Continuing from yesterday’s discussion of negotiating lessons from Bridget Jones’ Diary:
I promised that a single word can transform a self-serving (and therefore ineffective) mission-and-purpose statement (ie. negotiation goal) into one that is rock-solid.
Let’s quickly revisit the 3 options from the scene in Bridget Jones’ Diary that illustrates this situation.
The scene: Hugh Grant’s character tries to win Bridget back.
Original version:
“I want to get Bridget back because if I can’t make it with her, I can’t make it with anyone.”
Not good, because completely self-serving and without regard to what Bridget wants. Sure enough, Bridget rejects this offer in the actual movie.
Second, a Jim Camp-style version:
“I want to help Bridget see and decide that she will be happy in a new relationship with me, because I am a changed man.”
Better, but in my opinion, still focused too tightly on the goal of winning the negotiation (ie. winning Bridget back).
Like I wrote yesterday, it’s too easy to transfer the first kind of mission-and-purpose statement into this second version, by pretending to care about what the other side wants.
So what’s the fix for this?
Simple.
Use the word “whether”:
“I want to help Bridget see and decide whether she will be happy in a new relationship with me, now that I am a changed man.”
It seems like a small change, but the effects in mindset — and how you negotiate — can be dramatic. (At least, they were whenever I took this attitude in various negotiations.)
Suddenly, you are not focused on trying to get to your pre-determined goal.
Instead, you are calmly and patiently working with the adversary to reach a solution that will last.
Does this work in real life to actually achieve your desired outcome?
Sometimes.
Sometimes not.
It depends on what Bridget (or your adversary) really wants, and how vividly you create the vision of her being happy and of yourself as a changed man.
And yes, there is a real chance that even if you do everything right, the negotiation will still fall through. Bridget might decide that she doesn’t believe you, that she’s been hurt too many times, that she in fact loves someone else now.
Nonetheless, by genuinely allowing yourself the chance to be rejected, you increase your chances of success as well, by negotiating with less neediness and more focus on what the other side wants.
Now of course, this whole discussion ignores the cruel realities of male-female relations, and the fact that many women find selfish and pushy men attractive.
But still, taking this attitude in negotiations — whether romantic or business — is likely to attract the best partners into your life, and to create negotiated solutions that last for the long term.