I thought to introduce a new little series I could do every week, Psych Psundays.
I’m not a psychologist nor do I play one on TV, but I am interested in pop psychology. I read books about it, and I have a kind of live lab via this newsletter and other marketing I do. Plus I have a mind myself. I keep tabs on it. Sometimes I learn stuff that way too.
Let’s see if this new series could be interesting to you or not, and if it is, how long I can keep it going.
The first installation of Psych Psundays starts off with a reader question I got a few days ago:
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Hey John, how are you? I just wanted to ask if you could recommend a resource for audience building without video based content.
I’m writing daily emails but I can barely grow my newsletter, Twitter is filled with AI and it feels hollow.
The little subscribers I’ve gotten are from communities where I shared a little value with a link in my bio.
What would you recommend?
Thanks a lot and I hope you have a great weekend.
[name]
P.S. You don’t owe me crap of course so feel free to ignore this and go on with your day!
I just thought I’d ask you because I love your daily emails, it’s actually why I started writing daily.
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I didn’t reply to this guy.
On the one hand, I enjoyed the flattery.
On the other hand, I suspect this was an attempt at playing a game, one that I no longer enjoy.
Right now, I’m reading a book called Games People Play by a guy named Eric Berne. The book was kind of a big thing back in the 1960s. It’s basically about repeated “games” — patterns of communication that people engage in, not for the stated and obvious purpose, but for ulterior motives.
The first “game” discovered by Berne was called “Why don’t you… yes but.” It’s the game I feel my reader above is asking me to play with him. It goes like this:
First, one person brings up a problem, say, they can’t grow their newsletter.
Then other person (or persons) jump in with suggestions:
– Why don’t you get on Twitter? Yes, but Twitter is filled with AI and feels hollow
– I hear YouTube works well, why don’t you try that? Yes, but I don’t want to create video content
– Why don’t you just keep posting in communities if that’s worked for you? Yes, but that takes way too much time
– Why don’t you try running ads? Yes, but I can’t afford ads
– Why don’t you try doing list swaps? Yes, but my list is too small for list swaps
– Why don’t you just invite perfect prospects to your list one by one? Yes, but that would be so slow and anyways who would say yes
The fact is, there are 1,001 ways to grow your newsletter. There are entire (free and high-quality) websites dedicated to cataloguing those ways. I myself have written about the topic dozens of times, including earlier this month.
But none of that really matters.
Because the point of playing “Why don’t you… yes, but” is not to get a workable solution, but to keep going until all the suggestions run dry, and the original person asking for advice can say, “See, I knew they had nothing for me.”
Ok. So now I probably sound like a dick, and a conceited dick at that.
I mean, have I really told you anything new here? Or have I just put a fancy new label on something that everybody already knows and does, while singling out a poor reader who just asked a question?
Fine. Let me tell you something else I read in Games People Play, which might be genuinely new and useful to you. Says Berne:
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While almost anyone will play this game under proper circumstances because of its time-structuring value, careful study of individuals who particularly favor it reveals several interesting features.
First, they characteristically can and will play either side of the game with equal facility.
This switchability of roles is true of all games. Players may habitually prefer one role to another, but they are capable of trading, and they are willing to play any other role in the same game if for some reason that is indicated.
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I can tell you that, until not too long ago, I myself was a ready player of “Why don’t you… yes but.”
Like Berne says, I happily played either side. I would both bring up frustrations and dismiss offered solutions… and at other times, I would also offer advice, have that advice dismissed, and then offer more advice.
I played either side happily because it made me feel smart and righteous.
Curious thing:
I noticed recently that I don’t play this game much any more.
These days, if people offer me advice, I nod. If it’s somebody I trust and respect, I do exactly as they say. Otherwise, I just let it go.
And on the other hand, when people come to me with their frustrations, I also nod. And then I say, “That sounds frustrating. What do you think you will do?”
Maybe, maybe, this change is tied to a bigger change in me, to being more proactive, less of a “thinker” who is mainly interested in collecting information, and a little more of a “doer” who at least sometimes tries and sees what will happen for real.
So that’s my mildly inspiring takeaway for you on this Pysch Psunday.
Maybe you are a habitual player of “Why don’t you… yes, but.”
If so, it’s not any kind of lifelong condition. If you like, you can change, starting right now.
And if you are having trouble getting yourself to take action, in spite of knowing what you should do… well, maybe Eric Berne is right about the “switchability of roles.”
I could tell you how to apply Berne’s idea to become more proactive, more of a doer. Except it would kind of defeat the whole point of this email.