A friend asked me about Upwork recently.
He wanted to know, are there red flags for job listings? In other words, are there some jobs you should never apply for, because the clients are guaranteed to be trouble?
And lo, I had a vision.
Four horsemen. Each more awe-inspiring than the one before.
Now these four horsemen do not bring death, pestilence, famine, and war. But they do bring frustration, low wages, uninteresting projects, and stress. Let me tear open the four seals of my upcoming Upwork Bible, and tell you about them:
1. The blue banana horseman
Riding on a perfectly normal job listing, this horseman carries a banner. And on that banner, it is written:
“Add the words ‘blue banana’ at the top of your application so I know you read this whole thing.”
This horseman is very clever. And he’s too clever by far for any decent freelancer. If you engage with him, be warned, it will end in frustration.
2. The waffle horseman
This horseman arrives in a cloud of mist.
In his hand, he carries a waffle. That’s because he doesn’t know what he wants, or he cannot express it. So his job listing is ominously broad:
“Looking for an expert to help me grow my business through marketing. You need to know video editing and design and copywriting. Added bonus if you’re good at Excel.”
What this horseman is really saying is, “My business isn’t profitable yet. But heavy is my burden of small, confusing tasks. Come inside my empire and you will be rewarded meagerly.”
3. The pied pier horseman
This horseman can be recognized from afar by the symbol blazing on his chest. It reads:
“Rewrite this paragraph to prove to us you’re right for this job.”
The pied piper horseman does not do this because he’s trying to cheat you or get something for nothing. Instead, it’s because he thinks of freelancers like lemmings: small, requiring tight corralling, and incapable of independent thought.
Beware of following the pied piper horseman, because he will lead you over the cliff into uninteresting, menial work.
4. The grim reaper horseman
The Upwork grim reaper does not hold a scythe in his hand. Instead, he carries an hourglass, which has just run out of time. This horseman has a tight deadline, requiring an 8,000-word VSL, which needs to be done by this Thursday. And he needs you to start work on it NOW.
If you allow this horseman to wrap you up in his raven’s wings, expect untold stress to descend upon you. At least until Thursday, and possibly even later.
Now these creatures and others haunt the Upwork job listings page.
They are not evil. But neither are they righteous clients.
I advise you to stay away from them, and focus on better work. And as for that Bible I mentioned at the start:
You might like it if you are wandering through valley of Upwork. It will show you how to avoid the unrighteous clients, and to stay on the path that leads to the light ie. high hourly rates. To get notified once I complete this book (in the next week or two), inscribe your name on the following: