David Duchovny

Zoolander-safe direct response levers

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Maybe you know the graveyard scene from the absurd comedy Zoolander:

Derek Zoolander, a really really good-looking male model played by Ben Stiller, meets former hand model JP Prewett, played by David Duchovny.

They’re meeting in a graveyard at night. Because Duchovny has a dangerous secret to reveal… male models committed all the biggest assassinations in history! And Derek is next in line.

“But why male models?” Derek asks.

“Because they are perfect,” Duchovny says. Male models are in peak physical condition… they get access to the most exclusive locations… and they don’t think for themselves.

Derek ponders on this for a minute. And then he scrunches up his forehead, pouts out his lips, and asks,

“But why male models?”

Don’t judge.
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Because for years, I was asking one question in the same stupid way. And then earlier this week, I heard a marketing talk by Dan Kennedy.

The subject was segmentation. It’s not a complicated concept:

You have your audience or your space of prospects. But instead of marketing to everybody… you market to only a segment of the whole.

“But why segmentation?”

Lean in Derek. I’ll tell you the explanations I’d heard for years.

Segmentation is the only way to make expensive direct mail work. You only pay to mail to people who are most likely to buy your offer.

“Ok, go on…”​​

Segmentation is also a smart way to avoid pissing off your email subscribers. Don’t send them stuff they don’t care about, and they won’t unsubscribe.

“I see…”

But I didn’t really. I kept pondering on this many times over the years.

And like Derek Zoolander, each time I scrunched up my forehead, pouted out my lips, and asked once again,

“But why segmentation?”

Well, it finally clicked. Or rather, I heard Dan Kennedy explain it, and it pierced my thick male-model skull.

The real reason you segment is to increase response.

Because when you segment your list, you know something extra about the people you are writing to. You can take that extra info and stuff it into your message.

For example:​
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R​ather than mailing out a sales letter with the headline, “How to increase your IQ by 30 points in the next 90 days”…

Your headline can read, “How beautiful but dimwitted male models can get equally beautiful brains before Milan Fashion Week 2021.”

When you segment, your message becomes more targeted. Your copy becomes more specific. And your response becomes more up.

This is just one of the many simple direct response levers that even Zoolander could pull to make an unprofitable campaign profitable… or to make a worthless business worthwhile.

Which brings me to my offer of partnership and investment opportunity from yesterday. In case you didn’t read it, you can read the archived version here.

The Red Shoe Diaries advertorial structure

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A man, his heart broken after a tragic love affair, is searching for answers.

So he puts out an ad in the newspaper:

“Looking for women who keep a secret diary. I want to know your stories of love, passion, and betrayal. Write me at PO Box 903, New York, NY, 10276.”

For some reason, week after week, a new letter arrives in response to this ad.

The man goes to the postal box, picks up the letter, and then, walking along desolate train tracks with his dog, he starts to read a new story of love, passion, and betrayal.

So opens each episode of the 90s erotic TV show Red Shoe Diaries. (The forlorn man was played by a young David Duchovny, before he starred in the X-Files and Californication.)

I bring this up not because I am reminiscing about my adolescent days and the significance that an occasional TV nipple had in my life.

Instead, I want to tell you about a successful advertorial I wrote recently.

This advertorial is for a pet safety product (I won’t say exactly what as a courtesy to my clients, because the campaign is still running profitably).

While I was doing research for this advertorial, I came across lots of horror stories that all tied into the product.

Any one of these stories would have made a good lead for the advertorial.

And I was sorry to let any of the stories go.

So what I did was a kind of Red Shoe Diaries structure.

I opened with one horror story, told in the first person by the purported author of the advertorial.

But then, rather than moving into other sales arguments, I told other horror stories, one after the other.

And to do this, I brought in a kind of David Duchovny narrator (in this case, a police officer who showed up to the scene of the original horror story).

This narrator reeled off 2 or 3 more horror stories.

Now, I can’t say for certain, but I believe this multi-story structure is one of the main reasons this advertorial has been so successful to cold Facebook traffic.

In case you are selling something that lends itself to lots of good — i.e. chilling — stories, maybe you’ll find this approach valuable.

And if you want to get me to research and write up such an advertorial for your product, then hit reply, write me a sultry yet short email, and we can take it from there.