I got on a plane a couple days ago. As we were waiting on the tarmac following boarding, a typically incomprehensible announcemnt came on over the PA:
“Good afternooon ladies and gentleWAGGG this is your caBTANG Daniel GWOCKXHYHY BHGGeaking. Due to a HSINGLT BNT XXXOXFFWGDDDEDDELOXHGGGHRE, BBBNJDIO YDIOW NCHUNFI SX KNNI 30 minutes. We apologize for the inconvenience.”
The woman sitting in front of me flagged down a stewardess. “What did the captain say? That we will be late?”
The stewardess nodded. “We will be 30 minutes late taking off because we lost the slot. We have the next slot in 30 minutes. But it’s ok, it’s not a big deal.”
“Not for you!” said the woman in front.
The stewardess tightened her lips. “It is for ME,” she said. “But it isn’t for YOU.” And she marched off.
I wrote this down because it made me chuckle. Such a commonplace interaction. One person says something designed to offer consolation or advice… the other person bristles at this… the first person bristles at the bristling.
As you might already know, you can’t tell anyone anything.
Even helpful or benevolent statements can and will be twisted into their opposites. It’s a reflex that’s as reliable as a kick when you tap on somebody on the knee. And if you don’t agree with me, that just proves my point.
All of this raises the question, how can you possibly communicate with others, when you can’t tell them anything?
I have much to say about that, but I can’t tell you about it — at least not here. Like I said, that wouldn’t work.
Instead, what I’ve done is I’ve written it up in a colorful book, my new 10 Commandments book.
The topic of reactance — of people bristling whenever they feel somebody is telling them something, or trying to influence them or steer them — is one of the main currents that runs through this book. Eventually, it bubbles up to the surface in Commandment VIII, “Thou shalt tell nothing.”
If you’d like to find out what thou canst do, since telling is off the table: