-changing shit, my friends. If you write the emails, the magic will happen. ✨

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I’ve long been crowing and croaking about the many benefits of writing daily emails. Steph does a great job recapping these many benefits, and she even lists a couple benefits I myself haven’t experienced yet. But there’s something else I want to highlight in this particular email.

I followed up with Steph to ask what exactly she does to “reach out to people who are engaging to explore 1:1 coaching with me.”

She replied:

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I invite people to a conversations on most days, not just from email comments. It’s the way most of my clients happen. If a reader is responding to me and I know them, it’s easy to invite them to connect. The context will vary. If I don’t know them yet, I might invite them to a chat about their question or comment.

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In my experience, this is a pwerful 2-step playbook that a lot of people could profitably use, particularly those selling high-ticket coaching, products, or services.

I could run on about this and share my own experiences applying Stephs daily email + one-on-one reach-out system. But the fact is, I’m at the airport as I write this, waiting for my smiling plane to board, which really and truly leaves me with just enough time to say the following:

Reaching out to your best prospects one-on-one is a very underused tool.

But it’s only likely to be practical and profitable once you’ve laid the ground work of building relationship, stirring desire, and changing minds, which is what daily emailing is all about.

If you’re not writing daily emails yet, or even if you are, but not very consistently, then I can help you either start the habit, or stick with it and be consistent. For more info:

https://bejakovic.com/deh

Reader warns me against being a Negative Nancy

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A long-time reader replies to my email yesterday:

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Hey John

First – as I stated in a couple of my previous replies to your emails – I love reading yours. (I am subscribed only to two daily newsletters and one is yours)

It gives that chill vibes and interesting reading type of feelings.

And since, I like reading your emails and planning to do so as long as you write, wanted to share with you that today’s email brought a feeling of negativity (it could be me only though).

No intention to judge, just sharing the impact of your email left on me.

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I’m not 100% sure what this reader meant to convey. If I’m reading into it, I guess he meant that negativity is negative, and negative things are negative. “Don’t be a Negative Nancy,” that kind of thing.

And yes:

It’s good idea to keep your emails light and positive. And yet…

It’s a better idea to change things up from time to time, to keep people from dismissing you by thinking they know what you’ll say next. And then…

It’s a best idea to be congruent, and to never sound like you’re trying to cover up your real thoughts or feelings, or come across as half-heartedly spinning scat into sucrose.

More on the this sensitive topic:

A few days ago, I got an unusual new subscriber to my Daily Email Habit service. I won’t name him here, because I’m not sure he wants me to.

I will say that, unlike most people signed up to DEH, this new customer is not running a typical coaching/course-selling/service-provider business.

Instead, he is a fiction author. He’s looking to sell his more of his own fiction books, and to build a tighter bond with his existing audience.

We exchanged a couple emails, and in one of them, this fiction author wrote about the unique part of writing daily emails to a fiction-reading list:

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It’s a different beast to problem-solving markets as it disproportionately leans more on personal stories, personality, etc., which is difficult when you’ve got no pain points to leverage. Still, it has been fun to stretch myself.

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True. People don’t really read fiction because they are looking for how-to solutions to their specific problems.

That said, people who read fiction do have problems in their lives – as we all do.

My bit of advice to the fiction author was to talk about his own problems. Not in a way of seeking pity or even asking for solutions, but simply as a means of allowing his audience to identify with him.

It took me a long while to realize the following point, because I’m a bit dense:

But the real point of telling a personal story isn’t to brag or be an exhibitionist or even to entertain.

Rather, it’s to allow other people to identify with you, to put themselves in your position in your story, and to say to themselves, “Yeah, that makes sense,” or “Yeah, that’s happened to me,” or “Yeah, that’s how I felt also.”

And so if you ever find yourself asking:

“Is this a good personal story? Should I include this bit? Is it relevant? Is it interesting? Am I just including it for the sake of ego? Is it irrelevant to the story but somehow important on another level?”

… then keep in mind that your personal story isn’t really about you, but is really about allowing your reader to have a certain kind of experience, thanks to you.

Anyways, all that’s to say:

1. Daily emails don’t always gotta be blinding sunshine and positivity

2. In fact there’s a good reason for regularly sharing frustrations and personal problems

3. Sometimes you can cram more than one point into an email

By the way, my email yesterday, which was deemed negative by at least one reader, was negative on purpose, because it was written as my answer to yesterday’s Daily Email Habit puzzle.

Yesterday’s DEH puzzle has now vanished, along with February 2025, never to be repeated.

But another new puzzle will come out tomorrow, fresh for March 2, 2025.

And if you want to use this upcoming puzzle to help you sell more of your own stuff, including even fiction books… and to build a tighter bond with your existing audience… then you may, or you may not, like my Daily Email Habit service. Only one way to find out:

https://bejakovic.com/deh

A free tip to minimize unsubscribes

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A few days ago, Maliha Mannan, who writes dailyish emails over at The Side Blogger, posted something interesting inside my little Daily Email House community.

Apparently, Maliha was trying a HARO-like service – HARO, which stands for Help A Reporter Out, basically being a service where industry experts can provide answers and quotes for reporters, in exchange for attribution or a link.

On a whim, Maliha decided to ask for a marketing specialist’s thoughts on daily email newsletters. She put her request out into the ether, and like a lightning bolt, an answer crashed upon her:

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Hi, this is C S Sultan, an experienced marketer for over 14 years and doing email marketing for over 5 years now.

As per our data, the highest you should send in a week are 2 emails. But the best would be to send only 1. Then moment we send more that 2, the unsubscribe rate goes up by 70%.

Our email list consists of marketers, content creators, bloggers, and small-to-medium businesses.

Even so, the highest response we get is when we send a single email every week at a fix time and day (for us, usually that’s Tuesday 8AM EST for one segment, and Thursday 8AM EST for another segment).

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So there you go. An excellent tip to keep your unsubscribe rates really low. Though I imagine if C S Sultan only emailed his list every month, or maybe not at all, he might do even better with the unsubscribes.

Of course, there are other possible goals in the world than minimizing unsubscribes. For example, maximizing opens, clickthroughs, sales, or better yet, lifetime sales.

Or, something more wooly but still important, such as maximizing the quality of people who are buying from you… maximizing the results you get for customers or clients or even readers who don’t buy from you… or maximizing your own sensation of the influence and respect you get in your niche, and the satisfaction with which you run your business and life.

For all those, here’s another free tip:

Email daily.

Yes, people will unsubscribe. But people will read also, and way more than if you just email once a week or once an ice age.

And more people will buy, more will recommend you, more will look to you for entertainment, guidance, or simply the habit that they’ve formed of taking a few minutes each day (gasp!) to consume something fun or thoughtful you’ve put out into the world. Plus you might even grow to like the process. I know I’ve gotten there.

Like Maliha wrote, maybe C S Sultan should sign up for my Daily Email Habit service. I doubt that he will.

But maybe you are not playing to lose, but are playing to win. In that case, Daily Email Habit might be a fit for you. For more info, before the next puzzle has come and gone:

https://bejakovic.com/deh

The Bejakovic principle

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“Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen nineteen and six, result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure ought and six, result misery.”

I recently finished reading David Copperfield, a book written some 175 years ago by Charles Dickens.

I read David Copperfield based on the strength of that quote, which is spoken by a character named Wilkins Micawber, and has become popularly known as the Micawber principle.

The Micawber principle pretty much sums up my own attitude to money, try as I have to care more about getting rich for the sake of getting rich.

But today’s email is not about money. Rather, it’s about influence.

Dickens introduces Wilkins Micawber by saying the man had “no more hair upon his head (which was a large one, and very shining) than there is upon an egg.”

Micawber’s clothes were shabby, but he carried a “jaunty sort of a stick” and a quizzing-glass (something like a monocle) on the outside of his coat. (“For ornament, I afterwards found,” Dickens adds, “as he seldom looked through it, and couldn’t see anything when he did.”)

As becomes clear throughout the book, Mr. Micawber loves pompous language… swings between despair and perfect cheerfulness in the span of a meal… and is always in debt, and is always running away from his lenders. Hence the Micawber principle, which Micawber advises others to live by, but cannot follow himself.

But let me get to the point of this email:

I hadn’t realized this before, but Charles Dickens is famous for his characters. In fact, he might be the most famous novelist of all times, in all languages, when it comes to distinct, memorable characters.

Besides Mr. Micawber, there’s Ebenezer Scrooge, Oliver Twist, Tiny Tim, the Artful Dodger — dozens and dozens of famous characters, many of who have passed into popular culture and even the English language.

So what?

So I’m telling ya, read Dickens for character… and then apply the lessons to yourself.

As Dan Kennedy said once, the basis for influence is invention.

Specifically, Dan said that people who write for great influence — he was talking about people who write for business purposes, as he does — turn themselves into personas, into fictional characters.

And by the way, Dan adds:

“The good copywriters are frustrated fiction writers and read fiction.”

So read Dickens. Or read some other fiction, which is built around distinct, memorable characters.

And then, add a quizzing glass to your outfit, even if you seldom look through it and cannot see anything when you do… and even if it’s only there in your writing, and not in reality.

Now here’s the Bejakovic principle:

“Twenty four hours, one email written and sent out, result happiness. Twenty four hours, no emails written or sent out, result misery.”

Only difference is, unlike Mr. Micawber, I manage to live by my own principle. And if you’d like my help in achieving lasting happiness, and maybe in turning yourself into a fictional character in your emails:

https://bejakovic.com/deh

Want to write a book?

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Last fall, marketer Sean Anthony launched a new offer that really took off.

For the few years prior, Sean was on the “sell coaching via Google Docs about how to sell coaching via Google Docs” bandwagon.

But now he had something new. He started selling “book writing” as a hot new bizniss opportunity. He called it the “1 Hour Book.”

I’m no longer on Sean’s email list, but it seems like this new bizopp was a big seller for him, because he went all in on it for a few months.

From what I could understand, the 1 Hour Book concept was 1) find client, 2) interview client on the phone for an hour, and 3) use that to produce a book for client.

I don’t know whether Sean’s customers were getting clients with this offer, or whether the clients were getting books that actually did anything good for them.

All I know is that books have unmatched impact and power. For example:

Last year, I read a book titled How To Make A Few Billion Dollars.

The book was written by Brad Jacobs, who had founded and then built up 5 separate billion-dollar businesses.

5!

In 5 different industries!

The curious thing is, in spite of Jacobs’s incredible track record, I had never heard of the man, not until he wrote his book and went around on podcasts to promote it.

This morning, I was walking around the beach near my house and thinking how many billionaires I could name.

I could definitely name 5. I couldn’t name 10.

And yet, there are 815 or so billionaires in the U.S. alone.

These are people who have all the money in the world. They have enormous power too. They might have even incredible insights, knowledge, and perspectives that few others have.

And yet, who knows them?

My point is not to bemoan the hard life of the anonymous American billionaire.

My point is simply to give you a kind of extreme counterargument, if you think that your own accomplishments, expertise, and credentials are enough to get you known and appreciated.

It doesn’t work for billionaires. The billionaires who do want to get known find they have to teach what they know… or entertain an audience… or frankly make a spectacle of themselves.

You might think this is where I tell you to write daily emails, because that’s your shot at teaching, entertaining, and making a spectacle of yourself.

But no!

I’m telling you to write daily emails because you can reuse much or all of your daily email collection to write a book. And an interesting, worthwhile book, a book you won’t simply get by waffling for an hour on the phone and having somebody transcribe and edit that for you.

Plus, as you go do along and write those daily emails, which can then turn into an interesting and worthwhile book, you can build up an audience that will snap up your book when it comes out… and will likely give it 5-star reviews because they already like you and what you write… and will probably even recommend your book to others.

So if you want to write a book, my immodest and self-interested suggestion to you is to start writing daily emails.

And if you want my help with doing that:

https://bejakovic.com/deh

A rule you can take to the bank

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“If you talk less, you’ll sell more, and that is a rule you can take to the bank.”
— David Sandler

What, you’re still reading?

Even though I’ve paid off the subject line?

Insatiable. All right…

I can tell you I’m re-reading David Sandler’s mysteriously titled book, You Can’t Teach A Kid To Ride A Bike At A Seminar.

In case you don’t know Sandler, the man was a sales trainer, and his book is about his sales system.

Sandler was influential enough in the world of actual sales — the world of cold calling, going to prospect’s offices, sitting across the table.

But his ideas are much better known in the world of online marketing because negotiation coach Jim Camp, who influenced a million and one Internet marketers, apparently got most of his negotiation system, often verbatim, by being a Sandler franchisee.

Aaanyways…

Sandler says to talk less. To draw out your prospects to talk. To listen, and to get them to sell themselves.

It’s good advice. I tried it. It worked like magic, back when I used to get on calls with prospective copywriting clients.

It’s great advice for sales copy too.

Back when I was writing sales copy — thousands of words every week of advertorials, and VSLs, and sales emails — I made it a policy to “write as little as possible.”

That didn’t mean to have a VSL of 150 words or a half-page advertorial.

Instead it meant “getting the market to write your marketing for you,” as Travis Sago likes to say. To mirror and feed back things that people in the market already said themselves, in their own words, instead of coming up with my own arguments and language.

So that’s a tip for you. Talk and write less. You’ll sell more.

Here’s another tip. The above tip is great advice if all you’re looking to do is to sell, today.

But if you’re writing a daily email newsletter, particularly one for yourself and your business, then there’s a second purpose to your emails.

This second purpose is more wooly. Much less measurable than sales. It also happens in the vague future, rather than the clear present.

I’m talking about getting people to open your emails again tomorrow, and to give you an honest hearing. About gradually, getting people to see you as an authority, a leader, a trusted guide in all kinds of questions in their life.

Sales today are necessary and nice. But really, all the profits in email are in this long game, in the ongoing relationship, in the back end.

And that’s a rule you can take to the bank.

And now, on to my offer. If you don’t buy it today, I’ll promote it again tomorrow, and maybe I’ll convince you then.

Or maybe I’ll convince you today?

My offer is my Daily Email Habit service. It’s a new prompt/puzzle each day, delivered to your inbox, to help you write your own daily email.

The dual goals for Daily Email Habit are 1) making you sales today and 2) establishing your influence and authority, so you have an asset in your email list that only grows in value tomorrow, and the day after.

If you’d like to get started with those dual goals, and now:

https://bejakovic.com/deh

Arguing with the Dalai Lama

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One time while I was attending university in Budapest, Hungary, the Dalai Lama came and gave a talk.

He sat on stage in a comfortable armchair, smiled beatifically, and spoke for an hour in front of the packed auditorium.

Afterwards, the Dalai Lama took questions.

There was an American guy in the audience I knew well, named Brendan. Brendan was studying environmental sciences, and he was infamous for being loud and argumentative.

Brendan immediately stood up to ask the Dalai Lama a question. It had something to do with environmental policy.

The Dalai Lama nodded assent while Brendan worked his way through his long question. Once Brendan finished, the Dalai Lama started to speak softly once again, sharing his vision.

Brendan listened for a few seconds. Then he got restless. Then he stood up again.

I don’t remember exactly what he said, but he started arguing with the Dalai Lama, in front of the entire auditorium, clarifying his own question, and highlighting important points that he wanted the Dalai Lama to be aware of.

I remember my face getting hot and my arms and legs getting heavy as I sank deeper into my seat, overcome with embarrassment on Brendan’s behalf.

Except of course, that’s not what it was. Brendan wasn’t embarrassed, and he didn’t need my embarrassment on his behalf.

Instead, I was just embarrassed by imagining myself in his situation — getting up to ask my self-important question in the middle of a packed auditorium, and then interrupting to pursue my point further, of the Dalai Lama no less.

It’s a curious thing.

I’ve always hated asking questions in seminars, participating in other people’s talks, groups, and discussions, being put on the spot. Like I said, always get hot, uncomfortable, and embarrassed. Regardless of what I say or what happens next, I come out of it feeling somehow dirty or defeated.

But that part’s not the curious part. I guess that part is common enough.

The curious part is that I’ve actually gone up on stage myself, both literally and figuratively, many times. And I loved it.

I used to do competitive debating. I’ve given talks at conferences. I’ve organized my own trainings and presentations online where I had hundreds of people listening (I hope?) to what I was saying in real time.

That’s the curious part.

Yes, these “stand up and command attention” situations always had my heart beating, my face flushed, and my body preparing to flee.

But inevitably, in every case, I came out of them feeling elated rather than defeated, purified rather than dirty.

What’s the difference?

Why is my instinct to be embarrassed and quiet in other people’s groups and talks and seminars… and to be willing to get up and speak when it’s something of my own, and to even be proud of the fact afterwards?

I don’t know.

Whatever the psychology behind it, the fact remains. I wanted to share it with you.

If you think you are not the kind of person who would ever stand up and command other people’s attention, maybe it’s because you have always tried doing it (or imagining doing it) within the context of other peoples talks, agendas, groups, whatever.

Organize something on your own, with your own initiative… and suddenly that same physical arousal gets interpreted in a positive rather than a negative way.

So much for unlocking the giant within.

Now I’d just like to remind you of my Daily Email Habit service. It helps you start and stick with writing daily emails.

Because yes, an email newsletter is a form of standing up and commanding of attention.

The good news is, it’s something you do for own ends… in a way that you control… and that you benefit from.

To find out more about Daily Email Habit:

https://bejakovic.com/deh

A hard-to-swallow fact about gold and influence

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Imagine the unlikely scenario that you are Marco Polo, the 13th-century Venetian trader. Humor me for a minute.

Say you’re Marco Polo. And you decide, against your mother’s begging and pleading, to set out and seek your fortune in a faraway, exotic land, two continents away.

You pack up your entire life’s savings — an impressive treasure chest filled with gold — and you set off on the difficult and scary journey into the unknown, over stormy seas, vast deserts, and rugged mountain passes.

Finally, you make it. You arrive to the great kingdom, China.

The next morning, you head to the marketplace.

You open up your treasure chest. You take out your gold. You proudly stack it up in front of the Chinese silk merchants.

This is it. The moment you’ve been waiting for, that you worked so hard for.

You wink at the Chinese silk merchants, and you tilt your head at the gold you’ve stacked up.

But instead of the silk merchants showing surprise and delight in their faces, unrolling bales and bales of silk for you to choose from, and bickering and fighting over you, they just stand there and stare at your gold.

“What is that?” they ask.

“It’s gold,” you reply with a tinge of irritation, “the most valuable and prized form of currency!”

The Chinese just shake their heads. “Not here,” they say. “We use silver here.” And then they start to scatter, their interest drawn elsewhere.

That’s a little allegory I heard a few days ago, in an interview with John Bodi, a pickup artist.

Bodi said he uses this allegory to explain some important facts to men. The currency that trades in Man Land, the currency that many men have been accumulating their whole lives — car, career, bicep curls at the gym — is simply not the currency that they trade over there, in that exotic and distant land, where women live.

Is that true?

It doesn’t really matter. This is not a newsletter about pickup.

I wouldn’t even have shared this allegory with you, except that the day after I heard it, I was listening to a seminar by marketing guru Dan Kennedy. And Dan said the same exact thing, minus the allegory:

“A very hard to swallow thing, but I think necessary to swallow, is that these traditional credentials, this attempt to influence by resume and qualifications, or concern about the lack thereof, is completely irrelevant to influencing people.”

Dan was not talking about pickup. He was talking about writing for influence, so you can make money while running the kind of lean and profitable business you want to run.

If you have gold, says Dan, think twice about trotting it out, because it’s not what impresses your audience. And if you don’t have gold, that’s no reason not to seek your fortune as an influence merchant.

Maybe you find this hard to swallow.

All I can say is I’m not trying to change your mind. I’m just sharing an idea that might be useful to you.

It would be a shame to set off on a journey to the Kingdom of Influence, only to find you don’t have the currency they trade there.

The only bigger shame would be not to set off on the journey at all, and to deny yourself the adventures, fame, and fortune that can result, just because you mistakenly believe you need gold to trade there, and you don’t have any on hand.

“Quit teasing Bejako,” I hear you say. “Let’s say I entertain your idea for a minute, which I’m not saying I do. So what is the currency that they trade over there?”

For that, I will only point you to my Daily Email Habit service.

Each day, it gives you daily prompts or “puzzles” to help you consistently write a daily email newsletter. But these are not random, arbitrary prompts.

Instead, I choose the strategically, for the exact purpose of building up your currency of influence online.

Qualifications are not required. Neither is a resume.

And what is needed, that you already have.

In case you’d like to find out what it is, or even start building up your influence treasure chest today:

https://bejakovic.com/deh

How I use AI in my latest little startup

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Comes a question from a tech-curious reader named Jordan:

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Yo John quick question, is the Daily Email Habit built with the AI tools you mentioned building in the “the death of infoproducts” email?

There seems to be a lot of tech behind this (Especially with the streak stuff) and it only makes me wonder.

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I mainly bring up this question so I can gush about AI. Have you heard about AI? It’s pretty incredible.

At the moment, AI is not doing the content behind the scenes at Daily Email Habit. I write each daily puzzle by hand, and I find the day’s meme or cartoon by hand also.

But as Jordan guessed, AI definitely helped (read: did everything) with the tech.

ChatGPT wrote all the back-end code I’m using to track the streaks for different Daily Email habit subscribers — how many days straight they have been sending a daily email — and to display each user’s streak inside of the Daily Email Habit email (not technically trivial).

And if in the future I decide to add more bells and whistles to Daily Email Habit, you can bet my ragged little AI elf will be the one doing all the work.

The reason why I’m telling you this:

If you’re only offering what you do as courses, or coaching, or really any kind of strict DIY how-to info, it’s worth thinking how to turn some or all of that into a cross-cut saw, or a calculator, or a Wordle-like daily puzzle, or at least how to add in a streak counter.

Because right now, creating tools or devices or games has become shockingly easy and quick, even if you don’t want to write a line of code. And a tool or a device or game can make your customers’ experience much nicer… and it can create a little moat around what you offer, beyond just your personal authority.

And AI does it all. Like I said, it’s pretty incredible.

Except, how do you decide what to tell AI to create?

How do you have cool ideas?

How do you find out what device or tool or game people in your market might want, and might be willing to pay for, so you can command AI to go down to the shed and make it?

Also, how do you develop a sense of taste, so that you don’t just accept the first thing that AI comes back with, but keep going until it matches your vision?

And once you do create something you’re happy with, how do you package it up and sell it?

For all that, my answer is as familiar as it is fundamental:

You write.

Writing gives you a point of view. It gives you a sense of taste. It exposes you to ideas, both your own (which might disappear otherwise) and from other people (which you might ignore otherwise).

Writing puts you in contact with people in your market, so you can get your finger on the pulse of what people are interested in and are willing to pay paying for.

And of course, writing helps you make better decisions — because writing is really an exercise in decision making.

In short, if you want to get the most out of AI, write.

It might sound self-serving when I say that. So let me share a message I got a couple days ago, from Justin Zack, who is the Head of Partnerships at Write With AI, a paid newsletter with 54,000 subscribers, all about how to… write with AI.

I figure if anybody has the inside scoop on getting AI to work for you, it’s Justin. And yet, Justin signed up for my Daily Email Habit service, so he can write and so he can think. Says Justin:

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I’m 2 days into the daily email habit (which means I have a 1-day streak, lol).

BUT, I friggin’ love it.

Exactly what I needed to get me thinking about my list and how to write better emails.

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Actually, I just checked, and Justin’s streak is up to three days now.

Maybe you can start your own streak?

To to find out the daily email puzzle I’m using as a starting point for each of my own emails… the same puzzle that folks like Justin are using to get over the initial hurdle, to write something more interesting, and to write something different than they might write otherwise… take a look here:

https://bejakovic.com/deh

An old Soviet joke from a modern Russian prison

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Here’s a Soviet joke for you:

A shy, unathletic, bookish boy is walking across a snow-covered courtyard in Moscow, past a group of kids who are playing football.

The ball rolls to the boy’s feet. He decides against habit to join in the game. He kicks the ball awkwardly, and it veers off and crashes through the window of the janitor’s apartment on the ground floor.

The janitor emerges. He’s a huge, bearded man, who has clearly been drinking. He roars and starts to chase the boy.

The boy runs for his life, thinking to himself, “Why do I need football in the cold and the snow? I should be at home, safe and comfortable, reading a book, conversing with my favorite author Ernest Hemingway.”

Meanwhile, Ernest Hemingway is in a Havana bar, drinking rum, with a salsa band playing next to him. It’s hot. Hemingway thinks to himself, “God I’m sick of this heat and rum and salsa. I should be in Paris, the center of the world, drinking Cavalos with my great friend Jean-Paul Sartre, and discussing philosophy.”

Meanwhile, Jean-Paul Sartre is in a Paris cafe, in a cloud of cigarette smoke. He’s taking part in an abstract but heated discussion that means nothing to him. “God how I’m sick of all these cigarettes and cafes and empty discussions,” thinks Sartre. I should be in Moscow, talking to my friend, the great novelist Platonov, about things that are real and mean something.

Meanwhile, back in Moscow, Platonov is running across a snow-covered courtyard. And he growls through his gritted teeth, “God I swear if I ever catch him, I’ll kill the little bastard.”

That’s from the memoirs written by Russian dissident Alexei Navalny. Navalny wrote down the Soviet joke above — “my all-time favorite joke” — while in prison in the Pokrov correctional colony.

You might know Navalny’s story. Back in 2020, he was poisoned by the Russian secret service with a nerve toxin, almost died, but somehow made it to Germany to get medical treatment.

He recovered over the course of months. During this time, he cold-called Russian secret service agents and tricked them into revealing how they had poisoned him (I wrote about the crazy story ​back in December 2020​).

In spite of the assassination attempt, Navalny decided based on his principles to return to Russia.

He was promptly arrested as soon as he landed at the Moscow airport. He was then charged with embezzlement, fraud, and extremism, and was tossed in jail.

That was back in 2022.

Navalny never made it out of jail. He died earlier this year, on February 16, at age 47, under mysterious circumstances in the “Polar Wolf” prison, which sits in Western Siberia above the polar circle. “All necessary resuscitation measures were carried out but did not yield positive results,” the prison statement read.

I’m telling you this because somehow, during all this, Navalny remained cheerful and optimistic, in spite of the fact he was in prison in Siberia, in spite of the fact he had a 19-year sentence, in spite of the fact he knew he was really in for life, one way or another.

All that’s to say, if you think that whatever you’re writing about is too serious for joking, that your audience cannot and will not stand lightheartedness, that certain topics are sacred, well, it might be worth reading some of Alexei Navalny’s posts from prison. They are fascinating, inspiring, and well-written. Plus they might give you a change of mind on some things.

In case you’re curious:

https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2024/10/21/alexei-navalny-patriot-memoir