Copywriting

How to profit from bizarre Florida crimes

by
A Florida man (who else) was arrested on Sunday in what is being called a “McDonald’s condiment attack.”

The man was staying at a Tampa motel with his girlfriend.

When the gf brought back the wrong order from McDonald’s, the man allegedly grew angry and struck her with plastic containers of McDonald’s “Sweet ‘n Sour” dipping sauce “in the head and face area.”

He’s been charged with a felony, since he was convicted in April of battering the same girlfriend at another motel.

There are a lot more details to this bizarre story, which you could use to tie this news item into just about any sales pitch. But that’s not my goal for today.

Instead, I just want to give you a checklist of spots to look for such stories, as well as a few examples of how to turn them into profitable emails or blog posts. Here goes:

#1 The Smoking Gun

I only discovered this one recently but it seems to have been pumping out bizarre tabloid news for decades. The front page only has a few stories at a time, and they don’t change often. But the ones that do appear are gold. It’s where I got the condiment attack story above.

#2 The Daily Mail

This English rag mainly has celebrity gossip, and trashy sunbed-tanned British celebrities at that. In between, they sometimes run bizarre stories with lots of interesting details. Such as the story that I developed into Severed ear fills a gaping hole for UK landscaper.

#3 Morbidology

This is a true crime blog. It features in-depth posts about rapes, murders, abductions, disappearances, unsolved mysteries, and gruesome events. Sample story: “The Death of a Nazi” (about a father who raised his son in a neo-Nazi stronghold and was later shot by the kid).

#4 Takimag

Takimag appears to be a kind of high-level Chateau Heartiste: racist, misogynist, and funny. I don’t endorse the views but I read it for a jolt. It’s where I got the inspiration for The bland conspiracy behind the Great Awokening.

#5 The New York Post

This the American version of The Daily Mail. It’s got lots of political outrage and celebrity gossip, but occasionally also something genuinely bizarre. Such as for example, the gem that lead to my post Overweight passenger forces flight attendants to wipe his butt.

#6 Quilette

This site seems to be a right-wing intellectual sinkhole. Lots of earnest hand-wringing. But also an occasional interesting and provocative story. It’s where I got the hook for my Naked yoga for lonely, bearded old men post.

So now you know where to get your fix of bizarre stories. Which you can throw, almost verbatim, into your daily emails. Or into your advertorials. And if you want to see some examples of advertorials that kick of with similarly bizarre stories, then check out the following:

Copywriters who seek negative validation

by

A newbie copywriter asks something fierce:

My goal is to be able to approach a client (cold email, call, etc) and tell them I can make them more money with my words, and follow through.

My idea is since I’m 100% unproven, they’ll be more willing to give up some of the profits than drop thousands up front. So I’m going to sell my services for a low (or no) upfront fee, but request a percentage when they make money.

I need money and I’m tired of waiting. I don’t want to be a copywriter, I’m going to be a copywriter. So there’s my plan.

Are companies generally willing to agree to this?

Am I out of my mind?

Should I go back in the basement for a few years and come out when I’m “better” or go for it?

This was in an online forum and a bunch of people responded, rightly asking, “What do you want to hear? No? You can’t do it?”

The original newbie even admitted he might have been seeking “negative validation.”

I have no idea whether this guy can or cannot succeed in getting client work. I don’t know him. And even if I did, I couldn’t say whether he will succeed. Like Mike Tyson used to say, everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face.

But there is something else I would point out.

A lot of newbie copywriters seem to have guilt about being new and inexperienced. And so they offer to work for a share of the profits, instead of asking for a fee.

They can certainly try it.

All I can say is that’s not how I did it when I was a newbie…

And that’s not what I would do now if I were starting out all over again.

The reason why is simple. I think the odds are against any respectable or successful business spending the time or the effort to actually run copy that is coming from a guilt-ridden newbie. Especially copy that they didn’t pay for and probably don’t need.

And as for any non-respectable or unsuccessful business — well, why would you want to work with them, even if you’re a newbie?

That’s not to say that a profit-sharing, no-risk deal between a copywriter and a business is out of the question. In fact, that’s the offer I’ve been making over the past few days to a select few of my current and past clients.

I’ll have more to say about this offer in the future. For now, if you want to know about another no-risk deal that could wind up making you some profits, check out the following:

https://bejakovic.com/advertorials/

How to lose the pork belly without sweating or starving

by

It might seem like nonsense at first blush.

But it’s possible to lose fat — not just weight, but fat — without sweating your heart out or starving yourself to the brink of insanity.

The secret is olive oil.

If you’re a health-conscious person, maybe you think I’m just telling you to switch to a Mediterranean diet.

Or that the “antioxidants” in olive oil will somehow cause fat to melt.

Or that there’s some magic in the monounsaturated fatty acids, as compared to the usual butter or lard or canola oil or sunflower oil.

Well, it’s none of those things.

In fact, I’m talking about a kettle of fish that’s so different you will never spot it in a pet shop.

If you’re interested in finding out what I have in mind, then Google the late Seth Roberts and his Shangri-La diet.

Because I’m not really here today to talk about weight loss. Instead, I wanna talk copywriting.

And specifically, I wanted to share with you an “unlikely solution” lead (ahem, above) that I saw in a magalog by Parris Lampropoulos (Parris was making the same claim but with yoga, not olive oil).
​
Anyways, here’s how you do the lead:

1. It might seem crazy but [here are the benefits] — [without the usual crap].

2. The secret? [unlikely solution].

3. [List typical objections].

4. None of these are true!

And here’s the thing. This formula doesn’t actually have to be the lead. You can insert it wherever you decide to introduce your product.

Such as for example, after an opening story, or after you’ve badmouthed the alternatives.

This is something I’ll try in an upcoming advertorial.

Speaking of which, I’m working on my guide to writing story-based advertorials. If you want to get notified when it’s out, you can sign up here:

https://bejakovic.com/advertorials

The Bugsy Siegel “take my gun” way to build vision

by
I started watching Bugsy last night.

It’s a Barry Levinson movie starring Warren Beatty as Ben Siegel (don’t call him “Bugsy” unless you want a sock in the jaw).

Bugsy (all right, he’s dead) is a big-time mobster from New York who comes to Hollywood to expand his business.

And so he goes to meet a local crime boss (right across the street) and gives him two options. “Option one,” says Bugsy, “is you come to work for me. We take 75%, you get 25%, which has got to be worth at least three times what your 100% is worth now.”

“And option two?” asks the local crime boss.

Here Bugsy pulls out his gun. The whole room stands up on alert (Bugsy is alone, the local crooks are a dozen). “No, no, don’t worry,” Bugsy says amiably. “Here, take it.” And he shoves his gun into the local crime boss’s hands and points it at himself.

The local crime boss looks confused for a second. Finally, he says, “What, I gotta kill you?”

Bugsy again smiles and nods his head.

The negotiation concludes, and the Hollywood crime boss is now part of the Bugsy Siegel organization.

I thought this scene was a great illustration of how to build vision (a cornerstone of the Jim Camp school of sales and negotiation). The vision in this case is not that the local crime boss would have to commit a murder. The vision instead is that Bugsy (and his associates) are fearless, crazy, and will stop at nothing to get what they want.

I’ve found that the most effective ways to build vision are often this simple and surprising.

It’s something to keep in mind if you’re negotiating or trying to sell. And as I’ve written before (“The sink-or-swim sales close”), this kind of “take my gun” approach can work in building vision in copy as well. If you want to read about that, here’s the link to that ancient post:

https://bejakovic.com/sink-swim-sales-letter-close/

How to gull your copywriting clients

by
Did you know “gullible” is not a real word?

“Gull,” however, is a real word. As in, “to gull your clients.” It describes a fun, easy, and profitable way to run a copywriting business.

Here’s a day-by-day checklist for how to do so, taken from a real-life master of the craft (more on him below):

[day 0] take a 4-figure, 50% down payment for a copywriting project

[day 6] reschedule client meeting due to “email issues”

[day 7] get caught in a tropical storm, reschedule meeting again

[day 9] deal with storm repair issues, reschedule

[day 10] try moving to a larger metropolitan area to regain stable Internet connection, reschedule

[day 17] contract bronchitis

[day 18] reschedule

[day 19] allow the bronchitis to flare up into full-blown
pneumonia, reschedule as needed

[day 21] start feeling a bit better, promise to start work soon

[day 28] start working during rare gaps not taken up by hospital visits. Do NOT deliver any copy

[day 32] notify client that the initial approach at copy wasn’t good. Tear it up. Start over

[day 38] notify client you’re making your way through all the materials he’s provided

[day 43] stop responding to client’s emails

[day 48] stop responding to client’s Skype and LinkedIn messages

[day 49] stop picking up up the phone or responding to client’s voicemails

[day 50] have your girlfriend (or virtual assistant, it’s complicated) contact the client to let him know you are out of town until next Friday

[day 55] ignore client emails stating the project has been canceled and asking for a refund

[day 56] notify client of pneumonia relapse, which you have been covering up for fear of appearing sickly or weak. Convince client to give you a second chance

[day 57] notify client that now, “with all the pieces in hand, it shouldn’t be a very time intensive endeavor at all.”

[days 62-67] reschedule client meeting several times, but do not at any point get on a call with the client

[day 69] promise to have the copy ready “by mid-week”

[day 72] institute complete radio silence
[days 73-88] firmly maintain radio silence

[day 89] notify client you will take legal action unless he stops badmouthing you online

Like I said, this checklist has been distilled from a real-life copywriter-client interaction. ​​I found out about it on a website put up by the gulled client.

​​Since I only know the client’s side of the story, I won’t name the copywriter in question. You can figure it out without too much trouble if you want.

But why do I bring this up?

Well, if you’re a copywriter, I believe the above checklist gives you a solid place to start a profitable copywriting practice. Even if you’re a newbie and don’t have much experience yet.

On the other hand, if you’re looking to hire a copywriter, then the above checklist lets you know what you can expect when working with a pro.

Unfortunately, it’s hard to tell when you’ve run into such a pro.

No amount of social proof, testimonials, samples, certifications, or even personal interviews is a guarantee of avoiding him.

Perhaps the one thing you can look for is whether this is a person who actually writes. And who’s willing to do it day in and day out. Such as, for example, by putting out daily emails or blog posts. It’s not a guarantee, but it’s a start.

Speaking of which, if you are looking for a sales copywriter, get in touch with me and we can talk.

But beware. If we wind up working together, I ask for 50% of the fee upfront.

Why practice does not make perfect

by

I just read that a guy named Justin Blackman forced himself to write 100 headlines a day for 100 days.

Result?

Writing got easier by the end, and he feels he got better at the headlines.

I’m sure the first is true. The second might well be true.

But it also reminded me of something I’d heard from Parris Lampropoulos, one of the most successful copywriters working over the past few decades (he’s been paid a million dollars in royalties for a single sales letter — multiple times over).

“Practice doesn’t make perfect,” says Parris. “Practice makes permanent.”

If you’re moving in the wrong direction, then more practice just means you will be building up bad habits that will be harder to break down the line.

It will help you build confidence, yes.

But then one day, when you find yourself in a smokey roadside bar and two dangerous-looking biker-types start harassing your girlfriend, you’ll walk over, shake your shoulders loose, crack your neck, and say, “Guys, you don’t wanna do this. Because I’ve seen Steven Seagal handle this exact situation, and I’ve practiced his move 100 times a day for 100 days.”

So how do you avoid building up bad copywriting habits?

Well, the same way you avoid winding up in the gutter with a broken jaw. One option is you find people who have proven themselves in the skill you want to learn (think Daniel Cormier, and not Steven Seagal), and you do exactly what they tell you to do.

Another option is you pick fights on the street, but with people you feel you can handle. Sure, you might get a black eye or a bloody nose now and then, but if you adjust and learn from the beatings you get, you will slowly progress and build habits that work.

Or, of course, you can choose to do both. Which is what I’ve done and continue to do. Because practice is important. But deliberate, meaningful practice, and not just Steven Seagal’s patented trachea grab.

Anyways, if you need some of that copy jiujitsu to flip your customers upside down so change starts falling out of their pockets, get in touch with me and we can talk.

Russian bankers, fraudulent contracts, and copywriting

by

True story:

Back in 2008, a Russian man named Dimitry Agarkov got the world’s best credit card deal.

Initially, Agarkov got an offer in the mail for a credit card from an online outfit called Tinkov Bank.

Agarkov read the contract, and was shocked that the interest rate was 45%. Not very attractive. So he scanned the contract into his computer and altered the terms.

0% interest.

Unlimited balance.

A fine of 3 million rubles (around $100K at the time) every time the bank failed to play by these rules.

A fine of 6 million rubles if the bank tried to cancel the contract.

Agarkov then printed out his slightly altered contract, signed it, and mailed it in to Tinkov Bank. The contract was promptly accepted, and Agarkov got his credit card, 0% interest and all.

This shows you just how much people love to read boring-as-beans stuff.

It’s easy to not pay attention even when it’s your job and big money is on the line.

So what to do? Well, all the standard copywriting and marketing advice applies:

Repeat your message often.

Don’t take it for granted your audience hears you.

Keep it simple.

Keep it easy on the eyes.

Tell stories instead of using legalese.

Anyways, back to the story of Dmitry Agarkov:

Tinkov Bank challenged him in court. But no soap. The court upheld Agarkov’s contract, because it was in no way fraudulent.

Agarkov then sued Tinkov Bank for 24 million rubles, about $700K at the time, for not honoring the contract and breaking the agreement.

The suit was eventually withdrawn, because Agarkov said the joke had gone too far. That, plus the veiled threats from the owner of Tinkov Bank made him fear for his life.

Can you make veiled threats to your own customers to get them to buy? No? Then better try the softer kind of persuasion like I listed above. And if you want my input on how to do that, simply fax me a contract. Or just write me an email.

The fake search for the true you

by

There’s a service in Europe called BlaBlaCar.

It’s a kind of decentralized, Wild-West, long-distance Uber.

I’ve taken it many times when shuttling from one eastern European metropolis to another, and it’s always been a good experience.

Except once.

Once, I was set to go with a Hungarian woman.

She was two hours late and didn’t think to apologize.

Instead, she started complaining immediately about how difficult life is and how nobody understands her troubles.

This went on for a couple of hours.

And then, for a break, she put on a 40-minute infomercial by Deepak Chopra, M.D.

The product being sold was some kind of “law of attraction” course. “Once you strip away all the nonsense,” Dr. Deepak seemed to be saying, “once you uncover the true you, then the universe will start to work with you instead of against you.”

Want a promotion at work? Find the true you.

Lonely and unlovable? Find the true you.

Mountains of credit card debt? Find the true you.

Eventually the Hungarian woman dropped me and the other Blabla passenger — a frustrated Spanish girl who missed a reunion with her friends because of the two-hour delay — on the outskirts of Budapest.

I was glad to get out of the car and away from the brainwashing of Deepak Chopra, M.D.

Because I think this “true you” stuff is nonsense.

And not just because finding the true you won’t help you get a promotion or make more money or magnetically attract an attractive mating partner.

Instead, I think the whole idea of your true self is fake. I’m not sure what the real truth about our “selves” is. But I know from observing myself and from observing other people that we are very different people throughout the day. Sometimes from moment to moment. If we’re hungry, if we’re reading the news, if we’re talking with one friend rather than another. In each of those situations, a different self takes life.

But maybe you’re not into this kind of philosophy stuff. So let’s talk turkey.

I once had a client selling a “male enhancement” info product. We’ll call it by the codename JELQ4LIFE.

In order to sell this product, he decided to run ads on Pornhub. You know, where bored, sexually frustrated guys go to watch men with much larger penises terrorize small women.

I advised against it. Sure, many guys on Pornhub might be interested in a 200-page JELQFORLIFE ebook, sold through a 15-page sales letter. Maybe, when they are in a different mental state. But not when they are bored or impatient or primed by having watched 15 porn videos.

But my client insisted. Aaaand…

It bombed completely. Lots of random clicks. A few optins. Zero sales. (I hate being right all the time.)

This is an extreme example. But it applies just as well to more mundane businesses that advertise their products by running straightforward “Here’s our exciting product!” ads on Facebook, or Instagram, or Pinterest…

The people these businesses are reaching with their ads might have the same social security number as their target audience — but they are not the same people in that moment.

That doesn’t mean you cannot reach those people. But you’ll have to think a little bit in order to avoid wasting your ad money. And if you want my ideas on how you can do this, write me an email and we can continue to talk turkey.

Why I don’t stress about the “big idea”

by

Once upon a time, I read a thought-provoking article by multimillionaire copywriter, marketer, and investor Mark Ford.

Mark’s article was titled, “Why Every Copywriter Needs a Big Idea”.

As you might know, the BIG IDEA is a very hot and trendy topic in copywriting circles these days. Mark even says the big idea might be the “best direct-marketing technique of them all.”

Woof! ​​So what exactly is it?

Well, let me give you a few examples. There are a couple of “big idea” promotions that almost everyone agrees on —

1. Mike Palmer’s “The end of America” (the growing debt of the US government will lead to catastrophic consequences, buy our investment newsletter to figure out how to protect yourself)

2. Porter Stansberry’s “New railroad” (the rail made fortunes in the 19th century, fiber-optic cables can do it today, buy our investment newsletter to get our stock picks)

Those two promotions most often get hoisted up on the flagpole of the Republic of the Big Idea.

However, explaining what exactly makes a big idea big depends on who you ask. For example, Mark gives the following four-part definition:

A big idea is important, exciting, beneficial, and leads to an inevitable conclusion.

Sounds reasonable.

But when it comes to applying this definition in practice, that’s when things seem to get almost mystical, or as Mark puts it, Yoda-like.

​​(​​At one point, Mark even makes a distinction between a “big concept” and a “big idea”. Unravel that for yourself.)

The upshot is that I personally don’t stress about the big idea.

One reason is that I’m not sure what it really means.

Another is that I get the sneaking suspicion that a big idea is simply an idea that worked — which copywriting teachers, gurus, and coaches then retroactively mystify as part of their job.

Finally, I think that the big idea, as illustrated by the examples above, is only NEEDED in markets in the end-stages of sophistication — those markets that are so wary of hearing anything resembling a pitch that they need to be seduced and lulled by a new and surprising approach.

For example, that’s how the financial newsletter market is, like in the examples above.

But those aren’t the kinds of that I often write in.

So instead of stressing about the big idea, I simply look to come up with a hook — a story, a big benefit, a metaphor, a conundrum — to suck the reader in and to get him reading more.

​​And many times, whether that qualifies as a big idea, a big concept, or merely a sales hook, it’s good enough for me to make sales, even on cold, unfriendly traffic.

So if that’s something you do — running offers to cold traffic — then I hope you have reached an inevitable conclusion by now.

​​And I hope you want to talk about important and exciting ways to benefit your business.

​​If so, simply write me an email and we can take it from there, on a new railroad across America.

The other way to persuade

by

Let me ask you a personal question or three:

Are you very politically conservative?

Do you care passionately about the fate of the planet and about climate change?

Were you out in the streets last night, partying after the Toronto Raptors won the NBA championship?

If you said “yes” to any of the above questions, then I believe you’ve got a leg up in the copywriting, marketing, and persuasion game.

Here’s why.

Dan Kennedy, possibly the most influential educator when it comes to direct marketing, once shared his four guiding principles for writing direct response copy. The one that’s relevant for us right now is:

“Great direct response copy makes people identify themselves as one or the other.”

In this way of looking at the world, there are two ways to persuade. One is based on self-interest — that’s 95% of “How to write copy” guides will tell you. But there’s another way. And it’s to appeal to somebody’s identity.

As Dan puts it, “they tell you the identification, and you tell them the behavior.”

This can be overt, such as, “If you’re politically conservative, then you should be outraged at the state of illegal immigration in this country.”

It can also be more subtle. Such as, “Choosy moms choose JIF.”

Now, I hope if you dig around in your brain right now, you will find at least one or two strong “self-identifications.”

Maybe that’s an alignment with an outside group, like a party or a cause or a team.

But it might also be the kind of person you strongly feel that you are (for example, a good mom).

Once you find this self-identification in yourself, start observing your own feelings, your own behaviors and attitudes when it comes to protecting and cherishing that identity.

Bottle all that up.

And use that insight and experience to become a superhuman marketer, persuader, or copywriter, by talking to other people’s self-identifications.

You will have a new and powerful arrow in your quiver — which the majority of your competition won’t even know about.

And you don’t even have to do much to attain it besides what you already love to do.

As for me, I’ve been working lately with some choosy owners of online businesses. They’re trying to build up a stockpile of copy assets that get their prospects to buy, and their customers to buy more.

I’ve also heard from other business owners who are in the same position, but who aren’t working with me yet. And you know what they did? They wrote me an email to talk to me and see if I could also help them grow their business.