“The easy part of playing negotiation is knowing when not to flinch”
Once upon a time, I threw a party and met a girl who came with some of my friends.
Throughout the evening, I circled around, talking to my various guests.
And each time I came across the girl, I could sense a growing interest from her side. Which was great, because I was interested in her as well.
At some point, the party moved to a nearby club, where I found myself dancing with the girl. We started kissing, and eventually, I said, “Let’s get out of here.”
“Ok.”
So we got our coats and were about to walk out of the club. Just as we were at the door, she took a step back, furrowed up her eyebrows, and said: “Don’t think for a minute you’re taking me back to your place tonight.”
Thanks to being tired and a bit buzzed, I didn’t flinch at this. Instead, I looked her in the eye and said, “No problem. We’ll go to your place instead.”
She thought about this for a moment, and concluded that it was perfectly satisfactory. So we went to her place, and spent the first of many nights together.
I’ve just started re-reading Jim Camp’s “No: The Only Negotiating System You Need for Work and Home.” And here’s a relevant passage I just came across:
“If you’re a parent, you know that every child hears ‘no’ as the start of a negotiation, not the end of it. As adults, however, we’ve been conditioned and trained to fear the word.”
I think that learning not to over-react to hearing “no” is not just good negotiation, but also one of the fundamentals of persuasion.
And just so we’re clear: I’m not talking about being pushy, insensitive, or “not taking ‘no’ for an answer”.
Instead, I’m talking about managing your own internal, emotional state, and keeping your sights on your goal in spite of the decoys being launched in front of you.