Stalker girlfriends and email personalization

I saw a sexy email marketing question today:

“How do you personalize your emails?”

The email marketer who was posing and answering this question did his darndest to offer value.

“Insert the first name”

“Use dynamic content”

“Recommend personalized products”

All reasonable suggestions.

And if you’ve got an email list, it might make sense to try them.

But you know what?

Odds are really good that this is not something you should be worrying about.

For one, clients aren’t dumb, and you won’t fool them long by inserting their first name into an email.

For another, it’s very possible to screw up personalization and to just appear creepy instead of helpful or friendly.

It reminds me of a story that I’d read about a late-20s guy who was in a relationship dilemma.

He had a new girlfriend and things seemed to be going great.

And then one night, she mentioned something like, “You know, like that time you broke your arm in high school.”

Trouble is, he had never mentioned anything about breaking his arm to the girl.

And after a bit of questioning, she broke down and admitted she had been stalking him for years, including befriending all his friends as well as his sister, just to get close to him before they were even introduced.

You don’t want to be this crazy stalker girlfriend.

So what’s an alternative?

Well, we all have this thing in our heads — unless we are sociopaths — where we mirror each other.

So if I tell you something personal, you feel like there’s a personal bond there. It’s almost like I knew you and I had personalized the email with your info.

So let me tell you something personal.

I was 10.

And along with my dad, I was taking a day trip to a sleepy little coastal town in Sweden.

We were walking on an abandoned street when I saw a colorful storefront.

In the window, a rubber mask-like thing was smiling at me. It was an elephant, with large ears and a lengthy trunk.

“Look at that mask!” I told my dad. “Can we get it?”

My dad took a step back and looked at the shop. He had more life experience than me.

“It’s not a mask and you don’t need it yet.”

“Why? What is it?”

My dad sighed. And then he explained a few things about life to me.

That day was the first time I saw a penis extender.

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