About 15 years ago, I read a biography of former World Bank president James Wolfensohn. It’s the first time I’d heard the term “magnetic listener.”
“Magnetic listener?” I thought. “What could be magnetic about it? You just sit there.”
Well, in the years since, I’ve done a fair bit of listening and I’ve worked on honing my skills. I’ve picked up some tactics from various sources, and I’ve noticed a few of my own natural tricks.
So for your enlightenment as well as for my own, let me write down 10 steps to becoming a magnetic listener (in no particular order):
#1. Challenge the speaker
Don’t just passively accept everything you hear. Do this after you’ve been listening for a while. “Hold on. How does this square with what you told me just a moment ago?”
#2. Continue the speaker’s train of thought
Think features vs. benefits, and get the speaker to explain the difference in their own words. “And why was that important?” “And what did that mean to you?”
#4. Keep eye contact
There’s no better way to show you’re giving the speaker your full attention. If they don’t break off the eye contact periodically while they are speaking (and most people will) then you should break it off for just a moment every so often. Otherwise, the situation might become sexual or confrontational.
#3. Call out any break in rapport
If you’re gonna take notes (not a bad idea), call it out. And still look up periodically to maintain eye contact and reassure the speaker that you’re fully engaged.
#5. Encourage the speaker to continue
“I see.” Nod. “Ok…” Nod. Only do this once they pause and they are looking for reassurance you want them to continue.
Don’t try to encourage while they are speaking because even a peep out of you (“Wow!”) can interrupt people and keep them from delivering useful info.
#6. Make anodyne comments to give the speaker permission to keep talking
Do this once they properly stop speaking, and you’ve used up your “Wow” and “I see” trump cards.
“So that’s how you [do what I just asked you about]…” Or you can repeat the last thing you said like you’re mulling it over like a fine wine. Or rephrase what they said — but do it superficially, and don’t try to show off your cleverness or insight.
The underlying psychology here is that people will often stop speaking out of politeness or wariness. They need your indirect permission to keep sharing more.
#7. Ask your questions as they come up
You’ll have to make a judgment call here. Sometimes it’s ok to interrupt people as they’re speaking because a) you will get better info by directing them than by allowing them to run on a tangent and b) it shows you’re really listening to them.
At the same time, don’t clutch to your questions so tightly that you stop listening to what the speaker is saying. You might miss valuable information. Be willing to let go of a question.
#8. Get to the real reason
This is the Frank Bettger technique. You listen as they explain. “I see. Is there any OTHER reason?” “What ELSE could you do?” This and the anodyne comments above are different ways of doing Jim Camp’s 3+ (asking the speaker in at least three different ways to explain or confirm the same point).
#9. Introduce a bit of your own input
Once people get to talking, they will fight for the right to keep talking. So give them something to fight against. “Oh, that’s interesting. It’s just like this one time that I was walking down the street, minding my own business…” The key here is to do it once they are already warmed up, and to be willing to drop your story as soon as they want to start talking again.
#10. Ask the speaker to repeat stuff
Do this to make sure you got everything right. Both for the information itself, and so you can focus on what they are saying instead of worrying that you missed something.
Plus, you can even do it as a psycho tactic — when you heard everything perfectly. “Wait, can you repeat that last bit?” It makes you look interested as well as unokay, which makes them okay by contrast.
And there you go. I’ve used these techniques while interviewing, while negotiating, and while seducing (or trying to).
Speaking of which (negotiating, I mean), I’m now working on a little guide that summarizes what I’ve learned about negotiating, specifically for freelancers, and even more specifically for freelance copywriters.
I’ll be giving this negotiation guide as a free bonus with my revamped book on succeeding as a freelancer on Upwork. In case you want to get notified when I make all this available, you can sign up here: